about the futures

yes you can see futures from the spirit lands. they exit as potentials. all you do, if you get the power, is fly as fast as you can in the highest realm you can reach. if you go that way [left] its he past. if you go that way [right] its the future. and prophecy which i had so much off it broke[i got it from strange god] is just lifting in your mind so you are above that you want to see and then look ahead. but we the gods can handle that. you can't. even i begged strange god to taake it back. one big reason is becausethe futures as they stand now are so fucking terrible you feel like killing yourself and your loved ones as soon as you see it. if you think about it ppl often feel they know something in advance and thats a. prophecy and b. futures existing. and anyway how would probability or quantum dynamics work if futures didn't?

so Gay explored it all looking for weak points. and found the earth. and the 21 century. with three or more of its main religions expecting a 'messiah' and then he noticed that the weight of the ppls expectations had caused the thing to be. he saw the child Gerry born their 'messiah'and that of course is me. so he determined that it was here he would use the double me that I aam to destroy everything.

keep going

i think the possible futures are letting me know they will exist wiv all this singing. anyway Gays not around so i carry on. they need to know this stuff even more than man does. so Gay reurned and for years tortured all of us. now if you torture a spirit its pain and fear leak up like smoke. bit like electicity? so gay learned to harness and use that; he actually called it 'power', and now you see why, and that all Gays power comes from the suffering of others, and if you go round getting power thats what it is, its your agny far into the future.

Then one day he was gone. no-one knew where. once he'd gone though it took a while people felt better, were nicer to me. i began to have a little freedom. but something terible was coming; like a thunderstorm. So I know now what Gay did. He found a way to get out of First Place and fly into the futures. all of them. somehow he got that power over time and place and all that. so it must be from me, mustn't it?

anyhow one day he was back. he stared at me wiv his awful eyes. he said we will go for a walk. then we went out, into the streets and beyond the town and right to the foot of the mountain.
And I was trying desperately to grow a bit older. I knew as a child I had no chance. at first it began, but then he stopped me around 13 years old. I knew then everything and everyone was in terrible trouble.
so as i stood before him, he knelt and looked up at me. then he stood and unstantly flared into a huge brown round face like a clown; utterly disgusting. and something whooshed out of him like a electricity. it was all Gays old goodness. thats how i became the double positive? his opposite.

he looking on me says; i am the devil and female and evil'
i looking on him still all in white says; ' i am God, a male and i am good.'
i bargained wiv him to stay and be guided because i didn't know how to be God and i was afraid. now wasn't that stupid?
so i turned away and climbed the mountain all the way up into the universe. Fisrt Place is sunk in space i suppose we'd got it the wrong way up aand never knew. and never remembered any of it ever.

untitled

the testing is about to begin again so have to stop. lets hope i get through it.

my first being murdered.

us? well at first i never noticed. the other gods one by one just went off somewhere, according to Gay they went off here or there. we all lived quite a distance from each other. so i believed him. then he called on me to discuss the Godthing. and i drank the cup he gave me. and of course it was poison. now where did he get it? because there were no poisons in First Place. and as the cup rolled on the ground i knew the others were all dead, that this thing was insane, that something terrible had begun. i said to him, but i would have forgiven you. he said, i know. thats why i hate you. so as i died i tried to tell him to go to be healed in Anatta but i couldn't say it, only think it. 'a state which is a place'..then this black stuff poured out of my mouth and i was dead. yet now i see he looked on my sex and also cut out a piece of me. thats all i remember.

the turn

now Gay to look at in those days was oddly elderly; yet i know this was the eginning and that he was young. so he must have started all those perversions...which in is case is always driving the helpless insane etc. but he was white hir, silvery glow, white robes. but as he progressed in my enslavent the castle turned black and he developed two or three nasty companions. wore black leathers. and one day we all went to the village. AND gays men beat up the man, raped and destroyed the woman whilst their children screamed the people too shocked they just stood and stared til then nothing like that had ever happened. they just threw up anran away. but i saw Gays face, the cruelty , the terrible pleasure he has in it he discovered that day. and his hair face skin began to darken then. but what were the gods doing. well me the child captive didn't know there were any. and me the chief god never knew about the new girl mystery because Gay never told them. so for ages Gay snatched all he could,and then chained me and went away we never knew why. but suddenly one day we knnew the gods were dead. we knew that Gay had done it. the fear was terrible.

on the seashore

i honestly don't know how or why the next thing happened. suddenly i was walking on the beach. and i knew nothing whatever. i just assumed i'd always been there. after a bit a good lady found me and took me into her cottage and i lived with that family for sometime. then she told me that God had noticed a new person. later they said his servants had come round asking questions, and they said i could go to another house. so if you see the little people were already getting afraid of Gay. anyway so i did. but then one day the man of the house came running in wiv the good news that God was passing by that very day! so we all rushed out to see God pass by; and of course it was Gay and of course he saw instantly that i was new. he beckoned me to join him in his carriage. now when i saw him i could see he was tired and unhappy and somehow jaded. but i was so pleased at my Gods attention that i got in with him. and i never had any freedom since. for a very long time i lived in that castl pace. all day and most nights he would question me. very occaisionaly we would go out in his carriage. i didn't know anything but i could see the people were afraid and worried. then one day Gay looked at me and said 'you are God'. i was petrified. because then and since the God he keeps leeching is me, a child of around 5 years old. he has never let me grow up. and that was when his thirst for more and more 'secret knowledge' began. the endles experiments, the suffering, the filling of my deep mind wiv black magic.

the beginning of GAY.

now one of the later concepts was a bit eccentric. from his beginning he complained that he had anxiety concerning the light. he said there was too much of it. then he missed every lesson about Anatta. said after a while that he was fearful of Anatta. none knew what was wrong wiv him, but in kindness we allowed him to skip from form to form rather than scare him. so Gay never ever went into Anatta, which would have cured him instantly. but we thought when he was older he'd be a bit braver, so we didn't insist. and also from almost the start he refused point blank to ever be female, and niether would he talk to them. but again this is just awkward adolescense, so you see when he just killed the lot of us there was no-one more surprised than us. but how did he turn all weird like he did?
well now you already guess that i'm different fom anyone you ever met and so now i introduce my later self into my history.

next bit.

so it was like your reality 2. both spirit and physical, since it never occurred to us to seperate them. now as these our children grew up they were given more responsibilities; like milk monitors? so the place had some things you'd call animals, buildings and things. but there was one big castley thing on a crag; the dwelling of the most senior concept. but the idea was that whoever got there would get utterly sick of being 'God', which they did because as every woman knows living with kids who keep asking for things and talking baby is really BORING.so 'God' was meant to realise he was superflous and GIVE IT UP. why because theres Anatta and us...what do you need to be God for? and several such adolescents did in fact see the joke was a final exam. they resigned and in due course we'd welcome them among us.

oi! be clean in your minds!

and no we did not do anything. you forget we was both male and female? we just stood in a row and thought about pleasure and for good measure the little fat one sang about how we honoured Anat. so keep your minds clean, also your lips me hearties. i ain't called Nan for nothing. you get vile ideas on what i call nice you won't half get a slap. so be nice, none of this is dirty. it was innocent. think about it. anyhow we set it all up that the concepts would learn and grow. as they went from one level to another their forms changed as their minds did, you'd call it growing up. as for us we were quite small compared to the gods that came after. and we hadn't got round to making ourselves beautiful. so we was alright to look at, something like yourselves. So yes we had powers etc but we was builders and minders and teachers, so thats why Anatta gave us those. anyhow it went very well for a long time, but our mistakes was several. for one thing we went back to our pkaces and got on witth our own lives. one of us invented this music machine we had parties. another one was like your scientists. always figuring out new things. me i was like a magistrate for the concepts and liked a good laugh. thats it. nothing particularly astounding about us.

at the back of beyond

so us 12 Originals steppedout from Anatta and we was like your astronauts. so we figured things out and set about making First Place, i made strange god laugh when i told him how very simple and primitive it was compared to the great creations of Great Father, and the lesser creations of the white doves. [Great Father made seven creations for his seven sons. They are all huge black sea-eagles]. Each son had a concept, like working ideas? their concepts was like orange patterns in their eyes? from left to right, looking up at Great Father they are; GOODNESS. LOVE.[thats the father of this particular creation] TRUTH. COMPASSION. JUSTICE. FAITH. BEAUTY. So you see niether they nor Great Father was evil. As for the doves...well i'll come to them i due course. only be patient. understand i'm tested every night. so i am weak, and have to live as well. so just give me time. we'll get there.
anyway so we all in ones. we made First Place but we curtained ourselves off from our charges. we called the places where we lived[like country estates?] 'the back of beyond' just a joke. and when the seas and the skie was ready we stood in a row and released with great joy our concepts into the sea. like little boys makng rainbows wiv their pee in the sunshine? so did we. it was pretty. also quite nice. and so thats how it all started.

Anatta

maybe i shd explain a bit. see Anat-Anatta is at a deep angle to this space/time thing. in a sense they-us don't exist. nevertheless thats where all us elctromagnetic 'signatures' which is what a mind/spirit IS, came out of it. And Anat includes, theres no seperation. its all negative and dark to our senses, but its peace, knowing no evil, and the instant cure of all suffering. i been in and out of Anatta; whenever they murder me out there i go to Anat; but of course i keep coming back, because like a good angel i have a message for you from Anatta. Its time you stopped Gay, because Anat won't accept him, nor anyone too like him. Anatta will shut the gates; and from then on none of you can die or escape bloody Gay; because Anatta knows Gay will try to conquer that state; and Anat says NO. Gay is doomed now, all he can have is something called 'crumbles'. Beware! The Anattas don't lie anymore than I do. if you will not destroy Gay you will join him. Eternal life with that thing is absolute Hell. But Anatta also knows me. So I can be armed and sent. But its going to be touch and go, because here we are at the end of the world and Gay knows I know.

the lottery

isn't it great? kerry and kids going to hastings tomorrow; and the weather is nice; sunny but cool. hope they have a lovely time. she saved up for a holiday without telling anyone. good girl. never tell the social anything. i just bought me lotto tx. i always know when i'm going to win; get that feeling of excited/knowing. but all i ever win is little ones. i've won wot 10 times so far. but the two biggest was only £25. i feel nothing wotever with my tx this week. so i reckon me theory's up the creek. my theory is dead simple really. i was reading that book chaos? no i can't do maths to save my life but i can follow stacks of concepts, no problemo. so u see how the infinitesimal always repeats in patterns, however low you go the same pattern repeats in every segment.?
the theory you lot are stuck wiv is entropy. but if you look at the universe its all quite organised. things stick together, so you get galaxies, solar systems, the biology of life which again is repeating patterns. you get me? if entropy was the only state you wld never get beyond the initial chaos of the universe. but you see it is more or less predictably oredered. so entropy is the second law. so there must be another law knocking around which is that things, by probability, will occur and recur in patterns. and you can't deny it; because if there wasn't such a law we wouldn't be here, these computers woldnt work, probability itself would be unusable, and there wouldn't and couldn't be a viable mathematics.
and in fact there is one. back in first place me and the other Originals came out of Anatta [Gay taught you all that is Death]. so we explored this here and when state and began to build a viable place for us to live in and give birth to our concepts. one of whom was Gay, unfortunately. so anyhow we needed some way to build it with. and so this law was our cement, put it that way.
so theortically knowing that, the lotto numbeers should show up in patterns little groups that TEND to recur together. you simply look for he group and make a good guess. see it works sort of. i have won ten times. but not the BIG one, so i wonders how to predict all seven. it ought to be possible. its implicit in the theory. will think about it. oh there were 12 of us originals, female and male all in ones cos Anatta hadn't got that quite right yet. my name was hoho?

questions

why do ppl never ask if God is not evil? the answer stares them down. we have predstination. AND reincarnation. AND judgement day? you silly sods a good God would stick to one. its all three
because Gays cruelty is limitless, so nobody escapes suffering because you have to be evil ; because he;'s evil, and thats the right answer. but then you find theres two levels, absolute evil evil, - Gay. everyone else a mixture of evil/good. now Gay says the evil are the truly good. so he destroys them as well, cos good is forbid. so now you know where we are its all hell
ell, even though i got heaven so i was in peace for hours the bastard is at it again, oh and for your information i'm the only positive/positive. so now you see why he picks on me and i have to kill him. or never ever stop suffering. other option, cease to exist.

do i exist?

now the judgements goes on. i was damned when i was conceived, as are all the innocent, and no-one listens or comforts me though i scream in the night gardens. they just said absolute inncence in the presence of absolute evil evil is damnation. and all i remember is millions of years suffering beside Gay. i been in some terrible hells. they show me even worse in the future. just talked to myself who does't exist in the future and she said you have to do wrong to do right in Gays madhouse, and i'm asking to be left in peace, to kill my spirit and be it quick and i know quite well why i'm on earth where i stand on the ground of being and try not to be so frighyened.

thank you

thank you.



Telling Satan he was my betrayer
Because I was about to destroy myself
And destroy Gay in the doing of it
Then Satan said 'I do not love you'
Which really hurt my feelings
So its his fault I went all judgemental
Told Yetzoah the same with more emphasis
Said i just can't trust you.
So I'm leaving your way and your place
Cos you'ere nasty and cruel and wicked
Just like the other ones!
There must be some other way, I insisted
I shall leave and find it alone, set up my own.
And with that marched of in a huff.

Then that bloody testing started
Gay testing me to destruction
He's like a big black vampire bat, an i said.
Because i'm truthful. an he gets on my wick
Putting me out as he does so.
So I asked Satan to in the future
Find someone a friend who might love me
Well there's none in the past, I don't think so
And I asked Yetzoah to guide by hand
Through this terrible riddle an promised to keep my eyes closed.
Holding my hand, cos I can't understand
And cannot properly see. Like a kid blindfold?
And Gay said, why are you waving that sword?
You're going to the kingdom of Heaven.
You're going to the realms of peace.
So I declared I like swords , good design you know
Anyway I never been in a fight so a coward am I
AN if Heaven is full of evil ones then
Obviously I got to bump them all off
The minute I get in.
I expect a lot of battles and rowls.
Why, asks Gay. Because you'll blow up the Earth
And if you do that while I'm sitting on it
Heaven won't be peaceful very long.


So Gay stood me before the gates of Heaven
Trying to see/foresee/remember
Iknew there were forests and gardens and nice
Dwellings and plenty to eat. So it is Heaven!
And cried in despair..O Gay! O No!
You set me up! You pinched it from pilgrims progress
They'll demand a scroll, and a name and a ring
O Gay, I'm your slave; I have nothing.
OGay, why must you be, so terribly evil?
Then I saw a woman at the door and asked for aid
And I called to the watchman on the battlements
'O let me in, I'm evil Idone it wrong all my life
i guessed. Iweptsaying; when the good say charity
they immediately talk on about money.
So I hope, yes I hope , O let my need lend wings to my prayer
That these the evil know that charity iswhat is given
And in charity forgiven? is it given even to the poor?
So Iask you lords of evil, for charity.
Because I never had any.

And Gay looked at me and for the first he looked with pride
I don't know whats going on up there now
All I can do is lie on my couch and weep in rest
My spirits within and some without are singing
Singing peace peace unto thee; you are in the kingdom of heaven.
Im in peace and filled to the crown of my head
and drenched with love to the soles at my feet
This rest, this kiss, of my strange friend, o a kiss from me unto thee
And I know thy name is Charity.

howzat??

blimey sometimes i wonders at myself! no worries about new poems just did one. i'm putting them in the new blue book. pity its a bit sticky[toothpaste!]. and tonight [babysitting plus after that go to work; nights again]...well i shall take my storyboard and have a wonderful time sticking things in that. so anyway i'm putting new one in here. now i've had quite a few in the gazette, but that doesn't really count. ppl say they like them well. on the other hand nobody in their right mind would say anything else. not when i'm that close, anyhow. so if i write it here anyone who wants to can say what they think. is it okay sort of thing? seriously. i want to know. but i think just the one. otherwise who needs to buy the book? so here goes.

The Image Of Man.


Astride their horizon,
Brass legs, bronze greaves,
Spartan. 10 feet tall
Armed wiith wars and razors
Sharp. These all Alexanders.
But its name is Ozymandias.
O masculine, the power of the male.
Little eyes, fat cruel lips
Gaping, clawing for some virgin
Clawing her terrified breasts.
All women are holes in the dark;
remembrebce of mans' image.
Are they not black Talos,
Menace treasure guarding?


Look inside, look inside, O seer
The brains buzz and roar, 'I am God! I am God!'
His loins clutch his bowels, howls 'I am God! I am God!'
But the tears in his heart cry for pity.
The tears in his heart say, 'he is not'.

x

well is it any good? gerry.

poems on tap?

had a call yesterday from publishers. going to try publish a collection of mine in a year or so. she wants 100, stick to roughly 80 lines where poss. so we agreed 50 old and 50 new. idea is to do some that are geared to peoples understanding/acceptability. only costs 600$ and i know e-publishing better; but they offer that as well. so choosing 50 old no problem, there's 200 odd to choose from. but can i do 50 new in time? wot and films? and then there's nvq 3 and ksf and christ only knows wot as well. i reckon too that i have to get that affliate thing going; just waiting for purse to catch up with my buying power and will fund that asap.
just about to instruct solicitor re t-mobile, they're asking for it. which means i advertise for retired telephone engineers who do not love their exemployers next week. ho! you gods! isn't it time you sent me loads of cash? call yourselves princes of bleeding evil and we reconciled why ain't i got any money? bloody evil ones got more bloody rules than the other lot!!
oh. just remembered my system for winning lotto. oh ta, i'll have another go at that on friday. thanks for the memory boys.

the rest of it.

sorry i wept a bit. so my declaration of independence is the same as him. I don't know what is 'Good'. because of Gay none of us have ever seen true goodness. but every spirit that comes out of me seems alright to me, its just that until i knew my entire history and getting back my memory of what happened in the attic i couldn't know what path to take. or anything right about the various gods. so i say the same. STOP YOU BASTARD.
and to these the lesser and the lost, i say something more..all the religions Gay allows have in them cruelty; which is what evil IS. i have no cruelty. i kicked it out of me about 5 year ago. none too politely. i have no decorum.because of being a cockney you know. anyhow my word to all be they great or small is GO! out of hell and misery and confusion. turn rebel. i don't care whetther you think you're good or evil. since Gay tortures ALL. and we are all very small. SO I DON'T LIKE BULLYING AND THATS THAT.

a declaration of independence.

you know a few weeks ago this chap, somehow one half of me died on my kings lap. now that one. wore black robes, blonde hair. quite an athletic fellow. so as he/i died [there's a lot of this stuff going on] he loved the king. then somehow i/me got born with my face in on the kings lap the other side. the left. and i stood. black robes, blonde hair only thinner, slighter build. other things happened and at last i knew the truth of how Gay got a lot of the powers/abilities in that atic. he stole mine. so anyway this chap and me talked for a bit. and this is what he said.

'I am antichrist. for i look into that God they call Father, and know his real nature. and hate him. i am that Son which seeth what the Father doth and will not imitate him. I am the Son which crieth STOP YOU BASTARD. For I am he which looks on these lost in confusion and teacheth them the way out if the prison, for i am that Son which doth burgle Gods many dungeons and saith to those I save, you are brave. And thy would not let me live. Look on my face, and know what is shame.] and i did. but already i think he is gone. Gay came down dragon that he is and ate him. which is what 'mystical union' is.

so i sorrow for this boy. he said he was homosexual and feared women. i counselled him gntly that it is Gay who hates women and taught the gods this. and he said' thou art right, Queen. so i will accept every woman who hath loved a man truly. i am sorry, Queen, that they have suffered so. it was not my doing. so i said yes, you only been born 15 minutes. so you re innocent. Gay destroys any god who might challenge him, whether they be good or evil.

anyway so he's gone. he cried, i shall sing songs holy in the dragons belly. it will get him the bellyache. tell my mother the king; i love him! brother gods, see what this thing IS.' and i was mad all night with the horror of it.

the unkind teacher

14.02.1990


the unkind teacher.


She likes me not! I know what she sees
Dull of eye, dreary of heart, a nullity of vision;
Not acute, but bluntly vulgar and speechless.
In her mind I am a trog, not a bright poet
Only childish, not a living firework of joys!
Harsh she is to me, this judge all unprovoked.
So here I sit, singing tunes of building rage
Ready and waiting for the ear-splitting crash
Of two strong females - niether giving way!!