xmas day

thought about the solutions. look, its xmas day. worrying primitive singing, drums and things for many hours now. again saw my pride and presumption that my choosen would always know heaven, would want to live forever in happpiness. saw no futures other than my fatuous pipe dreams. and did it all with gay standing beside me; and knew him not. he had fucked up everything with evil before i sued my powers. and i rather think we have more than one? now i know that general cruel chose cruelty and was saved; and he DID NOT CREATE. he hurts father seabreezes issue. so he's a winner. why should he give it up? when i kicked that prickle of cruelty out of me 5 years ago i left myself open to terrible hells. singing has gone from , death! death! to 'damn us a little bit more!' crumbs. see which one do they mean? anyway been working out how to get it sorted. for me. so thought i can see the way. so formally accused myself of pride, saw my evil, and that i can never repent of it! if i do i become 'saved@ by whom? if i claim it and boast of my pride though...anyway i thought some more. remembered being the pet of darksiders [this music has an hysterical risng note, its constant, dominates tv]. anyway i thought of my lost. best to damn myself [as 'god' i can do it. temporary or flexibly so. so that fulfils gays thing; damnation = salvation. you see i am trying to get out of it? gay said the other day; repeat of 11 th hour; the evil can cheat..' i accept. you will be saved' and i thanked god. that was earlier this year. now last night i put myself in gays camp in case of turning again away from my salvation lured by my oown instabilty and lunatic clinging to my ideas of what is 'good'. you see 1 reason i guess he damned the good because they can never repent of their goodness. well i just did. i accept that good can be ugly. i can handle that. i accept i was a bloody fool. evil is good because once you're damned you're saved. thats all. but i was raging in my mind at gay, threats etc, still i have already gained greatly. seen the other side... she's me. i accept, i want to be able like that giant hag. or a more sensible me. i won't need to learn how to be god, i 'll be one of the happy winners. and i hit a lucky spot. asked how long? told don't ask for infinity, i said until i feel i've had enough. well its not innocent; but now i can look forward to power, wealth, fame, life, you know 'be put in charge of ten cities' and lose your opinions of whats right cos only gay knows. i think i may have just succeeded where i always failed before. the music is my reward or guide. 'na-na-na-na...i didn't get it. its males/females. come and damned before ..? i can't get it. i'm afraid, but i will trust in gay to deliver me out of this ages long nightmare. or let me depart in peace. is it the end of the world, or only a game? my hearts cracking. if only some i were with someone to talk to. think i'll ring mum. i had changing sides but i was threatening to gay. my minds breaking again. is time at its beginning or end? help me. help yourselves. look at the date! jesus must be here on earth.