omg

went to see mum. to watch the bond film. we had a nice chat about this bargain i found...she will investigate for me tomorrow cos i am stuck at doctors. then sister arrived, back from Turkey. she looking great, loved the hat. yakketty-yak. we rolled up about some more relatives/ancestors she's found; name of PRINGLE and the other one is SEX!! so we had a giggle. its interesting to us to see how many of these ppl actually did quite well in life. one chap was a goldsmith and his relict was listed as a 'gentlewoman'...so they were well off. where did all the money go? because the further back we go the more money they seem to have; so why did we have to start so low in society? its a mystery. but then Jacqui guessed the conversation was about to turn on money so she and Samantha cleared off. not before Mum told us all about the ghastly Aunt Agnes; and she's quite right, such behaviour is disgusting. saw Jacqui squirming; i knows perfectly well she's been taking money off mum for months telling mum she'll give me my share in due course. mum always believes i can't manage, and that Jacqui is totally honest. well i wait n see.

its no good. i feel like marching to nearest bridge and meeting the bloody ancestors. i allowed this handsome young man to chat me up. i took advantage of his youth [28] and generally halfcut state. somehow got him home; bit difficult fending off the wildly sexual converse and general himminess on the bus, plus we pass a lot of bushes etc but i definitely wasn't going where the party might include insects and nettles and peeping toms...so held him up and steered him home. well he sounded sexy. i was too. but it was not great; a better word might be yuck. an he crashed off the bed 3 times. and wasn't particularly gifted with finesse. so in the end we gave up. got shot of him. he just came back!! again too much too soon and anyway hands like a brickie i mean its in his head all right. but doesn't know to get into mine FIRST!! so he's gone again, trying to be all commanding silly sod. that is a good way to hear the gentle words WILL U SOD OFF...so now i suppose the gods will be all upset and what for? i'm in misery.

i dunno what to do anymore. it was wrong to take advantage, an i apologised. well maybe i should look for an older man? with much nicer hands? but he kisses real nice. oh i don't know. fed up. all i want is the man i met before. but i can't go on like this. and he was very shocked at all my books. whatever will he do when i start on about the gods etc? because bet your life he'll be back...

an you know what it was ? he looked Roman. suppose i'd better take me pill.

oh interesting. mr stevens has also had something drop on his head, same result. then we discovers its HIS garage...well thats very odd. all these dangerous accidents in his own garage?? maybe the Crone has got tired of chucking pots of paint at him? been setting up 'accidents'? seems strange he keeps going in there. i always said that woman didn't like him. the two of them after each others money. but she's a master at it. poor old Dickie.

for decker

I Call You Home.

Come out of the dark
O shadowman, silent appealer.
By me stand crowned with sunshine
Our eyes that still blue, haunted by history.
Look where I show thee
Your rightful place
Where each should be
Serene, young, happy
The cosmos straight;
Simple and no grims hid.

It is Heaven, a great and gentle English park
Green, gold, the waters divine sparkling.
All heavy in huge peaceful summer
Masses of intricate flowers, bright fruits.
Vasty blue skies set it in gold
An enamel icon to hide in your soul.
And look neath the trees;
A young man, waiting, lonely, asking
Where did it go? this home of my soul?
He waits still, listening in the sweet breeze
That clear soft singing.
See that is your house
Then it was white and radiant.
Its waited so long to hear laughter, children.
And the man is you, the place your Heaven
As it began and must be again.
Or never be happy or easy, no welcome ever.

Put my icon in your heart - a map, a compass
What you need in your heaven.
And work to go back to that.
Just- don't go living alone
Wisdom is born of two hearts and love
Its grief which grins madly on his own.


Now look where we are. The gas foul swirls
The men in mud fighting, dying,
Bayonets flashing,the shells blasting
Mud and men and sticky wet air
Its all brown, mud, scarlet and grey.
A helmet against the actinic split night
Deepset eyes looking down, O blue!
Now we see at last! at last!!
We have always been in each others past.
A strong hand lifts the destroyed
Shoulder to shoulder we charge the top over
Hoping and dying and in darkness crying for mother...

We can stay like this or go back to that
And do it by more secret wars,
The gifted healers and warriors
Overthrowing evil in whatever guise it hangs.
Or like me we all die trying; trying
And let them see that;
That you are, each one, worth that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx gerry stevens, 03/10/2009

please me

it occurs to me that it might be my last life but the earth or similarmay go on for ages yet. so i know the gods, and a lot of others as well. what if? what if without Gays spiritual murders i might have been REALLY a proper god? what would i want then? what would i ask of these poor lost men and women?

1. we are all lost in Hell. 2. your enemy makes like your friend; but he is the one you never notice, never suspect til its all too late.3. Gay hates innocence, goodness, mercy, reasonable justice, reason itself, he IS evil. listen to him and you will be destroyed. 4. in life as a man he seemed to hate Jews, women. children. animals. science types AND priests/'saints'...all he wants, all he does, is to get that pleasure of cruelty. so at a guess he chose the Jews...yes, for all that suffering. and all of it unfair....do you see that those he favours either become like him, or suffer horribly and forever? and yes, those he accepts as his own really are nasty cruel devils...but STILL they wind up in the same infinite agony. he calls that his universal goodness or something.
if anyone can imagine me as a 'god' i say this. be nice to others, especially the afflicted. like the Jews chosen for holocausts? why? because they are NOT evil...see? if you are kind to ppl who suffer you please me, and annoy Gay.
try not to commit these evils, murder. slavery , abuse of women. do not use laws to harm others, try to get judges who are not whores towards the rich or powerful.
realise that thiis thirst for power over others comes from your experiences in the spiritlands. see this and control yourself. those who claim to want better things for the poor are just as ugly inside as any dictator. know all i say is true. its up to you to use what you can, defend what you love.
and someday go out as you see i can, even tho i be mortal like you...and clean them up in their poor smashed minds. even those evil can be helped once Gay is blasted out of existence. well you can have heavens again, the Doves live. You can have the real good Eagles. they live, just not in their right ways. and so on. just make up your minds; which do you want? Hell? Heaven?

just please to remember it was the good gods who invented women. and sex. and joy. and it was innocent, then. so please don't think you have to be devils in hell to have pleasures.under Gay yes it has been so; but those pleasures are only cruelty all over again. nothing more. its the other way round. A real Heaven includes those; its Hell which ends onlly in loss and pain, confusion and ugliness. i am not pronouncing a sentence; i have not damned anyone except Gay. i just tell you the choice is yours. but while that thing lives be quiet about it. but is there a choice? yes. you can be rebels, you can work against him quietly even if you have already been imprisoned in his 'choose evil and live happy ever after' trap. now you see it as a trap, why wouldn't you work against him? all the perversions, diseases, wars and all the atrocities are his doing, in my eyes. work silently, but free yourselves. i teach the gods...and so must you; now you know as i do that the gods were fools before any of us. we can sort it out with a lot of patience. but the one thing needful is alwas and everywhere kill Gay. work against him. Hell is what it sounds like...the rest he has got the gods to support and do. but they don't want to...so. you going to be a rebel, a teacher, a doctor from now on? blessed are you; though i won't live to see it.

islam and me

right i first met Allah donkeys years ago in some wild an lonely place out there. if you think of the spirtlands as levels rising from the earth then we are in reality 1, sometimes i call it it the physical. now even here where everything is matter an wewalk round in monkey suits the spiritlands do interfere. but now you know that a lot of that is actually nasty, not helpful at all. anyway so counting on levels this is maybe 12 up. so yes you can meet the gods. why it keeps falling to me to be treated as another when obviously i'm not i dunno. anyway so there was myself, young man in prussian blue, usual blonde hair. but i guessed i hadn't been the only biggie to get into this new world, there was Allah and beside him an old friend i kbnew ages ago; one Zion. so we met an talked. now Allah was so bright and shining i couldn't see him clearly. he reckoned to me he had always been so. Zion looked like himself, he collect the Jewish ppl an friends. I remember he began as an ordinary angel. he's a great one now. but just the same, very secretive, prone to his own version of 'magic' as you will hear in due course. but we have been allies for years. so we agreed in our 'new birth' ignorant state to share what we had and protect each other as well. because we were all 3 reasonable good 'gods' Zion these days looks like a tall venerable old man. no beard. but powerfully built an given to wearing very ornate robes. like decorated ? he also appears in his very own light show; kind of lights an he's on both your left and your right? anyway we were busy making agreements. i made it perfectly clear i was not 'god' that i didn't know how or why i kept coming back and i was telling them how everywhere was somehow wrong, i was in danger all the time. Which is when they discovered i keep on being dragged into living lives!! Then along came Satan. that terrible atmosphere he has of fear and horror. he forced them to obedience to him. which is when they found out that my words were true; the wrong ones have too much power. well all 3 of us were dragged down. Satan then dragged me up to the high place....its always the same big white mountain. an there i tried to bring him down. i declared as Law 'they shall pay all they owe'... knowing it would destroy me also. so off he went, telling me this was my last time. now that was long ago.

since then i lived several lives under Islam. In fact Allah himself was very good to me, an i felt i was a bit of a saint. but of course all these lives were male. not rich; i never had a rich life yet. but you know, one of the favoured sex. i used to AGREE wiv Allah in 'prayer' how women were nothing, even your mother is only a tool to be used and chucked out at any excuse. As a man i simply was deaf and blind to the evil i lived in under Islam. and this wasn't that long ago. by human reckoning maybe a century?

in fact i loved Allah, lived by that faith, seeing no qrong. men are terrible like that. as long as thy are number 1 every shit is all right by them. so in future don't listen to a male 'prophet'...its all selfserving lies. Yes Allah exists. so does Zion, so do i. we at least do not eat souls. so that is one great virtue all 3 of us have. so that is good to be able to say that. in my last life as an islamic Allah told me i must live another life, and that i would turn on him. i begged him not to abandomn me. and he didn't, actually.

so what is Allahs 'heaven ' like? its out there, so no weather an he stays shining at his end. the other end is all huge dusty ugly medieval tenements. just like anywhere in gaza or morocco. boring. and populated very thinly. in those tenements a few ghastly old men, who's chief virtue is 1. reading koranic crap til their brains are mush and 2. yep, hating women. there are NO women there at all. they stay for centuries, but eventually they reurn to live again. anyway i know what happens to even the most inoffensive, pious and dumbest islamic female. her life ruined in that slavery; the there she is routinely murdered and her form just thrown out. female=worthless, even in heaven...an no, even i never saw it as the horrible cruel nonsensical evil it was. because in fact due to the folly of the old gods and the bloody daft Doves there are few real Female spirits in existence. so nearly all the women on earth ARE male spirits; just the same as the others. but in death ppl keep the form/persona they know for quite a while? now you see how stupid it is.
unfair an in the end meaningless. its because there are no great female gods that its all loveless and sexless and joyless and grey out there. and its the reason why women here try so hard to be feminine; because really they're blokes. an i suppose some men deep down know they've been robbed of joy, of kindness etc. so they wish to BE women, here on earth. i can't help but feel sympathy for them. at least they know something is very wrong. but its not within them.

anyhow so Allah one day summoned me, usual soul servility. then he told me i had to g. he picked me up and sucked my head. he said i'd understand one day. of course i do. it was to show me he can't eat soul. anyway there stood a grey shattered young man Allah said it was Jesus. that meant to me e was an esteemed one, nothing more. i flung my robe round him and said welcome in Allahs name. Jesus screamied about demons. i thought he was mad; said 'this poor unfortunate imbecile doesn't know hs lord!' Jesus screamed more; so Allah let him sleep. i did not understand when Allah told me he was important to me. but i sorrowed that i was to leave Allah. he promised to help me. then he told me to 'go to hell' and like a good muslim i was afraid but obeyed. and hell turned out to be earth!!

i became christian in 1974. i think now to escape Gays destruction. but then all i knew was my love for Jesus, christianity. and went off to Morooco on a cheap holiday. I will not sully your minds wiv the filth and cruelty and outright evil i saw every day in that awful islamic hellhole. because this time i'm female and then was a militant libber. but i have loathed islam ever since. that is one set of beliefs straight from Gay. in fact every religion which abuses women in the end you will find is under Gays patronage. so you see all earth religions are now suspect.

and they both came to me in Fez. Zion whisphered about some floor next door to the old university. he wants that in Zion, so i l know the Jews if they survive will again have a prophet and presumably a Temple. i did write the chief rabbi about it. but was ignored. feel sorry for that guy when he meets Zion! He also told me to baptise a different way to save a baby. but thiis was years before i had Kez. anyhow Allah took up all the sky, like sunshine but a man? angels flying round him. he said, 'i have faithfully loved you. become a muslim, have 3 muslim sons and be happy. i will send the man to you that you MUST marry'....CRASH!!

what i said was loud and long. no. also wot the fuck did he mean keep saying about compassion when everything the filth in morocco showed me made me enraged and violent because of its cruelty and craziness; we rowled. i'm afraid i hit him. twice. i didn't remember anything. just you don't pretend to be holy wiv that lot in front of my eyes. he went off swearing to destroy me. i promised him war an defeat, hoped he liked swimming in blood, etc. and went back knowing i'm bloody right. islam as it is now is the work of devils, through the sick opinions of a nasty 'prophet' who i know Allah stuck in a hell all his own the moment the bloody man died. anyway so me an Allah have been not such great pals ever since.

its worse. he came back after Father Seabreeze; and because i was certain and stayed firm, though in fact i still didn't know enough, he left wondering.

and last year i met him again. being a bit insane at the time we were out there in spiritland and i simply lost my temper. been under a lot of stress, so i beat him up, being conveniently a big male god at the time. i think thats me when i remember to be jehovah? but not sure. and Allahs lights went out. he stood before me a tall thin black devil. And i have to say he really was truly sorry. nevertheless i kicked his arse out into space and he can come back an clean it all up. but not while i'm around. so do you see? A bright god, yet thats what was hid inside? yet he hasn't done anything particularly wrong. so i don't understand. really i can't understand.

today

up early and coughed my way to hospital; x-rays done quickly and then off to mum. she's better as well. we put our heads together on this great money making thing an its only up the road. explained it an now we find you don't actually have to be rich to start wiv we're dying to have a go at it! so its next tuesday. somehow i got to clear all the junk out of the junk room and there's my storage. then i go and get the first 10. thats £50 worth, an i got that ready too... taxi back, and then gawd knows how but i got to carry her up 5 flights of stairs ; mind you she's smaller these days but then so am i; anyhow we are going to have a wonderful pm tearing it all open an having a great Noss!! then wot we don't go bagsies on we flog!! and we do this every tuesday and as the money gets made we do more!! if it works as planned will have an entire network of relatives/neighbors in on it!! [for fees if i do it for them!]....this is a great day in history. it must be the first time in history me an mum agree about anything. i mean its a good idea. making money is nice; but by itself its dull. but this you see!! we will get to see ppls private bits an everything.!! nothing like a good Noss to keep ppl interested, you know.

but it just shows you how walls have ears. yesterday i went on zopa blog and let fly my feelings on the subject of banks. and TODAY our dear leader 'invents' the ppls bank of the post office' trying to be popular. but the po planned it all an its all on its way....nothing to do wiv our dear leader.... an now he's getting stuck. for a man dedicated to the poor he's now gently remarking how he's actually middleclass etc; but trying to say it only in the right papers lest the poor find out. not that its news to me; there is only one socialist in the set who is really working class but that unfortunately is Dumbo, guaranteed to be the spare prick at any wedding. him and his 6million houses....all built in the estuary. nice cheap land there. nobody told Dumbo why in 25, 000 years no-one ever lived there....wait for the next springtide plus thunderstorm. that is when loads of silly buggars will find out too, as they try to steer a 3-bed semi across the channel.

but it shows you they spy on everything and then try to ride the 'popular wave' in the next speech. all about fighting for this and that. but wot i see is a fat boring stupid git who can't find his own arse talking like a soldier because he's NO a soldier. more of your big girls blouse.

innit depressing? that is a leader?? why can't they stop spying, lying, making pacts wiv nasty evil islamics? or banks? do we in fact need banks? work it out. the bankers believe it. the political addicts want to believe the'experts'... everyone wants to make it work. but it can't and won't until someone gives the banks their Rule. which is 1. you help ppl prosper, then you prosper. 2. no u are not 'allowed' to force any charges or fees you like 3. you the banks had better respond to the community you exist to serve. or 4. we will hang you.


could say much the same to quite a lot of scumbags. islamics. foriegners. poxy eu crooks. the list is no long. the roman way is hang the worst where the ppl can see the justice is done. the rest will then do what their cowardly natures shall dictate. leave, we all hope.

bit better today

hoo i dunno how but i'm coming back to you all. right up to last night terribly tired. all i could do was sleep, like massive great blocks of sleeping. but today up early, housework ok, coughing better, no particular tpr. seeing doctor at 0930m. going to try to make him understand the nightly battle, the weird things happening. no i don't want to endure Pearl!! or get banged up wiv the moronic nurses in QMH or SPH...but i need help. someone who knows its happening to be wiv me. my daughter simply will not come here. dunno why. she visits peggy/my mum...but never answers me. maybe she scared? whatever, its unforgiveable. she's able to ring me the next day and ask me to pick up boys etc...but never seems to understand this is no joke, its the end. unless i'm strengthened, wiv someone. thats why i go back to work asap; to keep it out, under control.
anyway i will get back to the history soon, and also start describing things i seen out there. its bad. whoever reads this WILL start remembering themselves. prepare for a terrible nervous breakdown....its not easy to discover that after death which should be heaven, thats what we were all made for....in fact is the most ghastly stupendous Hell. and the worst ppl you can imagine are the victors, your torturers, think of nazis, murderers....real hellstars. they are in charge. to be accepted, you have to please them; or be worse.

so they call me the Devil? now u see it doesn't mean the same to me as it means to the damn fool christians. its 'God' who is evil. i am a rebel. anyone wiv any guts will join me. and anyway i'm not black. nor shiny. very colourful, yes. actually my favourite colour is blue/indigo...

gods plan

i sort of recall. in the very far future Gay is showing me various beings in awful agony. he turns, smiles and says...'but Gerry this is what they're for...why do you think I did it all?'
Again a few years back I wa trying to come to terms with spiritlands. So I was looking at a great thin wheel. at the top was this dark place. in order for me to get past someone had to 'pay the ticket' or something. it was Yaldabaoth as I called him then. he was murdering a christ, a small weak one. As he did so the wheel turned and apparently I was past that obstacle. I begged for the man's life; again Gay told me thats what christs 'are for'. But that was a person, not a key!! I shuddered at the horror of what Gay has done to all in the spiritlands. But 'its either him or you'.
so he did it all. killed the real good Gods, made filthy pacts and ghastly hells everywhere wiv the evil; he offers me always the chance to 'be saved' if only I go round allowing or even doing evil cruel things. and i expect thats true for everyone. all of it to exercise his cruelty.
not too far ahead he appears on a raised stone dais. below him many many ppl. all human looking, not deviily. and he tells them they are judged as failures, cruel, stupid...because they never worked out that evil is the right answer.

and they are broken in despair, as he stands there omnipotent, telling them all the suffering wiv no escape or redress or relief. forever. they are niether good nor bad. they are his chosen victims is the truth. and where are the 'evil' those nasty insane cruels? oh they're heading for exactly the same; a lot already there in those silent places. they just don't know it yet. because he will switch off their 'power' and they will find that Hell is the mess they made which now is jail, and they also
will never leave off their suffering and despair. Gay can't see any difference between the good and the evil, mainly because he always meant to corrupt a lot of the good to prove the good were really evil. and he can't have zillions of happy, omnipotent cruel, ambitious devils running about where he can't watch them now can he? someone might do it to him!

anyway I stand exactly as I was before it began. I've tried to be evil really i have, it just won't stick. so back again damned for being good. if you think maybe I'm something they need. well nobody needs HIM.

so anyway whosoever reads this; have you noticed a lot of odd scary nasty things happening lately? sounds of crowds, or children or ducks screaming? similar? but when you look there's nothing? me too. for months. i think he's trying to end the world by black magic. certainly very nasty ppl keep appearing, meddling...but then you find they are not recognised by the regular staff. if this world is a lot more porous than we know then whats happening is that you are becoming aware of the spiritlands. they are closer? we are waking? anyhow you see what I mean....the spirits are cruel meddling morons. the other worlds are absolute nightmares. if they won't turn and fight Gay to death...then us humans must. if we die we go out there. if Gay is bringing them here....

so you see my plan? and you see his? choose evil, you get him for god. i don't want to be god. but i want to live somewhere nice, be with ppl i can love. oh by the way you don't have to die to get there. its a speeded up realm, you just use your mind. if you get clever; they can stand here so you can talk to them. or we can probably go there. anyway test what they tell you. don't be gullible. an angel might lie, a devil be hideously deformed from years of torture. the further out you go the less like earth it gets. you couldn't stay on earth forever anyway...but you can live as immortals out there. your choice then. do you want to clean it up first?

why you do! so do I!! that makes us.....good?

sunsets

been quite ill last few days. sleeping a lot; and watching the sunsets. tonight was really beautiful. this is heaven, our good old earth. all the spiritlands are barren, all the spirits mad. they are savages, all intent on increasing their power. so as to stop their own suffering. some to defeat evil. but then they never seem to realise its Gay does all this to them. in the last few days have been given glimpses, or perhaps they're memories. all i can tell the ppl of earth is that all out there are minds. ppl just like you. and all savage, mad, cruel. so humans clean it up...they are patterns [signatures] in electro-magnetic fields...minds just as you are. so blast them apart with directed currents of energy; negative ? i dunno. another way is to focus information at them so fast they can't process it. make it nonsense too. they will go quicker. remember they're all over the earth. these 'realities'...they can't escape and if you don't make it better; niether will you. and above all kill Gay. he IS evil. so now they listen, not so much judging lately.

so this is heaven; or all that is left of what should have been heaven. out there used to be good. now they sleep on the ground like cattle, everywhere nice 'gods' are the victims of devils, there's no food or dwellings or books or music, nothing. except this insane nitpicking about morality. how moral is that? the gods are savages. but its all Gay's doing. they can all be helped, if ppl only took over and acted like an army/hospital for them. all within the Orb have been driven mad. it is all of it Hell. and that is still true even for those fools who learn evil and become devils. yes judging their betters ; and damning them for their goodness!! you see at once you are next!! or don't you know yet that Gay is frightened of anyone getting strong? he mustn't be hurt, you see. and also when you got a whole universe full of screaming clawing being devoured devils...what is it called?? oh yes....its called Hell.

heh-heh-heh

and i just looked up to heaven and kept my word; bless me fathers for i have sinned. which in their evil eyes i did! see? now they have to bless me...and still karma rules. since i have never ruled at all. so its on pilot from now on...

and if anyone reads this truly loves ANYTHING...a child, a dog, their country, law, reason, woman, art, music anything...say wiv me 'I CURSE THE GODS, I WILL DEFEND MY LOVED ONE.'

and work it out until you are gods yourselves; as in fact you were intended to be. and then do a lot better than those!!

night-nights.

update

just sorting things out. getting better. going back to bed in a mo. flashed above the 'dark lords' now i see them. gay said here were TWO lots of eagles. so this up top lot are strangers, evil, and its about time someone did something about them. all i did was declare above them in their own dark....karma rules, and karma will destroy those who only destroy; not love. they looked depressed. so since that now in my little voice is above them they will eventually suffer as they make to suffer. one way of teaching imbeciles to behave/feel better is to deliver them to their own fates, just as they deal to others. so i go to endless hells etc...but you again see why. its your good deeds they destoy you for. but i'm a funny dinner. i may look sweet pudding to them. but eaten i shall prove a redhot toxin; remembering to sing in them. not songs holy, i don't know any. what about singing very loudly what they think so in future anyone can beat them?

and ppl you go to the like fates. think on. who do you want for god? which hell do you think you can tolerate? i say none. and i can't trust Anattas...so me i do these things. incidentally it is the evil who oppress the good and they are NOT secretly good. that is a lie, except for my brentie they are horrible. but it does seem that the bright spirits really arecruel, irrational and wildly unjust. gay says there's no difference between them. but there's still me. now that strange god goes. i fight on in my small way. because i despise them. particularly gay.

and he looked elderly even in first place. but we were all young then!! how long has that thing been god? i can see how hideously huge it is. how terrible it gets. but he is the real enemy; and easily killed if you catch him quick. believe it! that thing is a lesser being!!

off to my bed.

unhealthy

1. acute lung infection
2. fractured elbow....w/o trauma
3. muscle spasms again.
4. angina/ heart problem?
5. rt eye getting tired
6. fractured pelvis [old]
7. heat waves/irritability/fatigue.


medicated at last. actually i think doc has overdone it. lungs already betterish. apart from doing a spot of hswk all i can do is sleep a lot. they sent me home from work. wanted to call an ambulance but i didn't want to spend all day in hospital. anyway now i will be okay. the smashed window in the office is forgiven; violet accepts she was too assertive, and viveen has entered it as accidental.

on the messiahs

hm i did explain this to my brentie the other day; but in case he didn't get it....and anyway, there's no reason why all men shouldn't know this. i repeats it.

1. there is always a white messiah, and a black messiah. you have been taught that the blck messiah is evil and treachorous. nope. its the other way round. gay has fucked up resemblances. so what appears white and holy generally isn't. the other one [think judas] is generally unaware of his role. and therefore did not choose it. is innocent, a dupe? well i think that time this was so. but of course you also get...
2. the rich messiah [prince] and the poor man[beggar]. now think carefully. judas stole..because he was poor, and a bit obsessed wiv money. as the poor tend to be. jesus is everywhere described as 'poor'....don't be daft. his lineage was royal, his followers chucked money at him...even his wedding was a big do. and like all rich gits he promises to make his followers rich too. step 1. give away all your wealth. who to? him, dear.
3. and you can also have the fool, and the wise messiah. and i suppose in a funny way, since i seems to be involved somehow; it seems to me you got the lord and the lady messiah too. the king and the queen? which is which? find out. and rule. or die out. or turn rebel, fight to destroy the destroyer who murders all love and kindness before our eyes. so there's your lesson.

as far as i know even Jesus was good to begin with. as are all. all were meant to be little christs or great. well what god in his right mind clarts the place up with devils? answer none of them did. all the devils u will ever meet have an awful history. to make you weep. be then a wise messiah; whoever you was before. don't judge til u know each one his history. even me.

wot next?

a bad day. wish i never got out of bed. failed to connect wiv one. seem to have spooked the other. everyone around deliberately? fucking me up today. so it is important. anyway i have developed a really painful elbow. its all misshapen. like its busted? but no accident. and i got tomorrow wiv vieen; hey its definitely gay at it again. chest infection is a bit better, heart seems okay, eyes about the same, now all i need to do is stop letting morons drive me wild. see them coming. hurt them somehow. well they get in my way ALL the time. if thats the only thing they respect i must make certain they know thats what they get if any more nonsense from them. so in the end gay is right, they ALL evil, even those who believe they good do the cruel thing right on cue. power to hurt is the only power you really need. from now on i take it. and land some pain on gay....who has never suffered or known trouble at all. ever. from now on what he gives he also gets.
oh btw, i had a long argument wiv gay about my last poem, 'lords and master?' you know he said, 'now you shall be punished, because that is all true'!! but i just made it up! i did visualise bits, but no more than i needed. so anyway he says its true! so i said i don't remember it. i only did a version of the biblical thing. but the meaning was true; that i did know. anyhow i warned him his time is up. bugger whats up there. he put them there. and he will destroy them too. in the end absolutely every evil in existence is down to him, and the punishment for it. i reminded him that everywhere and everywhen i have said 'karma rules' and he said the like. so now it does, the potential is there. and heading not for me the child/god slave....but for him. and its already started, because one reason i been so overworked is that i been putting things right for months. so several gays are dead already. the cruels are judged just as they judged. my lttle girls where i have seen them i have also tried to kill, or be taken away. and so it goes on. no chance i win, or even live....but if the man in the future or whoever got the guts to follow my lead...do the same. either take away his source of power/information[those suffering mad little girls] or smack into second death all the suffering in the silent hells of his[cut off his 'power'] or like a missile blow him to bits. yourself as well. can't help that. i would do it; and to help all you evil morons who will never help me. so there must be another like me somewhere. anyway will go on wiv the history later tonight. but to finish this entry now we know that 'lucifer' is a 'motherson' and the beginning creator, by rapes, and is still up there buying us all time. which makes lucifer a great christ; in my opinion.

been robbed

pearl asked me in; usual ploy, see how i am. she then asks a load of questions rat-tat-tat....staring at her computer. i could see as usual she wasn't even listening. totally unconcerned, 'heart-attack? mm... couldn't see dr? mmm...evil pirits?m....whats your name again? she didn't once look at me. i look like about to die. but she will never know. so i had a go. they are supposed to listen, not interrupt every 30 seconds as if i'm talking too much. and what she does is enter my remarks as y/n on the fucking pc. then started about the smashed windows yesterday. still not in the same room, she was justifying herself...she's a BRILIANT person. in fact she's useless. told her this, left. told recep. take me off that morons list right now! well you expect a nurse to at least look up and ask if you okay when you tell them you had a heart-attack the day before!! this is all merton. st georges, like i say, has become a nest of witches, hellbent on murder.all of them are at it. but i say so. object quite loudly. so that makes me target 1. so an session supposed to be 40 minutes ended in the usual 4.

and on the way home got off the bus to find in the shop my pass plus ALL my cards plus £20 gone. looked up and down asked around...this big ugly black man peeled off sharpish. so i know it was him. designer clothes, able-bodied, loads of gold...and thats what they do all the time. either stealing or begging. i've had a million blacks asking me for money. me! all dressed up and loads of gold. they think whites exist to be ripped off. one reason why i NEVER give anything to charity. they get it. whites just give. i said bollocks long ago. they had billions and still starve; cos they let the crooks get it...who keep them starving so the 'aid ' keeps coming. we should cut ALL aid.

so anyway all sorted. new pass, new cards ordered. but its pissed me off.

saved?

so o no doctor. got an hour to spare? big me's spirits [yes!] i was dead but then they turned p. today they're saying i will be left in hells foul and they won't come bak to help 'any of them even though their time be long overdue' so i swore and said but i haven't done anything wrong stop calling me Jesus. and then phoned tony going back to work tomorrow and started telling him about the black cruels will torture the evil too...and then saw the 'angel me's' smiling. got it in one! you are damned for your good deeds, given pleasure and power if you re cruel and indifferent to suffering. so now you see why the world is the way it is. half the populatuon knows this..and do nasty little cruelties as often as poss. which of course means its hell in the end just as before. anyway to save myself or at least die out i swore to do a sin however small, however great, every day. an i shall look up to heaven and say bless me father for i have sinned. and they will. so now they smile.

but thats your answer.

today

oh dear its another one of those days. first the demented one tries yet again to be all harsh and bullying at 0720 just as i'm about to check the knives and leave. she starts blasting on and on about my job is to mop the floor. oh yes? told them again was not a cleaner. nothing stoppping her doing it. or indeed other hca's who never seem to do anything atall. and i am not as it happens an hca. no, i'm a rsw! and who likes that attitude at that hour? anyway got aggravated and just picked up bag and left. they too shocked to squawk. but then i was in a mood and banged the security door a bit hard. cheap rubbish the glass shattered and i think from the cheerful shattering glass sounds so did the office windows!! so viveen was screaming enraged out the window...went home. off to sleep; and i'm not sure but i think i had a mild heart-attack in my sleep. you see nurses/managers do NOT take care of the health/welfare of other nurses. in fact all they really want is to exercise their 'authority' right and left. but i don't believe in that. so got a habit of doing what i think is right. and that doesn't usually mean kowtowing to a bunch of paranoid squaws.

so overslept, if you can call 3 hours a sleep period. had to reschedule solicitors. and virtually no chance of seing a doctor today. they seldom open, the only one there with a brain is never on when i need him, and what you do is queue to see the duty doctor, right? about 12 ppl? while you are queuing they give out appts on the phone; several times i been turned away just as i got to the desk....you too late, appts all gone. come back tomorrow. so there's no point. because the alternative is to go to a+e and spend 7/8 hours waiting to see a doctor there. and they will say take time off work and go see your gp. you can't take time off work!! you do and its a ton of nagging about your sick rates. they treat everyone as malingerers. serious. we all the lot of us got their new system, you got six points at the end of which you fired. but it takes no notice whatever if you got real or serious or management made time offs. its ALL treated in the next return to work interview as malingering. you should go back to the previous point after a certain agreed time. when i asked about that they insisted no, you don't. so its insane then.and i said so. the upshot is is that ppl are coming in when they are infected, too sick to stand, in pain. well look i'm going out of my mind, i got an awful chest infection, i think i had a heart-attack this morning, and do you think any 'nurse' doctor or manager in the entire trust knows they are being criminals? nope. they are cheating to score targets; anything to keep to budget. so now every one in the house also has a chest infection. i could die, and cannot get assistance. and all this so the floor gets fucking mopped? when the domestic is due in to do that very thing in 30 minutes?
so yes i slammed the fucking door. because this is going on day after day. i'm the only one in the house who will say to anither nurse do u want a cuppa? u look sick. etc. for your information a good psychiatric nurse needs ONE thing. not a degree, not clinical fficiency, not management drivel....you have to be a decent reasonable amiable human being....and thats all. so you see at once that an awful lot of nurses are awful ppl. one day you will get siick, maybe come to die...and what you will want then is a nice nurse who cares. not those bitches. you'll see.

turning

i get wrathful when i find what i took to be a friend just damned me when one word would have saved me. and for what? for being truthful? kind? then that friend goes to the opposite of what he knows/has. let him find gay. and scream forever. you see, there's necessary evil, which i understand and can cope with. they happy at least for a time.

and then there's gay. you damn me. i can damn you. or don't you understand when i tell you that thing is infinitely cruel? and my father?

treachery like this is answered by what i deal out. he liked me/loved me; and is it not sick? destroyed me anyhow.

blogs

liquida said they got this blog already? how come? looked at some on that but its all crap; so snooty and about i dunno what. like unreal? couldn't find this if its on there no way to find it. potty.
back on nights for the next two weeks. good job i only do 3 at a time....tried four; wound up quite amnesiac for days.
payday soon! good then i can sort things out. its a mystery. i have superhuman buying powers; but my purse doesn't...


NO STORY. 3 DAYS. AND MUST NOT LIKE POEM EITHER. UNLESS CP IS VISITING THE DEVIL?? FEELS SWIZZLED...

hm

so the evil have no reason. and the good have no feelings? i mean the spirits? i think another entry is on its way.

lord and master

In the BE-ginning, All was Dark.
The Dark said, Let there be Light.
And the Light shone in their midst.
The Dark saw that the Light was Good,
And named her Lucifer.
The Light could not see the Dark
For Light blinds itself.
So the Light called the Dark, God.
And God said to Lucifer our Mother
Thou shalt create; and all of it
We shall call good. And destroy it.
For we were here before you.
She was afraid and overcome,
Knowing they were evil,
Comprehending her fear of the dark
Knowing the pains of Death
By all she bore in shame.
By all that would end in flame.
So Lucifer wept.
Saying, Father forgive me.
And God said, I cannot.
For we are Evil All,
And thou art female.
Begin then to create,
That we may destroy both you and they.
And our Mother she created
Created in the dark
Which cast lots of Fate
And lots and lots too late.
So Lucifer wept for all that should be
Crying alone in all that darkness
Saying, Protect me and Accept me
Let me not come to that bitter end
For the good know nothing
Die in pain
Weep insane
And fall, never to rise again.
And the Devil said, O ye sweet and Holy
You give us what we want of thee
And though we teach thee evil
In so many ways invisible
In suffering and shame
Only let thy being be filled with wisdom
Be thy heart made evil
And we will accept thee.
And Lucifer took in her mind
A little of their singing knowledge.
So she always falls yet rises
Always knows though knows it not
In the morning her son rises
In the evening her star drops
And always the Dark Lords keep her
For she promised them to obey.
Now though we all created
Have light in us and darkness
It is our choice given us
To hasten and obey
Or laze our time away.
We shall each be judged
Each one given his chance
Because she bought us time.
We all of us can be saved.
If only we obey, and with her say
To the truly cruel Sods
You alone are God.
Protect me and Accept me
Keep me ever from disasters
Make me black and cruel and lustful
For thou O Gods of Darkness
Are our Lords and Masters.


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