the message got through

you know for months i been going through all this? yesterday realised that a big part of me [redcloak] has never appeared. gay killed him while i was being born i think. so deeply is my mother in this. and the other day remembered how i tried to please him with perfect concentration when i was 5. he snatched a lightbeing out of my head. drooled with triumph. told me then i had no futures. which is why for years i don't look right in photos. something is missing. i am truncated. what he took of course was god in the lotus; something i suppose everyone else still has. so thats been sufffering terribly and thats source [your purusha, or effulgent light] died then. which is why the yogis try to get to it and be dead also. and why no amount of yoga can do anything for me. he killed both kundalini and that godsource in me. so greyflash was quite right. all that is closed to me. as i have said; there is no future for me. anyway thinking on this i got angry yesterday. now when i am angry for some reason i get the odd burst of ability? i asked the girls still tuned in to like be a circuit? i suppose they have little future either; if gay wins none worth having. true for all of you.

anyway just to say quickly i have done it. i worked it out. all of it. and asked for help. mercy. even if its death. anything is better than the futures. anything better than the past. i am answered. i got it right. so the good news is help is on its way. all we do is hold on. will tell about it later. just i will finish these teachings. but now hang on to your hats. i am so pleased and glad its started with great father. he must have been in misery and who thought to help him? no-one.

anyway now my teachings might end on a brighter note, just be patient and wait. next entries about various lives out there. and will tell all i know about anat. and end with what i did yesterday. and that will end after i describe whats been happening here for the last 2 years. be of good cheer. i actually got something right!! help will come to all of you. just hold on.