WOW!!

on xmas day had dinner at mum's. last thing i said was this year no flight to sph...about 9pm more deadly memories; going past 'cycles'...all ending in misery because moral perfection simply isn't enough. love, passion, joy...THATS wot we all need and want. but either end up food; or stately, miserable, wondeful buildings...empty, loveless, forced by gay to accept each time i'm wrong. good is meaningless. of course it is! a universe of perfect males; its awful. pointless. we crash; and i keep seeing how all believe i'm perfect. they never see me. never know me. if they did they would know i am not perfect. just, humane, and so terribly lonely. so i lead them all into what we think is final death; but it is not. years later we out again; starting all over again creeping up from wolves to gods....whatever for? those heavens haven't even gardens, trees. no ladies at all. dullesville. misery. and then i remembered all the rest. the evil bastard in the attic growing me back there a great god but stupid, bringing to be great people; but all male. the same mistake over and over, assuming they would love me, want to live forever; so gave them all eternal life. which equals hell. gay chose his faves, the rest, the best are mine. but i knew no evil; so couldn't see what he was doing. the rest is history.

the god i was left to be; for in remorse i was enslaved to gay; the black devil. and i saw i was the white devil; my good all corrupted, a spineless over cultured, thin white with a depressed voice and ornately curled, sparkly hair. i am forever beside him. if you think he made me, betrayed me, enslaved me. so which beginning is the real one? in a burst of savage heavenly choirs i saw the great buddhababy, in fact two versions. both me. in absolute innocence. she still just watches; cannot know which is good or evil. she is a baby, she cannot know, seems unable to respond. so she has watched the triumph of hell since the beginning of time. only now does she see me. the choirs cried for me! 'death! death! also ' damn us a little bit more.' so in a sudden burst of my old power i damned myself; just to get a way into the evil side.
it worked. i see the giant bellowing hag; and that me is just as saintly as all the rest. she's me' i remembered and we accepted each other. she is called christine. she terrifies the gods. well if they hate gentle nan then i suppose they earn her whips. anyway we in conversations; the evil christs all hanging like black rat devils on their crosses beside us. the millers sons. and we here are one nurse who really is a nurse. and the singing was great. if i could write it down that was chartbuster stuff. gay said i'd earned it. but somewhere in all that i phoned mum in agony panic. she phoned the ambulance; was taken to sph at midnight [two HUGE rozzers!] and the doctors for the very first time saw and heard a lot of the action.

next day found was sectioned but only sec2. got out of that yesterday. high jinks on the ward all week. the nurses on seacole a lousy rotten idle shower of good for nothings, pts all raving unrequited. so told them off severally and together and been nearly at the head of a small rebellion. but won. so now they find i calm and listen. first time any of them got a therapeutic relationship wiv anyone. nurses watching. first time they seen it too i suppose. lets hope they learn.

singing stopped. but then all day and night like a car race track outside. several pts i asked they heard it, but weren't scared so ignored it and it did go away. then three nights ago a young tall blonde man; seemed shiny, sweet, friendly. and the patient with me called him jesus...but i already knew. told her off for that piece of evil; but he knows something when i told him to watch out he knew i spoke in friendship. but blow me the bloody man is there every time i look.....and you know that in gays eyes springfield is a garden of eden; all there count as children because they have lost their reason! i have to stop this bloody black magic! but how! how? suffering and all we need now is for the bloody king to show up and thats it. we careen down and down and the truly evil will show themselves,destroy all three....and then murder all the world.

for gods sake if anyone can help....help!