seconds away; round two

yesterday quite importnat. mind wrenched open to experiences in infancy. grown-ups took me a baby could sit not talk to a house all painted white. i don't know who they were. tormented me for ages lots of shouting. finally they slit my eyeball open; they'd seen it in a film. the revulsion? fear? sent me insane ...ants or something poured into my mouth til i choked. now this has to r2 because there was sunshine; which i never see in higher realities.

what it is the beings there must treat me as evil. destroy me, ruin me; because i am good. this happens to anyone who is even pleasant. that way [crackers] gay damns them the right way. they are then saved, but noone cares about my terrible endless suffering.

so i remembered that. and then being out in the dark space with him. a sandy lonely place. he said something and then strangled me. he has to kill me in a way that doesn't destroy my form [=body] that way he can bring me back. this girl a little older; maybe 10. then i noticed a similar memory. suddenly hundreds. then thousands. each girl-me believing they all alone. and i can see he's been doing it over and over. a few hours later [it takes ages to get over these things] another lot..like a grat sparkling blue cloud...but its a great mound of life-memories; apparently still live. thousands of them. got glimpses. gerry on a beach. gerry begging. gerry trying to get herself saved. taught by gay. going round ruining this person or that...thousands.

that together with the upover realities which i restrained myself from destroying last wednesday; glad i did now...get rid of gay they still viable. is the lot. oh and reverse side of coin.


so the universe when you die is evil. while you can you suppposed to get yourself damned and then you find its easier. but he gets you anyway. now the king did accept me. just for telling a lie. but the cup was dashed from my hand by doubtless a little gerry walking along blindly obeying him [gay] trtying to get herself damned? why? its all built out of me or i'm his opposite, the good god, who he has terrorised for aeons into turning it all into hell. making it evil. but myself am good. hence all the punishments; i'm apparently incapable of being evil any too long? so all that in the attack is where the Devil [gay] became god. and so did i? and the real battle of good and evil was between us; not in the hearts and minds of eagles or doves or angels or lords or lessers or men...just us. and i been pulling him down,

last night a real biggie was stood watching me. i told him it was over. that i can't forgive any of it never mind all; and told him to lock himself out of it ALONE until all the gods freed and sane hold a trial. no everlasting flames; thats his thing not mine. so he surrendered and began walking down into the darkness his face began to resemble a pig... all night relaxed. knew it might be too soon.

this morning saw the swarm swarming. they all in england for iris's funeral. i know they been ordered to take me out. and this afternoon i was listening to music when i heard; yes gerry is worth her weight in poison. you see they [i didn't see the speaker] still trying to make out the good are really evil? i started [its horrible to hear this sort of thing]...and saw gay looking older, fiercer, dressed in grey, watching intently...then i caught a gold chalice tubling in front of me. knew he was trung to poison me again. told upper spirit its only real if you believe it. only deadly if you believe it will kill you; like an allergy? gay enraged coming at me; trying to kill him /make him drink it/pour it out...i said; gay is poison. like a disease pathogen he kills and deforms. the good nurse uses poison to kill disease. also recalled gay said 'you're going to a different world; where the laws are diffrent...there when the princess kisses the prince SHE turns into a frog'...so i'm going to the dark realms in my travels/dreams.a new realm, one i didn't know before? but that means i can leave too. so already got the attention of geomtrylight. and now must get out of that nasty gay=right realm myself. so the battle is not over yet. he's like a snake with multi heads. each time you chop off 1 two more grow. so he must have a vital spot. find it. and i win.

but the van kassels being in england is a worry. anyway let me state the truth. goodness is NOT poisonous. you can drink tea made by me; and thats all it is. tea. but you cannot be even too physically close to gay or van kassels....so which are the toxic ones? he forced me to make it all evil. so its all hell for me because i don't match? on the other hand he is going down. i can mend what i have done. must in fact; since i have a conscience.

incidentally i compared my sufferings downtime to the far aheads...to all the suffering seabreeze caused? its not father seabreeze who can claim the greatest crime of all time. its gay. of course. anyway look on the brightside; now you see he can be bested. he will surrender. no bollocks about mercy being stupid or forgiveness a crime against god was there? first thing he says; forgive me. mercy. but how shall i be saved'.

thats your god. don't let his minions win. they are criminaly insane and too stupid even to know they kill their salvation if they kill me.