ewww..

How perfectly horrible! all the google ads on this thing are religionists! What have I to do with them? I have left them. I am a Graduate, I know all the Gods, and if you see I have one my special friend! I do feel quite cross. What would I want with those idiots?

I found a Jewish poetry site; and there was this one 'sex' so I looked at that because it seems to be a subject keeps cropping up and I don't know what they think about it. This bloke telling us he was taught all about anal sex as a kid with all these other boys by someone like a rabbi but it begins with M? couldn't believe my eyes! They;re quite cool about it. Notice no ladies present or they might have heard other views. You know I became RC when I was 24. Yes I was crazy about Jesus for donkeys years. But no-one talked about anything like that. You can't talk about sex with priests or monks for the very good reason they take it either as an invitation or you are being evil; which is always your fault. And it is fact that most catholic girls get some big surprises all the way through life because the Church SAYS women are okay but anything at all is a question and it is ALWAYS the fault of the women and the women got to do this be that or think so and so. In fact I thank all the Gods I never became a nun. It is a false and cruel religion. So you know the Jewish outlook if I don't exactly approve of teaching little boys this stuff well its a lot more realistic. So maybe I ought to write to the Pope who needs saving more than anyone else on Earth and tell him to convert to Judaism pronto and take all those nasty priests etcwith him? Because then at least they wouldn't be guilty of hypocrisy as all the lot of them are right now. So ones education is really a lifelong thing, whether you like it or not. And what I have learned is this; If your religion won't change, and you do, its because you growing up. So leave the bloody religion and go find out.

But A Clue remains; the Jewish religion site? its supposed to be a poetry site? Where were the poems? If someone or a group still produce their own fresh insights in poetry, music etc then thats live...if not then you got a dying formulistic load of crappy rules hiding power mad perves.

Anyhow another good day at work. I do like working with TJ; my idea of a nearly perfect nurse. Our bad boy pt got aggressiveagain today. I had to get between him and our very small 'child' pt in case he got hurt. Judging by the glaring at me for an hour afterwards my turn next. I think I got to give this bugger a talking to; subject ; STOP.

My psalm to strange God.

It was the real beginning
Of all this remembering true history
And my terrible place in it.
When I was brought like a summons to the Birmingham Museum.
I was 15 and knew nothing
A few weird memories, a thing for religion
A scatty peasant girl, intent for to be a Hippie.
O a rebel, not a good woman.
So we stood and looked on the statue.
I never saw anything like that.
But that weeks swain saw it different.
I thought he was blind. He went, stupid man.
It was huge, a great bronze, of Satan falling from grace
Satan snatching, a hard hostile thief
Falling into corruption, falling into his place.
His great wings raised, all of it like lightning.
Its power, beauty, the sheer skill
Fascinated me. Yet I went, too young perhaps.
But a year layer returned, intent on seeing that.
I looked for a mark; C. ROBINSON. It should say 'Michaelangelo'
Quiet for a Saturday. No-one there.
Went looking to have a fag somewhere obscure;
Prayed what sin did that wondrous being do;
That beautiful angry Angel?
I noticed a dark blue curtain, hiding a darkened room.
Popped in there, to smoke and inspect exhibits
That sort of girl, always dropping in unexpected.
Usually it was boys or big holes in the road.
But this time I dropped in on God.
It was a very big room, dark but lit by spotlights.
First I looked in a cabinet.
A small, battered, dark gray circlet.
'A type of Davidic diadem', said the notice,
'Circa 1500 BC, probably original.'
'Found near Jerusalem, 1951.'
I looked at it, O ignorant child, it was iron, not gold.
And saluted old things, ancient kings, all holy and yesterdays news.
Next there were Roman altars. but I passed on
For their religion was contemptible.
Next a huge statue of Dagon.
A seagod by the fins at his feet, looking lost
Its hands broken, held out to receive, misery in the thing.
And then a row of very ancient altars
All circa 3000BC, yet in good nick.
I'd not known of these, so I looked my interest
On ideas of human sacrifice and was Molech
That burner of children somehow the basis
Of that Jehovah in Jerusalem?
They were all sandstone, squared. Ancient.
With little curved knobs at each apex.
Some had small pillars in front.
I not knowing why held my hand over each one.
Why I don't know; but even then I was being directed.
And one stopped, near the end. Shocking power
Rose invisible and steady from it.
I felt it twice, thrice. No mistake. It was live.
I knew something was there after all that time.
So I sat beside and waited. And saw absolutely nothing
The whole time I talked with the being who I felt sat there behind, above
I don't know. But I saw nothing. The only God
I never saw right away, as for years now I have
Was this being, ancient, quiet, lonely.
But a tiny voice, silvery, spoke in my head and chest
Ringing, quite clear, two voices yet one.
And, a pattern I seem to be prone to, I argued with him.
Who are you? I am God. No you ain't. Yes I am. [etc]
Why do you look on Dagon? Do you like him better?
Well he looks bit grumpy, so I reckon not.
Anyway what do you want? Please don't do that.
Oh I got to. Its called smoking, either I smoke or I swear.
I see. But what do you want?
To know what you are. And what do you want?
Well keep the noseyparkers away till I had this fag.
Here if you're God, what happened to King David?
Him? oh, he died. Do you covet that crown?
Not exactly. But no-one knows how he gets a son
To come back, what with everyone being dead, you see.
Perhaps you covet to be a king, a ruler?
Hm, well no. Unless I can be a Hippie type king.
In that case I put it in you, to keep it for me.
Okay, said I, complete idiot, I'll pass it on to the regular man
When he comes. Why can't I see you?
Because I am invisible. Perhaps I am unpleasing.
Well how do I know you ain't the Devil?
You don't. What happened to that Angel?
Oh I sent him away. He was a mistake.
He has got a very hard face, maybe you should have been nice to him?
So you like my statue? I never ever, ever type never
Saw such a wonderful statue. Its the work
I declared with real sincerity, of an absolute Master!
[And I still think so, too]. I made it you know.
This is when we really rowled. I insisted
That a man made the thing he said no it was him.
Then we argued about the name; he said its a hobby
Then he blew me away. He said he made the room!
Worse, especially for me; and got all the exhibits!
He asked me if I envied the Angel or the statuemaker?
We managed to get mad at each other for an hour.
O dear strange God, I am sorry.
What a perfect brat to go about annoying God.
He said, I made all that matter, and yes I argued
About science and all that when we paused
I suppose we'd run out of breath; and he laughed instead.
So I grew crafty. I suddenly asked him for prophecy.
And demanded all of it! [cos I had him down
As a little God, with not much to give, so I needed the lot]
'Why? what prophet shall you be?
Oh I want to win the lottery and be rich!
Which, a filthy rich or a clean prophet?
Oh filthy rich. I promise to give it back.
[Secretly planning to keep it and win lotteries
and pass exams forever; and yes deep down
I wanted to be a God too. What a cow.]
Then he said, but you may never come back.
So we also argued about that. Idiot girl.
I said he must be forgiving if I came back in 50 years!
Because I was determined to return next day
Just to win the argument. And as I got to my last fag
I suddenly wanted to know his name.
Another rowl. He said his name was 'L'.
In my tiny world that was daft, and of course
Being me I gladly said so. He then asked me
Can you bear it, all that sight? oh yes,
Being filthy rich is dead easy. But then, he said,
You could become God. Is that what you really want?
Now it was. But I had the grace to say
If I do I shall be a Hippie type God, just long enough to fix things.
A Hippie? That's very strange.
Oh its us Hippies will save the world. Hippies are great!
We got real music. Its called pop! And we love trees too.
It sounds quite wonderful, said strange God.
So I thought of singing him a pop song
But couldn't remember how they went
Since my mind suddenly filled with these old hymns instead.
God that was frustrating.
One day said strange God, you shall see me.
The only one who ever really will.
I said, [ghastly kid, no really], I still think you got a silly name God.
And you said, perhaps. But not at all like yours.


Donkeys years later I remembered. I tried to get back
Several times, some faint homing instinct. But never did.
So true is your word, O strange God.
All those years meeting Gods, recalling the frightful histories,
Seeing and seeing, broken over and over again.
But I did fight the good fight, telling them all
What I knew; over and over, making them see
The difference between right and wrong.
So give those sweeties half a chance and well..
Better off dead strange God. I didn't half hit them.
And finally got back, there to find
There was no statue ever. No room could be there
Beyond that wall is the street. No floors of that kind in all history
Never mind Birmingham in 1968...
Afraid at last, seeing of my idiocy, my terrible pride
I lay on the floor and cried.
Oh I wept a bucketful; but also for you,
Whyever didn't you strike me dead?
It would have been fair it would have been right
And so I cried all night. Quite loudly, as women do.
Well there's not a single God out there
Who will ever forget what I said. Or the bang on his head
As I said it. Several times each.
Because I remembered in stages...well its a lot
So sometimes I'd kiss it better, then recall something more
and go kick arse in a temper, just as before.
And did I have to be quite so psychedelic in my choice of language ?
So except for you my strange God
I have no friend in all creation.
So now I have remembered it all.
And its not really any of them you know
No its not really their fault at all.
But I don't think we're speaking.
Even though my language is now pitying and friendly.
And oh, I think the king turned up as well
But he's mental; only you can heal him
Poor soul. He's in for an helluva shock.
And so are you; my strange God.
All the Gods humanshaped being queer as weasels
It should be a good party, anyway.
Oh years and years of anguish
They destroy me the evil every night
Yet every morning I rise strong; and so we go on.


And you came and fetched me, I begged you to take it away
Being mortal and afraid of it, being broken with all I know.
And you did what you knew to do; and I urged you also
And now I know what I have to do
And be your clean prophet true; as was your will in the first place
O my strange God.

O let me tell the perfect truth to all who will listen
Keep me away from evil and corruption
Like the pure in heart I see God, always.
Make my words not be clumsy,
For my life is worthless till I do this
Teach the truth I know, and show them you
Accepting of me, my strange God,
And therefore accepting of them, all so injured
Not one sound in his bones, they are all crucified.
The Gods cannot know save I tell it.
The lessers will not see they are driven mad
Till they are given this medicine and comforted.
How shall all these lost men; children male and female
Know that you O strange God, like them. You like them!
How shall anyone know what is coming, and fight the dragon
Unless I tell them? Lend me grace to say truly what is good.
For I must be, and in this hymn I begin,
Thy truthspeller, the foreteller, the Godknower I be
For I know and see and trust in thee.
For Heaven and sanity and salvation and Third History
Begin with this, begin with thee my strange God.


O I see you all the time, always with me
You keep me from sin; though sometimes we have to dodge
And this now is what I feel about my strange God.
You are the helper I never knew
You are gentle and good and true
You have sweet wise eyes, that are blue and yet dark with wisdom.
You are the God of surprise.
I tracked down your name in scriptures
Well after 45 years it was a bit past high time
And there it was. EL. ELOHIM. EL SHADDAI.
Its you, isn't it? you could not be more pleasing, dear.
I remember bits now of the war of the Angels.
Wish I had a few of them now!
And I know you have kept your promise
O forgiver of horrible children, you do not despise girls.
I know at last that I am therewith you
In your holy and secret dwelling, your strange Angel
Walking with you amongst the firestones,
O help me at my task!
Don't let me turn coward and run
Or laze my days in the sun
Lest I miss the hour and destroy everyone!
Guide me to the Ark and help me go!
We gaze speechless upon each other
I float like a bright spark in your infinite mind
Yet you are not frightening. Stay with me!
At my end, let me see your beautiful eyes
Don't let me ever offend you!
Make my mouth and my mind clean
As befits a woman who sees God.
You are Wisdom, and therefore holy, therefore God.
You know what is pity, which is Good.
And so I love you, most dear strange God.
Friend, kind helper, forgiver of fools,
And you can laugh! what more can I ask of you
My ancient and lonely strange God.
My Lord and Commander, sweet Captain
Even my true Friend, ELOHIM. The LORD GOD.

questions.

Gay looked on me; but first he knelt. why? then he turned himself ino that filthy clowns face; said to me; 'I am the Devil, i am female, and I am evil.' yes, Gay is utterly evil. But evil, in itself is only that cruelty which gets ghastly pleasure in destroying innocence, beauty, right things. He has all that. I have none. So he is the evil one. But why female? Gay has hated anything feminine since forever, just because it might gentle him. So thats a lie? Strange this; because Gay absolutely NEVER lies to me. Everyone else never hears the truth; they even start asking, getting too close, he destroys them. All. Even those evil who believe just like the silliest 'saint' that he will be nice to them forever. In fact Gay is infinitely cruel. All come to the same atrocious end; if you can call everlasting life with that thing an 'end'. because he will never let them die or sleep or stop; but doubles their agony at every resistance. Which is why his 'heaven' is absolutely silent. In the far future I can hear their pain walking around talking; 'scrit-scree! scrit-scree!' and further on in time I cannot even go near, its unbearable even from the relative safety of earth back here in the deep past. Absolute nightmare. And all of them who suffer are what he calls the good. Because Gay said in that terrible pre-existence place the the good are the truly evil. So they suffer because of 1. false goodness 2. because they hate evil, and are cruel to the evil. who Gay says are the truly good; because they love evil which =him, and obey him in all things. So because they are this inside out good Gay brings them to a suffering more awful than the 'good' . Actually Gay damned everyone in that place. We are all damned; none are saved, there is no salvation. Except to turn to Anat-Anatta and leave. Now. Or perhaps Anatta knows how to fight. We certainly do after m.o.y. with that thing in charge. It was Gay who invented war. Which is why I try to hold him off. He made me the poor child Adversary. Anyhow he will not lie to me. But tempts me always to a life 'holy' a death 'holy' because he can control my mind I do not remember what he is. So why that? 'i am female'? UNLESS WE ARE LYING ABOUT OURSELVES/EACH OTHER?
Because I don't lie either; a seriously stupid habit when faced with such a thing. Look. I was not God then; and in all my lives being good 'Gods' they all end in disaster. You cannot be perfectly good unless you reduce yourself to a machine; cut off the ideas of what is good to something almost its antithesis; certainly not in Hell which is where we all are. So a girl says that. Male? No, look at me! Good? WHAT IS GOOD? In Hell? Good gets you agony of mind forever. So its not 'good' at all but suicide.

What happened there? That whoosh was sort of 'power' but i think thats when i was innoculated; so evil will not stay in my heart. Oh i can hate/lie/be enraged; and when i do get like that the Gods stand it they have to because i'm quite dangerous then, So why not fly into an wrath and kill him? I don't know. I don't get it. These spirits that bully me wiv their utterly irrational 'judgement' ARE ME. They say I am the Devil. Yet if we were saying the truth about each other then the 'Devil' is good=evil in Gay's sight. And obviously there is no light but hellfire in him. The fact is Gay 'buys' ppl. And I was enslaved long long ago. And they think God is nice. Why because they only know me, Allah, Zion a few others who run the shop more or less out of a sense of duty. But they have the real power; all that is his dupe gets the powers of God. His, mine I don't know.

All night raging sexual desire. I know its only the zippos. But someone soon will cop the lot! Annoying that ppl notice; why can't I hide it? And why the hell at work or in the middle f bloody tesco's??

remembering

13.05.1992.

Well?

Our eyes, blue sweet heaven! catch and hold
The hour is tense, our dreamings ache, the room is dim-
His great sex livens, mine in secret readies me,
In silent hope pleasure breathes - but the chance is slim.

O beautiful you! that silvery sweetcap hair
Your dear clear eyes, blue heaven smiling there-
That manly frame, and manly laugh, this gentle heart
Beating slow; we beating in twain fear, the rythym soft and clear.

In nights' hot ensabled wings shall we lie
Enchanted, know in perfum'd embrace the quiet peace
Of lovers tryst met; once made no more
To dream the fever'd dreams of yearned for bliss?

He stumbles to me, dearest Vernon, slow and shy and all uncertain,
As in sleep, close to me - but O! that hag Anxiety
Hath blinded me! Was this so close a threat, or worse -
A cruel and dreadful hard dismissal curst?

All befogged, O dazzled by this sudden treasure
I turn away! - the tide it turns, and dies the moments measure.
Alone to grope blankly to some dreary room
Wondering if perchance chance will come again, and when?

O weeks and weeks of bright-eye'd nitwit guile
[In vain shall lovers tread the pace of the dignified]
Crashes in injur'd heaps of discovered female wiles.
My proud knight all cold, indifferent; i savour the empty air; I the fool who didn't dare!

All night I watch the idiot stars, the gibbous moon
Squeaking faintly in their endless orbit, this night never ending.
This empty air, this cold bed, that vacant chair- because my Vernon doesn't care.
Or why not pounce and drag me laughing to his lair?

Fools that we are! Nows the hour to mend the rift
To heal the hurt and forgive the swift stab
Of my lovers' clumsy parting! God, I want him-
Does he want me? All night the moon and me adrift in mutual pity.

Hear now the wisdom of immortal Innocence!
-the world around is all made new-
Light cascading on the leaves, falls in rivers through the trees
In emerald armour the grassy spears unfurling
All the beasts in silence watching, all the birds in drifts a-swirling
Over all our Mother Earth, the seasons magically turning-
And each little Eden a couch for Loves' bright touch
All our lives lived for all this sweet much
To crown and make immortal each head that bows.

Dear brave Vernon, forever defending great rights,
Or righting global wrongs - but your fingers are chalk'd and dry
And dry the knowledge in your eye;
Your heart's all blocked with damn fool conventions-
And so am I! O let your lips thirst for me!

O seize this rare, this treasure, this very gleam
Of very heaven! Forget your harness and your station
Your pride in place, or wealth, or nation;
With me this day a poem bless and fashion!


Know you not that Virtue's other story
[for virtue walks arm'd, but with a glowing heart]
Is to sip from my white and blameless breasts
The song, the light, the colours,- and the glory?

Or shall it be that sweet blue heaven only smiles
Never to greet Hope's pale lips with fiery bliss-
But smiling on , O kindly blindly smiling;
Unseeing of your heart's terrible a-dying?


xxxx

that was a very nice man. i don't think he ever really recovered. gods bless v.g.

effing cicero

finished it. well skimmed vast tracts on civic duty, cozening false support by bribes + good acting. all of it sort of wrong because its directed, a successful life [civic, fame, wealth,]= a wise life? i dunno. christians lap it up, but none of this is virtue proper. which should be self won, ready for hardship, stress, something evil on u? yes? and in times of ease only directed to be modest? moderate? thats wot i think anyway. so wot shall virtue be founded on? for the Greeks and Romans patrotic /civic life. For religionists they think to bribe God? but really there is a kind of rigid and sterile structure to these ideas. you know they practically draw diagrms; this virtue depends on that ne, blah blah.
so start from the beginning, as if i were again the chief of a bunch of immigrants who got concepts and must give them a way or rule for being nice to know. why? well i want them to live, be well, decent companions and ready to love. Because Anat-Anatta is like a hive mind? there's no you in there to love me, so to speak. So in Anat there was no speech, no seperate you for me to love and touch and be glad with. so Anat-Anatta divided and thus was us; the you's and the you's. see? so Anat-Anatta wants to know what they-us look like, what they-us is. And found something which turned out to be spacetime but how it got there and why its mostly spiritland except down below where it turns physical on you i don't know; only i think the Anat-Anattas felt it; like a draught? so they-us are mostly intelligence but this was new ideas!

so i think i begin where the idiot religionists think is the end. i know my concepts will go on, mostly in other bits of the place. they will have different lives, different minds. so i need them to remember, to love learning and be fitting their new kind of existences. i do not want ant troubles to afflict them. i want them to be able to live wherever they need to, and always to fit..u wld call it adapt, and above all to remember us, the way back and to enjoy each other and this new existence. right? so i say they need always three; faith, hope and love; which some call charity. yes i suppose the love one feels for children, fathers, lovers all of which is good; but u have to be ready to give and accept even very different things. so the top love is this open to appeal, sensible of need kind of love, which yes is charity. so virtue then starts as these the ground of what it is, what its for, and yet leaves room for all kinds of new existences.
And so a lot of virtues are really a kindly, reasonable, balanced character. no strain. if your idea of virtue is so tough you simply queue for the nearest bonfire then your religion has made you ill.
Some ppl of course are evil; but you see how that started. And everyone hates the evil; so the base state of all living is the opposite; or they would be very popular instead. so that is evidence that all of you began good. even those trained and addicted to evil only do it because of the history of the universe; they know the Gods reward them. they want to live/succeed, exactly like the rest. And over time all of you have become hard, selfish, stupid, cruel, insane of money which is the only real god any of you love round here, even those 'philosophers' who affect to despise money will not starve. And you notice they have no families. So they are putting on a good show. Thats not virtue.
So now yes i will be honest, reasonable, decent, clean, lovimg. But to deprive myself of innocent pleasure because i obey wot must be a bloody daft god is insane. Life has hardship anyway; why add to the burden? i will be an incorrupt official in my work, i will occaisionaly be generous to beggars, but i will be generous a lot more often to those who i love. And i will not play this asinine game of which virtue is best. i will try to have them all, but in modesty keep them hid. And they will be mine, not an act. And wot wisdom is is to know what is best to do or be each moment that fate puts this or that before you. Now what is a wise man? For a start he knows history, and he makes up his mind to be ready for the many trials of life; always knowing that love and faith and hope are what makes him a virtuous man. And yes we learn courage, like them all we learn it. No baby is born so brave! So no worries. You pick n mix, you train yourself, life tests you and behold! you got a virtue.
So wot i says to Kant and his categorical imperative? ought is not an imperative because nobody HAS to obey. 'ought' is what it sounds like, u ought but will u? 99% of the time u ask a bloke that as he's running away. No there are no imperatives, wthout love in all its forms there is no real virtue at all. So stop giving each thingie a name and start being alive in yourselves. And anyway Kant is wellnamed, because like a lot of these 'philosophers' he was a right asshole. So made up my mind.
Thank God now i can think about something else.

on about virtue again

dreamed all night hearty conversations with i dunno Greeks? blokes in frocks anyway. what do i know about virtue? well no-one ever thinks about them. they are carefully classified, adumbrated...but apart from this universal approval how do i know them if someone else got, eg humility? i'll think he's a creep. someone utterly truthful...+ like me telling my worst enemy how to destroy me/my loved ones? not clever is it? so this heavy insistence on virtue; and its unspoken corollary that YOU can 'secretly know you a virtuous saintly type and God of course because if he don't notice you 1. wasted your energy and 2. no-one will ever notice you if he doesn't or something. look at my 3 magic touchstones. they are the cultivation of tolerance, sympathy and an accepting attitude. are they virtues? i dunno but if you a devil and i win against Gay you bloody watch everybody getting all histrionic about them! whereas right now the religionists would cheerfully kill me; the rest [if any] usual unthinking cretins; this isn't what mama taught me as i sat on my potty so it is false and she a crazy...
because they work, whereas it seems to me that training yourself in this virtue or that you are fixing yourself; in both senses of that word. its useful, its a blanket system of secret self approval. but apart from that there's no seperate department of you which is the virtue bit.


like the Roman 'it is sweet and noble to die for your country'...actually 'fatherland' in the latin. is it? death by violence is awful. and they tell this to very young men who are full of their sex juice and therefore slightly mad, too young to know its old men who war but do not fight themselves...and so on it goes. all i'm saying is i got to fathom the thing out. for if you see i just blasted my way out of all self- enslavements religious or otherwise. i know the truth...so i begin again. from reality, as only i can.

the ' moral' heavies' squad..

hm. been reading cicero. almost exactly the same draggy emphasis on moral 'character'[ well all very uptight ppl have the same 'repressed fury' personality so they mean the accepted parameters of behaviour underlying that; so okay lets call it character. ] as all ancient/ medieval and religious authorities i have ever read or heard of. the only two who diverge are wittgenstein and nietzsche. now i must have read nearly all. couldn't plough thru some. namely aristotle and kant. basically i just skimmed thru outlines in those overview txts. i must be the only girl in creation who read aquinas and luther before i was 17! used to always go either to library or church when skipping school. wound up Gee-its-the whizz....but did i know ANY arithmetic? french? nope.
Anyhow Cicero strikes me as earnestly trying to work out what is a good life. then you got greeks various ditto. then you have an avalanche of medieval religious types carefully avoiding the flames; they not only recommend heroic virtues to housewives but you can have a lifeplan only differing from Perfection if you are so picky you got a micrscope!
It seems to me these men never asked well, what is A good life? Its a life with a reasonable amount of pleasure in it, no great trials or dangers requiring heroics, a life where ones decency is something both you, your neighbors and family can rely on in times of stress. Is it not also to be equipped with both the gentle virtues [patience, hunility, kindness] AND the hard virtues [courage, truthfulness, that thing where you bear the burden or penalty of another? wot it called? i forget, anyway thats another hard virtue.
Anyhow he rabbits on; and thats when i saw it. Their idea that if you are moraly perfect that equals wisdom which equals happiness EVEN UNDER ABSOLUTE LOSS AND TORTURE. They seem to think of moral character as being some siut of armour you put on and then its an invariate; whatever happens it is unassailable so it can't change, neither do you so you are therefore perfectly happy; which you will remember equals perfectly wise!

Now I think their ideas of what virtues ARE could bear some analysis. A man in such a state is not happy unless he also happens to be braindead. But i know the terrible finality of religious dogma. you are not allowed to question virtue itself!

Now look at it as descibed by nietzshe. you know he thought all the 'encouraged' virtues as per organised religion were for to keep the church/king in power? so the virtues wre 'slave' virtues; such as obedience to authority? i think he's right, but he was blind to the fact that ALL religious/ideological systems do the same. but its not a 'plot' by one group against another, its not directed by a machievalian secret order. Its just how one individual after another accepts a particular view of the universe and the weight of opinion simply drags all other concommitant concepts/individuals with it. Its because mankind just will not grow up! the rulers find it convenient the their inferiors believe firmly, for example that their justice or rewards will be settled in full after death. so they do not ask for a share NOW. They do not insist on a fair legal system, they will not drag their case before any judge NOW]; mainly because we all know all judges are thick as thieves with coruption and will always find in favour of the money pig of the week. As far as I can see we need to start over; knowing the real universe as it is, lets first find out what is virtue? does it by itself make you perfect, wise, happy, good, and useful to society and your loved ones in peace AND war?? AHA!! You never thought of it like that, did you? In fact take honesty and courage. we all agree these are the two base virtues? but are they inflexible? if my baby is in danger of molech then to save that child i will turn coward, weep, lie, run way from my duties, kill, betray my lover....and in each fr instance what i do is good; and virtue be blowed. And I can't understand why he repeatedly says virtue equals wisdom equals happy. Give these ppl a horse and they'd run up a nostril just to get to the other end and roar apothegms out its arse.

Look a virtue is a habit of self control which is sparked by the interpretation of the circumstances. If any habit becomes inflexible yes it will end in the flames. it is contrary to reality; which sets a certain demand on all alive? Adapt and survive?? yes that one. Another thing; a happy life and a good life are not identical. a perfectly good man was born into slavery. his woman scorned him. the flossies overcharged. his baby died in his arms of the measles. he starves because the pay is too low. he goes blind. he has nasty neighbors. the council tax rolls over year ater year; he MUST pay it, but he can't ever pay it off; so he continues to starve and yet is in continuous ever increasing debt....you get the idea? he is perfectly moral; got innumerable virtues. but he's not wise enough to turn rebel, admit the world/life he got stinks...do you see he's not happy or wise and DEFINITELY some god don't like him?

so the three states not equivalent. In fact I think Nietzshe is right; we need to stop building vast intricate hallowed systems of morals/ethic/virtues. I say start from examining what are virtues. are they flexible, who is the beneficiary? and then descibe what is a good life for each group. men, women, children, at work, in government, military, etc...we might be surprised. but don't forget the spiritlands..you equip yourself for that now. oh and from Socrates on they all say the best thing to do all your life is prepare for death!!
Sure if you know when and HOW you will die. In fact very few ppl can die in even peace unless they're uncs, never mind dignity. what a waste of your life/mind, trying to get ready for something you have no idea about!!


CICERO ET AL ARE BARMY....

YIN + YANG

YIN + YANG.


Shouts like yobs, tattoos gross
Rolls of belly like lard falling out
Boozy, such pushy sexy, hairy, smelly
Or deliberately prim, glaring; in bowler and suit
Or from out a black burka, evil tramps.
Nasty things have women become-
Take your freedom! But they take the wrong one!

Look how they take sex! sweaty, chesty,
Scratchy and slappy and banging on top
Or buggering about with the doorknobs...
This is not passion, not ardent they;
Nothing like that is love done to a man
The men pretend hugely
That they're not being sick below stairs...

Puzzled, I ask the Universe
Hey what gives? What's wrong
With these heart-shattering drabs?
And that Great Sigil, the yin and the yang, slowly appears...
See its a circle containing two blobs?
The white the oppressor of the dark-
Yet both contain a core of the other
Pondering I see it spin
Slowly, gently; now one atop, now the other-
Finally I see it with a great laugh of truth
IT IS AN EGG!
IT IS THE UNIVERSE!
O IT IS THE LAW!
They are tiny embryos swimming
Close lovers in their prison
But it is their egg from which they shall hatch
And lo! it seems huge
For once upon a time i have come and asked...

And they changing, cease to fight for space
But step out, free them both or neither
The male o! what a beauty! The female, o! what a beauty!
Their arms linked, their hair scattered with stars
Tall, sweet, brilliant and smiling
The man, courage, genius, skill, o beautiful sex!!
HE IS VITAL!
The woman, gentle, merciful, full of concepts, o beautiful sex!!
SHE IS CRUCIAL!
And they are gleaming, gorgeous, fragrant...
These the gods, do they kick?
No, twin pillars of life and mind are they..
Look! the gods, male and female - why..
They smile and they kiss....


xxxxxx

yin + yang

working on a new one; yin and yang. will enter this pm, time to sort out banks etc. as for my attempts to communicate with Anat-Anatta; slowly changing inside. i expected something dramatic. but i think i'm being equipped or rebuilt or something....gods only know wots happening. but tonite i try again; double the dose. but something is already going on. this pm concentrate on storyboard. 8 films? i think the latest one [canadian soldiers] is the easiest / cheapest/ essentially simple to do; so i go for that first. need to research a few facts first. that one won't need the big studio workup; i reckon a small outfit and some newbie actors, there's hardly any sets, could do it. so we see. my pay right down again. must remember to phone payroll; between them and bank charges [ferocious!] i got fuck all. and its payday!! assholes.

wonder if cp still drops in? hey cp, tell me wot u think of yin+yang???? your story still good!! i read it every day.

update

at 0900 am this morning took 4 zips and 3 quets, slept like the dead til about an hour ago. if anything happened i was unaware, feel weak not strong so it looks like nothing. will try again soon.

what now?

so on the night of my last entry i prayed all day etc straight to Anattas. And i felt a tiny change, like a key turning a tiny lock deep within. then i took about three times the normal meds [even zips] and hoped someting would happen. but i just slept heavily; nothing tp report. but then last night i was on night duty and while i was watching tv something happened. it was like a great black soft duvet wrapped all round me and then slowly dragging me and pushing me down at the same time. instead of realising that this was Anat trying to answer i fought it, just struggled to breathe. silly bitch! so i fought so hard i got out of it. then i realised. gods what a stupid woman. so tonite i have another go. will try with all my strength to put into the they-us mind whats going on here; they-us help now and lose one, or lose them all. so will try to double the meds i took before. and hope to christ Anat-Anattas answer again. i 've got to get my mind into second death and come back armed, wiv memory intact, and Anat knowing all i know of whats coming both for us and the Anattas they-us. Sure! Gay is probably trying to 'conquer' Anat....no escape from him for anyone then. so be it. i try again.

the lady names

sort of a footnote. so this girl kept turning up in the attic and would sit before Gay day after day and whatever he did he couldn't make her evil. she took an awful lot off me. I called her daisybrain because she got very simple under that million year attack, so she must be also a begot but how she came to be with me I don't know. And Kay was a begot cut out of her Fathers belly and kept up above the Orb as his slave she has endured unimaginable horror all alone; she named herself kay. and i of course am Gerry. But somewhere along the line; we are not the same person by the way, just very similar and doing the same job.; we acquired names to remind us wot we were trying to do. So daisybrain wed and said her name was 'freedom in any language' =LIBERTAS. and Kay and me seem to be called VERITAS and CARITAS, but these are really what we aim for; our ideals; and anyway if you meet us you'd have a job telling us apart.

gay

so everyone nearly that was made by the Gt Father was good. The majority of them made by each Dove was good. Even the warped eagles, who only favoured their devil[black]sons made good people. And each of them was biased. The eagles damned the good even when they made them that way. the Doves the opposite; so you see why i'm reconciled and try to be friends with Satan and Yetzoah. to create someone in order to make them suffer forever is infinite cruelty. so you see they are all guilty, but the ideas, the pressure to do it? you all see now who it is. And because long ago he attained infinite power..remember he gets it by torturing spirits, and you are a spirit. So these huge Gods were afraidof him and began this awful game of scheming against the Doves who did the same and the Doves never knew until now that there were more than one Dove. there are 16.
Anyhow you see i've remembered and so because I teach them and they can see my memories and forseeings they all learn. So Gay is the prime cause of evil. And he inflicts on everyone infinite suffering. so you slam into Anat whatever suffering you find that cannot be rescued stopped or repaired. And his power will begin to fade. You get those little girls away from him, feed them let them sleep let them have comfort and finally let them grow up. And if its desperate slam them into Anat; because they are his source and supply of abilities and information. take me away and he will start to fall. Which leaves me on earth holding the black magic and evil spirits out that will destroy it. So my sister Christ Freedom is on her way to raise the dead of the past. Kay holds that thing up above the Orb, she does distract it. And now I have prayed to Anatta. we wait now. We all tremble on the brink.

so you have the history though theres more, but you can work it out now for yourselves. you have the antidote, you know whats wrong, you see where you are and now you really ought to talk to each other[both Gods at all levels and man]. or you get the awful kingdom of God screaming back into the past in an infinite regression into pain an fear..thats Jesus's kingdom I think. that will start when life on earth is stopped. so now do you see why i have to hold? and also be armed and sent? and why I have no futures worth having anyway, if that thing wins? so you see it really is my last life. and his. All you need to know for the last bit for today is that your everso 'holy' lord god and your everso terrible 'devil' are one and the same, And his name is Gay. He murdered all the good gods. just to get you.

two teachings

it occurred to me that i have to leave some way for everyone to climb out of the hells they're all in. now Gay teaches theDynamic Concepts. You know,the kind are the weak so evil blinds them lest they cure cruelty. ? now you see how true that is. and so on all the gentle virtues. anyway it winds up proving only the cruel are really kind and therefore fit to be God. And it blows your mind when you hear it in full. So the Gods all have his 'wisdom' like toxin in their hearts. And that is why they too have been cruel. But there is also the opposite version, which my sister [ Christ even Freedom, she took that name when she wedded her half of Lord Brent] left the attic and taught him. which is much the same but it introduces time and experience and ends that pity overthrows cruelty and the kind heal the blindness of the cruel. Which is why Gay hates and fears those who can pity or love or are just being kind. because you see if everyone had a go now and then these hells would be cured in a week. so now here is my teaching; the antidote [for those who dote on power and cruelty; which is all of you]. I teach here in case the Gods miss it out there because Gay is good at that. So if hey miss it YOU o child of the future, have heard it.

The Magic Touchstones.

LOVE SUM 1.

PITY IS GOOD.

BE KIND


now thats not spelt wrong. it means u try to love anything, even a flower, and thats a start. you practising love. real love, not some bally substance meant to enslave you and you need no hormones for this kind of love. so even the spirits can do it. so as you learn to love more and more you will rise level by level at least inside until you truly love, have time for everyone you meet.

Now none of the Gods created Pity it just happens to happen. but when you let one drop of pity enter your heart no matter how devilish you are no matter what you done that one drop of pity shall turn into an ocean and soothe and destroy that awful cruelty, and you will begin to save yourself. wash your ugliness away. climb up out of hell and stop scheming for power.

And if you are a bit weak, abit of a lesser being [hey don't worry, i'm one of those!] then know that kindness is your real nature. we all have it. if we didn't nothing at all could survive infancy. which is just as true for the gods, or do they forget they also live lives? so this is the easy one. and without it the first will not be quite real and the second take a long time to happen. so now you know. so tuck these magic ideas in your heart. just do them. and one day you shall be a God, and aim to Graduate. this is true. its builtin to the universe. if you learn you rise. also what you give to the universe it gives back; so from now give the universe nice things. and before you know it it won't be hell at all. then you can call it heaven. and also now you know if all else fails you have another home, another Father/Mother. Now begin!

Finally I only got two laws. but they are joined together,

CRUELTY IS FORBIDDEN..+..INFINITE SUFFERING IS FORBIDDEN.



And shout that at Gods til they asks you nicely to stop. which they will when they have learned it. So my name was once hoho or hovis or someting. so now you go off and be happy, have a good time; and remember all goodness just means Being Nice To Know.

i pray today

I survey the hopeful faces of the Eagles
And know they know who they are
What their natures really are.
I look on the white Doves
Who slowly reconcile themselves to the truth
About how they were made by the Eagles
And delberately programmed to fail
And be conceited and selfish.
And i see their timid conversations
As for once they all try talking
As they wonder about Anatta
And who is really the Evil One.
And to their combined surprise its none of them.
And I look with pity on my self
What an awful history
But now its ending.
And I look on all these souls
And lesser gods with the same friendly eye
They had to believe 'evil is the right answer'
Who had any real choice?
And under Gay so it is; but only for him
The rest suffer unimaginably forever
However they selfishly feel like winners now.
Unless someone stops him.
And brings him down.
And that someone is me.
Well aren't I the Messiah, whatever that is?
And a Queen of old,
Who shall like the mother tiger
Turn her claws on that which harms her children?
And aren't I the one
Through whom he did all these things?
And now spent years waking and remembering?
And since from the beginning Gay made me
His opposite, the adversary, the positive/positive
Who always was damned because I could never
Learn evil? like being innoculated?
I heard the deep voices of Anat-Anatta
They said; Anat NOT negative/negative
Anat deny active concept cruelty
We-Us shut the gates
Active concept cruelty another gate
Is-One goes to crumbles.
Anat-Anatta says NO.
Now strange god is with me always
He says his name EL
I suggest to these Gods he be their Governor
And their advisor from now on.
Because it is strange God
Who let me have all his prophecy so I saw it all
And remembered; and it is he
Who has been helper and friend
And it is in his strange but beautful eyes
Great tears of pity welling for me
So he knows pity; which makes the teacher
Of all the lot of you; because thats a graduate
You know.His mind not mine, the greatest of all.

And lo, I've asked them all
To see me as I am, weak and scruffy
And not brood on past wrongs
Which lets face it we all done terrible things
But as their only chance to get out of it.
These my charges, now i've finally
Worked out me sums
And therefore children even concepts
Like me from out of Anat-Anatta
But they didn't know.
So I kneel in desperation
Praying in my heart
Straight to Anattas, for their Angel am I
And also El'S strange angel
for he promised me this
O arm me ! O send me!
All the powers that be in this here/when
Came from you O Anatta
I ask you Anatta to know me
And give me powers that Gay never seen or imagined
Since now I have none; unless you
Count all that nasty black magic
Lest he defeat me all over again.
I think I know what happened
Anat sent me out just a messenger
To find out what was wrong.
And Great Father to send Gay back
But we did not remember
So I was captured and set up
To be captured and damned over and over
O let me destroy that Thing!
For it is a person no more
But the source of this disease cruelty
O arm me! and send me!
You know its time to go!
For you are us, the real Fathers,
Isn't that so?
O arm me! O send me!
And I will go!


And when they see it happening
Then they will know
That Anatta is real, not death...
The Anat-Anattas are their Fathers
And their home.

xxxxx

hello again

look i'm really tired so change the subject for a bit cos dunno aabout u but its getting harder; cos the next bits of history just get worse and worse. so lets rest. mind u just so u know i haven't been idle. well years ago now i oned with father seabreeze. the white dove, though there have been 16 in all. anyhow i'll go on with that later. wot iwas going to say i been telling the gods off something terrible an if they wasn't paying attention they've had some good slaps as well. that does include gt father because of course full of father seabreeze who knew nothing of all this i went for him. anyhow so all the gods have been clued in to my presence for years. and i have taught them like i teach u but wot wiv one thing and another although they now know i will help them they have had quite the most colourfully illustrated history /moral ideas etc lessons since any of them fell out of Anatta, so basically they sit up there in various states of shock and wonder except gt father who seems to be somewot slow in his wits. but anyway they all watch and listen, so u see a real graduate and a proper good god does wot is right even if they have got a few bumps and sore bottoms basically they know wot is wot and for your information they will someday like me and be even grateful. because its for everyone u know. yes the evil as well. well they had not much choice either u know. so anyway i do wot i do.

well now i must lighten your load, make your day in some way. never a good idea to send ones seekers to sleep in case they die of grief on you which is not a good sign.so i dunno lets do something different.

but wot? i will tell you a story. i wish this stupid laptop wld stop vanishing away letters lkie it does. its really an annoyance.

right. the story of the love of the King. Now the Queen in those days did not rule the people in the way that the foriegners think, she knew the traditions, and the gods of those days, and kept the daughters in good health in their birthings. in those days the stones were the gates of their gods and it was the Queen who kept them well. the Queen was never a maid for too long lest the gods be insulted there was always a king but the wise men and the wise women always knew which young man it should be because the people would watch as she went about so naturally as soon as she clapped eyes on this special knight the people would all know before midnight because like every people they all liked a good natter. so the Queen who was not usually that old because in those days you did not hang about when something good come along you never knew if some god might drop something on you so you was very pleased and everyone knew it. Because Queens like a natter as well.
So the young knight what was usually a lusty fellow and good at hunting and running about and generally managing to be somewhat undressed whenever the Queen was around and all that was usually well liked by the people because of having good manners and properly clean about his person well Queens like that would one fine day find himself before the Queen and they would be known to each other by their loving looks and all the people would go off and have a couple of beers. thats the salute of the people. Of course things were likely to be a bit sudden then so if the young man had not bedded the Queen by lights out then obviously he was one of the stupid ones.

so the Queen would be very nice all night and if he lived in the morning he rose wiv the sun and he was the king. now an enemy got all shirty and the wise elders counselled the king he should make himself scarce but being a young king and obviously he was a fighting knight the king got all shirty right back. so the Queen, for niether of them can command the other but must listen to their counsels and decide the proper way which is generally that its\a good idea to take the people away for a while but the king was insulted i expect it was the beer and so the king gathered the knights and off he goes to sort out these incredibly rude enemies.

so the bad news comes back by this really fast boy he runs in and alls lost! the king he lives but a load of knights just found the gods and the people rise up and scream their fear. the Queen is all the people have to talk wiv the gods. she is their mother or if a bit long in the tooth then their nan. well anyway this Queen is young and tender of heart. so she loves the king and the people listen to her telling hem what she thinks is right and so beautiful is she in her grief the people are roused in their anger. for after this is also their king, and they known the boy for years. so they march with everyone armed to the teeth, and the Queen sends the roots of the people the other way. i mean those daughters wiv child, the young and the old.and wiv them one wise one, to keep alive their ways so you see the people knew quite well that this is what love does, it rescues their good lord, they love their Queen and rise with her.

so they march right fast in the night despite the bad weather and at the dawn the Queen at the side of her King flings into battle and all are killed and so the rest of the people run away but for ever after they sing great songs of the lovers and the gods hear them. and so they do their god miracles and so these two in those dark places of death find each other and such is the power of their kiss the gods respectfully give them heaven and so they join them the gods and go on looking after the people there. for that is what love is, it goes on. and to the people all this belongs.

print it! don't let him keep u ignorant!

so second history began ages ago. and then when the great civilsations ut there was all of them destroyedgay went back but this time he did it alone. and he must have cut out of the poor dead fathers a great chunk of theirselves. carried them away and brought them back. by the way the dead don't rot there so you can go back and they still lie where they fell. but a bit dusty. and as i have said they are all like electric? so he just switched them on. cos now he'd got the power and the knowledge to do it. so these poor dears didn't know much except whatever he done to them sent them crckers. he didn't tell them who they were, just that he was god and evil and they have got to do the same be nice only to devils and they do this because if they don't he will destroy them. so those black sea-eagles out there now? yes they are the real gods but haven''t the slightest idea that gay isn't. so they obey him. slaves too. innit mad? but thats the gods for you. never like finding out you been had. so they only help love andrewardthe truly evil who are of course their worst enemies who will eventually eat them. but they didn't know that.never mind they just found out. specs they're thinking hard about this ame as you. we'll see if the truth sets them free as well.

now you see how vast is my age. you don't yet know the power that sleeps in me. but i digress. anyway the fag shops open now. will finish a bit more tonight. lates again. isn't it a drag? work work work. still its good for you. a man needs work. but i need my fags. be steadfast, come back and learn your lessons. otherwise you have no hope at all.

keep going 3or maybe its 4 i forget

so about this business man needs to go back and be a predator. hah! you sound just like gay. he likesyou, doesn't he? because you see what gay is? YES of ourse he is. so you want to be like him? i specs u do. its true the predators are top of the foodchain/pecking order. yes man has a killing instinct. of course. even gods and angels etc have that, never mind devils and all the wot have u. but allowed to take charge of a man and you get your murderers. allowed to take over a society..nazi germany, war in general, crime. so again you see how gay traps you? is not a man a man because he can read and write stories and poems and music? and a real man goes and falls in love whenever the happy event shall occur, which i don't know many tigers or bears can do any of them things and thats that. so now what do you answer me? these are the truths, i don't need tp prety up and call it a sermon. i tell you grow up. thats it. ancient kind of goodness and the only one to have survived gays constant meddling as he has done wiv the rest because of course i'm older than he is so now you see why i'm better than Jesus? i tell the truth, and now its obviouss even to you that i do.

keep going.

now a saint is a particularly noxious little crawlarse who thinks they are superior and want to be well in wiv god, who they believe will be extremely nice to them. they teach others even how to do it. so they all get et completely which is why you never see them again. and they gave up every pleasure to do it. so a saint is a chump. and thats that. don't try to be a saint you're here because you're men so stay that way. but be better, nicer, and more wise. going back to savagery and caves and rape and cannibalism is definitely going another wrong way. and you know that too. go on admit it! you cross the road rather than walk into a gang of ugly violent yobs? so does every true human. because they are vile and feral. so you don't like them why do u want to be one of thm? the honest answer is you don't.

We are all trapped because Gay has driven into our minds both desires which result in cruelty and 'good' ideals or religions which do the same thing. He is both you see. God AND the Devil. We must make out our own way/understanding/ideals. AND recognise that we must not fall back into his traps AND that we are weak, lowly, we don't know..

again a lesson.

and each religion is at war wiv every other, and all of them kill as easily as a dog craps. and all of them despise hate and enslave women. then you wonder why you got lousy sex lives? look at the way you treat women. are they happy, secure etc. because if they are not they will uncsly retaliate by being as horrible in bed as possible. and can u blame them? and anyway women have no girlgods to teach them or lead them or advocate for them. so you see all the religions gay allows are cruel. so learn to despise those adults who swallow religious lies and will kill to maintain their fantasy. you see everywhere gay enslaves. his slaves do the same. now you know these truths its time you grew up; and you know it. so anyhow what else? yes each religion has this fatal turn in it. they try to aim at being holy and so they hate sex, pleasure in general. now how daft is that? by definition all came from god, they are what makes life worth liveing, and there's fuck all wrong withem. so forget that 'sacrifice and be holy cobblers, enjoy your body, lve your loves. take [nicely!] the pleasure of life. now you know whats out there is tedious ot frightening and bloody sexless i'm sure you will give up that nonsense immideiately and never worry your head about it again.

the singing has stopped

so about religion. why does man, and not only man, but all the worlds, have so many religions? can't you guess? there's almost no food out there. those wars and the general nastiness of gay's slaves have turned the spiritlands in to so many deserts. what was once green and smiling is now wasres of sand and rocks. they have eas but because of their interference all that seems like a sea is really a way to go into lower realities. so u can't atually swim, you do you just fall into somewhere, you never know where because of the quadrillion cube. so they eat souls, which they see as white stuff, which is what we call love etc down here. so the gods have their religions to get the faithful to come to them, each one labelled dinner. then they send the sirit n its way back to the lifers here having forgotten they will do it all over again, Jesus even told you that. the harvest, the sheep, the fish? and you never cotoned on, because he told you truths but in parables. otherwise known as riddles. or lies. so the 'good gods' you know about every one f them does it. yes they give you moral codes. baby nes. or do you really think a grown man has to be told not to steal, murder, lie? you see thats perfectly obvious. you didn't need a bloody great god to tell you that. your mum could have said that and probably. so you see the gods have kept you enslaved and all the while been making you morons. prayer works if you really got that gods attention but all it is a converstion. you start getting mysterious nice felings, run! thats the start of 'union' you want to be et by gay? so stop. turn around and grow up. because you undertand that you are whats left of the gods/angels etc. so you are beginning to realise that a ot of this is YOUR history. because the fathers made whom they made and no-ones been made since. so you're all the same people over and over again. which is why neither your religions nor your lives teach you anything. they take your memory and now you see why. its cruelty. and farming. you are food. like animals. so now you see why you shd treat animals nicely. you are their exact brothers. aren't you?

last thing!

i just thought! the religionists who are all slaves of evil but think they are thoroughly decent will complain abou all my teaching of history and try to get it wiped! so now i charge you whoever you are, to print the lot right away and save it. you will need it all. so shall your children and all the futures. need it desperately. so get it safe and learn!

'holiness'

i don't know where gay got the idea of holy. do you see how he used it to destroy? and in fact now u begin to see who's creature Jesus was, telling men to be holy like god. perfect, when the gods can't do that so how shall man? u see he is evil now? taken a while but now u begin to see Jesus. you don't think so? 'let my enemies be torn to pieces before me' cast them [the chosen, thats me, some othe decent gods, and probably lots of jew!] into outer darkness....ringing any bells? Jesus is the son that seeth what the father does and does the same.
and what is holy? its helium gas, the saintly are so full they are globular. its a black gas out there but they are blind and can't see the truth. HEL.I.UM. so here we think white but there the seeing see black. so holiness without truth is evil. you might know when i just told you its gays idea. now i stop i'm tired. this is the truth and i know you scared but its going to get a ot worse.its time you was a man. knowing truth, no more silly myths, is what will do that. but i'm tired, so many typoes. time to sleep. hold your soul ready, there is more. be brave o man or woman of the future. holdfast, don't run away half taught, u need it all.

the lesson

so now o man in the future u see how gay turn all to evil which iscruelty. these girlgods he is even now tempting you to despise were gods daughters, as much as the ords were his sons, and without them being gentle and loving and joyful and inspiring of sexual love the gods would miss the good life, and their hearts began to die. so the spirits from then became less and less capable of feeling. became insane about rules and discipline, its quite unhealthy and these [laces and gods are nmiserable and dark, so now you see how we all need those girlgods. your lovers/mothers? and gay knew this, which i why he did it. now i in wisdom do offer you my white and good advice, go back to the past and raise them up. the girlgods who you will need so much more than you know. and leave whatever filthy religin you're in that does thses things, or tells men to be perfectly holy when man is half animal and so cannot. u understand now that thses are signs that gays false religion it is. so leave it and never go back. this is the truth, you don't need religion anymore. as you read this your mind will grow up.

in memoriam

so no-one ever saw a real girl god. i know how they begged and tried tp presuade, one even said gay was leading them all wrong. but the one i remember best impressed even Gay. she fought for life in a series of speeches. she guessed! she knew itwas something to do wiv me, and that i must be from some future so far off they'd never guessed so early you could come and go from the future so they never guessed its an impossible guess. and yet that lady god did it. she looked on me as they sawed at her neck 'u will repent! u will repent! oh have mercy in your day! don't you know this is heaven?' and then she was dead. a brave and brilliant woan. a girlgod. beautiful things. and so the gods did their best to enjoy being lonely forever, saying we are holy. because gay said so.

part 2

so we were standing in these halls waiting for the father to descend. we all thought it was just one father, but in fact there were seven. so when we went n ansaw him dead like coal pl panicked. of course i killed them. but on several levels at once its complicated. gay turned to me as the esser gods were in anguish and smiled saying 'who killed cock robin?' if they had heard that nursery rhyme they would have known who. it was him. so they not knowing that Gt Father still lived in their panic depended on gays sly advice. and none of them ever noticed me. though i was the only kid in that time and i spoke so strangely. so gay told them he was dead, that they were alone now and must be proper gods and do things that proper gods shd do. and gay told them women were vile and evil and violent and sexual animals. you are the gods, said gay, you must be holy. that means utterly chaste forever. so kill these vile things, even these lady gods. for they will lead you into sin. and so they id, very cruelly. there were no trials. i was asked as an inncent which ones shd die. so i said leave the lowly ones for servants, but all the could and would enjoy and endow their lovers with sex beautiful. so they did, the lords killed them all. their lovers, like them children of the father whose concept was love.

kay

now the fathers were coming down with their begots already forming within them. gay destroyed so horribly all but one. he dug her out of a athers belly i dunno which one and murdered the son her brother before my eyes. then he took kay up and up, to that nasty house place up above us all. and there she had to grow up, alone with that thing as he really is. fighting for life, sanity, to be let alone to live in all that awful fear. she has orange concepts in her eyes and blonde/blue with blue and white robes. and yet we are very connected, even though for all these billions of year i never knew she existed, never mind up there. those orange patterns tell you she is a true begot the only part of the fathers to survive. and she named herself kay, and is the true god [actually she isn't but she's all we have] and captive also to gay just like me, so gays the real god.
he made hr mke so may realities. which he then got her to fill wiv repulsive beings, and he taught them, so all of them are devils. then he got to make the quadrillion cube, whic is like a hypercube but it looks like a great swiss cheese and it controls the realities below like a slowly turning chinese puzzle box. so gay uses that too. last big thing she dud she encased everything that is his empire in a great weblike thing so its called the orb, after its shape. and it is absolutely huge.and we're all in it. both of them. a permanent nightmare, now you know it. isn't it?

part one

he trained me with great violence to turn myself at his command to a great shining white thing with baby blue eyes. and i am to kill whatever e says is evil. so thats me when i'm the angel of death as gay made me. its a baby. he says its evil she flashes like lightening and kills whatever evil it is. so back in time then we went both the lower and the high, and as the fathers were coming down to their creations i struck each one dead at gays command, believing what he said that they wereevil because they were black and like great fierce birds. now how very stupid. judging by appearnce. but you see children do that. the first to die was beauty. gay hates beauty, its always the first thing he takes. next was goodness. then your father, love. and so all the rest. now here gay and me did it over 5 /6 weeks. but to them it was all in the same instant. and also to gt father, who only found out wot it was a few weeks ago when i remembered and told him. so thts how the fathers died and all alive began to find hell everywhere in their lives.

wot become of the fathers

so this is going to break me a bit, bear wiv me this part is hard. in the attic u know gay ruined my mind, filled me wiv forseeing or something he done. all places and times murdering me over and over. i must not struggle or protest or cry out. or he doubles the pain. he went up and up, taking over every level aboe. to do it hesaid you sacrifice a chist, for the rules of evil demand this. so of course i was and a child, and as you see i'm not evil at all. so it worked. but who set up these evil rules? well he did! so why do it again? well only he knows. these places up there were sandy, lonely high up. and there every day in each one he would kill me. a crucifixion here, slit me throat there once he done a live gralloching. at first wotever gods was native there would watch. then protest [he killed those] and finally run away before we got there. its that bad.
there was a place with 12 neutron stars oerhead in a row. to me they looked like radioactive iron spheres. gay threw the13ne away, cos it was misshapen. and that was when he got to do timetravel proper.
which i don't think they were for actually. i dunno wot they for. but anyhow thats how he did eeything else. killed the gods yes every one.

first history

gay took me in just after the death ofGod. no-one knew there was another, Great Father sitting up there, alone and grieving, not understanding what happened to all his sons. so these the next orders of gods settled down and started to build these great civilisations. yes! in the spiritlands. and everywhere something like England is now. fertile and green amd sunny and flowers and wines, waters, books everything. but not tv as far as i know. i dunno why seeings how they ARE electric or similar, but no spritland got that far with tech stuff. so what did Gay do? well of ourse he got all involved in their quarrels and started wars and executing viciously executing each other. and these were the gods!
so after a very long time all those civilisations were destroyed and Gay of course took every opportunity to increase his power enslave whom he would, knowing as they did not what would become of them these his friends in evil. and so it went on for centuries. and his chief weapon is that little girl. she's the one he uses her wiv that black magic it works cos i am God so it must. but i'm a slave too; just as much as you.

the first march

i'd climbed out of First Place and all i found was like outer space. now spirit outer space is just like yours in many ways except you can walk, be naural and build there. the spiritlands probably ARE in your universe. certainly dark matter/dark energy sound interesting. so all i did was try to hide and go to sleep. Gay must have stayed back there for 1000 years. but there was nothing i could do. i had no power to go to futures and who was there to ask for help? and i knew nothing of Anatta because Gay taught me to fear 'death' more than him. quite the wrong thing. so while i slept Anatta sent Great Father in. Now gt Father is huge, a huge sea-eagle. so he's armed with powers and might, not to mention a good set of talons. so i think now Anatta meant him to kill Gay, but then he didn't he also had forgotten Anatta! so Gay watched him and saw he would create out of himself. so then he found me and woke me. and we went together into one of the Holy Creations like eggs, of the Fathers. But i was blind in my mind and could not remember what was before, so we went along. the Gods are dead! this terrible crying everywhere. And I could not understand that God was dead in his beginning, nor knew about the others, and never reflected that Gat was doing it and hewas therefore evil. and the Devil.

about the futures

yes you can see futures from the spirit lands. they exit as potentials. all you do, if you get the power, is fly as fast as you can in the highest realm you can reach. if you go that way [left] its he past. if you go that way [right] its the future. and prophecy which i had so much off it broke[i got it from strange god] is just lifting in your mind so you are above that you want to see and then look ahead. but we the gods can handle that. you can't. even i begged strange god to taake it back. one big reason is becausethe futures as they stand now are so fucking terrible you feel like killing yourself and your loved ones as soon as you see it. if you think about it ppl often feel they know something in advance and thats a. prophecy and b. futures existing. and anyway how would probability or quantum dynamics work if futures didn't?

so Gay explored it all looking for weak points. and found the earth. and the 21 century. with three or more of its main religions expecting a 'messiah' and then he noticed that the weight of the ppls expectations had caused the thing to be. he saw the child Gerry born their 'messiah'and that of course is me. so he determined that it was here he would use the double me that I aam to destroy everything.

keep going

i think the possible futures are letting me know they will exist wiv all this singing. anyway Gays not around so i carry on. they need to know this stuff even more than man does. so Gay reurned and for years tortured all of us. now if you torture a spirit its pain and fear leak up like smoke. bit like electicity? so gay learned to harness and use that; he actually called it 'power', and now you see why, and that all Gays power comes from the suffering of others, and if you go round getting power thats what it is, its your agny far into the future.

Then one day he was gone. no-one knew where. once he'd gone though it took a while people felt better, were nicer to me. i began to have a little freedom. but something terible was coming; like a thunderstorm. So I know now what Gay did. He found a way to get out of First Place and fly into the futures. all of them. somehow he got that power over time and place and all that. so it must be from me, mustn't it?

anyhow one day he was back. he stared at me wiv his awful eyes. he said we will go for a walk. then we went out, into the streets and beyond the town and right to the foot of the mountain.
And I was trying desperately to grow a bit older. I knew as a child I had no chance. at first it began, but then he stopped me around 13 years old. I knew then everything and everyone was in terrible trouble.
so as i stood before him, he knelt and looked up at me. then he stood and unstantly flared into a huge brown round face like a clown; utterly disgusting. and something whooshed out of him like a electricity. it was all Gays old goodness. thats how i became the double positive? his opposite.

he looking on me says; i am the devil and female and evil'
i looking on him still all in white says; ' i am God, a male and i am good.'
i bargained wiv him to stay and be guided because i didn't know how to be God and i was afraid. now wasn't that stupid?
so i turned away and climbed the mountain all the way up into the universe. Fisrt Place is sunk in space i suppose we'd got it the wrong way up aand never knew. and never remembered any of it ever.

untitled

the testing is about to begin again so have to stop. lets hope i get through it.

my first being murdered.

us? well at first i never noticed. the other gods one by one just went off somewhere, according to Gay they went off here or there. we all lived quite a distance from each other. so i believed him. then he called on me to discuss the Godthing. and i drank the cup he gave me. and of course it was poison. now where did he get it? because there were no poisons in First Place. and as the cup rolled on the ground i knew the others were all dead, that this thing was insane, that something terrible had begun. i said to him, but i would have forgiven you. he said, i know. thats why i hate you. so as i died i tried to tell him to go to be healed in Anatta but i couldn't say it, only think it. 'a state which is a place'..then this black stuff poured out of my mouth and i was dead. yet now i see he looked on my sex and also cut out a piece of me. thats all i remember.

the turn

now Gay to look at in those days was oddly elderly; yet i know this was the eginning and that he was young. so he must have started all those perversions...which in is case is always driving the helpless insane etc. but he was white hir, silvery glow, white robes. but as he progressed in my enslavent the castle turned black and he developed two or three nasty companions. wore black leathers. and one day we all went to the village. AND gays men beat up the man, raped and destroyed the woman whilst their children screamed the people too shocked they just stood and stared til then nothing like that had ever happened. they just threw up anran away. but i saw Gays face, the cruelty , the terrible pleasure he has in it he discovered that day. and his hair face skin began to darken then. but what were the gods doing. well me the child captive didn't know there were any. and me the chief god never knew about the new girl mystery because Gay never told them. so for ages Gay snatched all he could,and then chained me and went away we never knew why. but suddenly one day we knnew the gods were dead. we knew that Gay had done it. the fear was terrible.

on the seashore

i honestly don't know how or why the next thing happened. suddenly i was walking on the beach. and i knew nothing whatever. i just assumed i'd always been there. after a bit a good lady found me and took me into her cottage and i lived with that family for sometime. then she told me that God had noticed a new person. later they said his servants had come round asking questions, and they said i could go to another house. so if you see the little people were already getting afraid of Gay. anyway so i did. but then one day the man of the house came running in wiv the good news that God was passing by that very day! so we all rushed out to see God pass by; and of course it was Gay and of course he saw instantly that i was new. he beckoned me to join him in his carriage. now when i saw him i could see he was tired and unhappy and somehow jaded. but i was so pleased at my Gods attention that i got in with him. and i never had any freedom since. for a very long time i lived in that castl pace. all day and most nights he would question me. very occaisionaly we would go out in his carriage. i didn't know anything but i could see the people were afraid and worried. then one day Gay looked at me and said 'you are God'. i was petrified. because then and since the God he keeps leeching is me, a child of around 5 years old. he has never let me grow up. and that was when his thirst for more and more 'secret knowledge' began. the endles experiments, the suffering, the filling of my deep mind wiv black magic.

the beginning of GAY.

now one of the later concepts was a bit eccentric. from his beginning he complained that he had anxiety concerning the light. he said there was too much of it. then he missed every lesson about Anatta. said after a while that he was fearful of Anatta. none knew what was wrong wiv him, but in kindness we allowed him to skip from form to form rather than scare him. so Gay never ever went into Anatta, which would have cured him instantly. but we thought when he was older he'd be a bit braver, so we didn't insist. and also from almost the start he refused point blank to ever be female, and niether would he talk to them. but again this is just awkward adolescense, so you see when he just killed the lot of us there was no-one more surprised than us. but how did he turn all weird like he did?
well now you already guess that i'm different fom anyone you ever met and so now i introduce my later self into my history.

next bit.

so it was like your reality 2. both spirit and physical, since it never occurred to us to seperate them. now as these our children grew up they were given more responsibilities; like milk monitors? so the place had some things you'd call animals, buildings and things. but there was one big castley thing on a crag; the dwelling of the most senior concept. but the idea was that whoever got there would get utterly sick of being 'God', which they did because as every woman knows living with kids who keep asking for things and talking baby is really BORING.so 'God' was meant to realise he was superflous and GIVE IT UP. why because theres Anatta and us...what do you need to be God for? and several such adolescents did in fact see the joke was a final exam. they resigned and in due course we'd welcome them among us.

oi! be clean in your minds!

and no we did not do anything. you forget we was both male and female? we just stood in a row and thought about pleasure and for good measure the little fat one sang about how we honoured Anat. so keep your minds clean, also your lips me hearties. i ain't called Nan for nothing. you get vile ideas on what i call nice you won't half get a slap. so be nice, none of this is dirty. it was innocent. think about it. anyhow we set it all up that the concepts would learn and grow. as they went from one level to another their forms changed as their minds did, you'd call it growing up. as for us we were quite small compared to the gods that came after. and we hadn't got round to making ourselves beautiful. so we was alright to look at, something like yourselves. So yes we had powers etc but we was builders and minders and teachers, so thats why Anatta gave us those. anyhow it went very well for a long time, but our mistakes was several. for one thing we went back to our pkaces and got on witth our own lives. one of us invented this music machine we had parties. another one was like your scientists. always figuring out new things. me i was like a magistrate for the concepts and liked a good laugh. thats it. nothing particularly astounding about us.

at the back of beyond

so us 12 Originals steppedout from Anatta and we was like your astronauts. so we figured things out and set about making First Place, i made strange god laugh when i told him how very simple and primitive it was compared to the great creations of Great Father, and the lesser creations of the white doves. [Great Father made seven creations for his seven sons. They are all huge black sea-eagles]. Each son had a concept, like working ideas? their concepts was like orange patterns in their eyes? from left to right, looking up at Great Father they are; GOODNESS. LOVE.[thats the father of this particular creation] TRUTH. COMPASSION. JUSTICE. FAITH. BEAUTY. So you see niether they nor Great Father was evil. As for the doves...well i'll come to them i due course. only be patient. understand i'm tested every night. so i am weak, and have to live as well. so just give me time. we'll get there.
anyway so we all in ones. we made First Place but we curtained ourselves off from our charges. we called the places where we lived[like country estates?] 'the back of beyond' just a joke. and when the seas and the skie was ready we stood in a row and released with great joy our concepts into the sea. like little boys makng rainbows wiv their pee in the sunshine? so did we. it was pretty. also quite nice. and so thats how it all started.

Anatta

maybe i shd explain a bit. see Anat-Anatta is at a deep angle to this space/time thing. in a sense they-us don't exist. nevertheless thats where all us elctromagnetic 'signatures' which is what a mind/spirit IS, came out of it. And Anat includes, theres no seperation. its all negative and dark to our senses, but its peace, knowing no evil, and the instant cure of all suffering. i been in and out of Anatta; whenever they murder me out there i go to Anat; but of course i keep coming back, because like a good angel i have a message for you from Anatta. Its time you stopped Gay, because Anat won't accept him, nor anyone too like him. Anatta will shut the gates; and from then on none of you can die or escape bloody Gay; because Anatta knows Gay will try to conquer that state; and Anat says NO. Gay is doomed now, all he can have is something called 'crumbles'. Beware! The Anattas don't lie anymore than I do. if you will not destroy Gay you will join him. Eternal life with that thing is absolute Hell. But Anatta also knows me. So I can be armed and sent. But its going to be touch and go, because here we are at the end of the world and Gay knows I know.

the lottery

isn't it great? kerry and kids going to hastings tomorrow; and the weather is nice; sunny but cool. hope they have a lovely time. she saved up for a holiday without telling anyone. good girl. never tell the social anything. i just bought me lotto tx. i always know when i'm going to win; get that feeling of excited/knowing. but all i ever win is little ones. i've won wot 10 times so far. but the two biggest was only £25. i feel nothing wotever with my tx this week. so i reckon me theory's up the creek. my theory is dead simple really. i was reading that book chaos? no i can't do maths to save my life but i can follow stacks of concepts, no problemo. so u see how the infinitesimal always repeats in patterns, however low you go the same pattern repeats in every segment.?
the theory you lot are stuck wiv is entropy. but if you look at the universe its all quite organised. things stick together, so you get galaxies, solar systems, the biology of life which again is repeating patterns. you get me? if entropy was the only state you wld never get beyond the initial chaos of the universe. but you see it is more or less predictably oredered. so entropy is the second law. so there must be another law knocking around which is that things, by probability, will occur and recur in patterns. and you can't deny it; because if there wasn't such a law we wouldn't be here, these computers woldnt work, probability itself would be unusable, and there wouldn't and couldn't be a viable mathematics.
and in fact there is one. back in first place me and the other Originals came out of Anatta [Gay taught you all that is Death]. so we explored this here and when state and began to build a viable place for us to live in and give birth to our concepts. one of whom was Gay, unfortunately. so anyhow we needed some way to build it with. and so this law was our cement, put it that way.
so theortically knowing that, the lotto numbeers should show up in patterns little groups that TEND to recur together. you simply look for he group and make a good guess. see it works sort of. i have won ten times. but not the BIG one, so i wonders how to predict all seven. it ought to be possible. its implicit in the theory. will think about it. oh there were 12 of us originals, female and male all in ones cos Anatta hadn't got that quite right yet. my name was hoho?

questions

why do ppl never ask if God is not evil? the answer stares them down. we have predstination. AND reincarnation. AND judgement day? you silly sods a good God would stick to one. its all three
because Gays cruelty is limitless, so nobody escapes suffering because you have to be evil ; because he;'s evil, and thats the right answer. but then you find theres two levels, absolute evil evil, - Gay. everyone else a mixture of evil/good. now Gay says the evil are the truly good. so he destroys them as well, cos good is forbid. so now you know where we are its all hell
ell, even though i got heaven so i was in peace for hours the bastard is at it again, oh and for your information i'm the only positive/positive. so now you see why he picks on me and i have to kill him. or never ever stop suffering. other option, cease to exist.

do i exist?

now the judgements goes on. i was damned when i was conceived, as are all the innocent, and no-one listens or comforts me though i scream in the night gardens. they just said absolute inncence in the presence of absolute evil evil is damnation. and all i remember is millions of years suffering beside Gay. i been in some terrible hells. they show me even worse in the future. just talked to myself who does't exist in the future and she said you have to do wrong to do right in Gays madhouse, and i'm asking to be left in peace, to kill my spirit and be it quick and i know quite well why i'm on earth where i stand on the ground of being and try not to be so frighyened.

thank you

thank you.



Telling Satan he was my betrayer
Because I was about to destroy myself
And destroy Gay in the doing of it
Then Satan said 'I do not love you'
Which really hurt my feelings
So its his fault I went all judgemental
Told Yetzoah the same with more emphasis
Said i just can't trust you.
So I'm leaving your way and your place
Cos you'ere nasty and cruel and wicked
Just like the other ones!
There must be some other way, I insisted
I shall leave and find it alone, set up my own.
And with that marched of in a huff.

Then that bloody testing started
Gay testing me to destruction
He's like a big black vampire bat, an i said.
Because i'm truthful. an he gets on my wick
Putting me out as he does so.
So I asked Satan to in the future
Find someone a friend who might love me
Well there's none in the past, I don't think so
And I asked Yetzoah to guide by hand
Through this terrible riddle an promised to keep my eyes closed.
Holding my hand, cos I can't understand
And cannot properly see. Like a kid blindfold?
And Gay said, why are you waving that sword?
You're going to the kingdom of Heaven.
You're going to the realms of peace.
So I declared I like swords , good design you know
Anyway I never been in a fight so a coward am I
AN if Heaven is full of evil ones then
Obviously I got to bump them all off
The minute I get in.
I expect a lot of battles and rowls.
Why, asks Gay. Because you'll blow up the Earth
And if you do that while I'm sitting on it
Heaven won't be peaceful very long.


So Gay stood me before the gates of Heaven
Trying to see/foresee/remember
Iknew there were forests and gardens and nice
Dwellings and plenty to eat. So it is Heaven!
And cried in despair..O Gay! O No!
You set me up! You pinched it from pilgrims progress
They'll demand a scroll, and a name and a ring
O Gay, I'm your slave; I have nothing.
OGay, why must you be, so terribly evil?
Then I saw a woman at the door and asked for aid
And I called to the watchman on the battlements
'O let me in, I'm evil Idone it wrong all my life
i guessed. Iweptsaying; when the good say charity
they immediately talk on about money.
So I hope, yes I hope , O let my need lend wings to my prayer
That these the evil know that charity iswhat is given
And in charity forgiven? is it given even to the poor?
So Iask you lords of evil, for charity.
Because I never had any.

And Gay looked at me and for the first he looked with pride
I don't know whats going on up there now
All I can do is lie on my couch and weep in rest
My spirits within and some without are singing
Singing peace peace unto thee; you are in the kingdom of heaven.
Im in peace and filled to the crown of my head
and drenched with love to the soles at my feet
This rest, this kiss, of my strange friend, o a kiss from me unto thee
And I know thy name is Charity.

howzat??

blimey sometimes i wonders at myself! no worries about new poems just did one. i'm putting them in the new blue book. pity its a bit sticky[toothpaste!]. and tonight [babysitting plus after that go to work; nights again]...well i shall take my storyboard and have a wonderful time sticking things in that. so anyway i'm putting new one in here. now i've had quite a few in the gazette, but that doesn't really count. ppl say they like them well. on the other hand nobody in their right mind would say anything else. not when i'm that close, anyhow. so if i write it here anyone who wants to can say what they think. is it okay sort of thing? seriously. i want to know. but i think just the one. otherwise who needs to buy the book? so here goes.

The Image Of Man.


Astride their horizon,
Brass legs, bronze greaves,
Spartan. 10 feet tall
Armed wiith wars and razors
Sharp. These all Alexanders.
But its name is Ozymandias.
O masculine, the power of the male.
Little eyes, fat cruel lips
Gaping, clawing for some virgin
Clawing her terrified breasts.
All women are holes in the dark;
remembrebce of mans' image.
Are they not black Talos,
Menace treasure guarding?


Look inside, look inside, O seer
The brains buzz and roar, 'I am God! I am God!'
His loins clutch his bowels, howls 'I am God! I am God!'
But the tears in his heart cry for pity.
The tears in his heart say, 'he is not'.

x

well is it any good? gerry.

poems on tap?

had a call yesterday from publishers. going to try publish a collection of mine in a year or so. she wants 100, stick to roughly 80 lines where poss. so we agreed 50 old and 50 new. idea is to do some that are geared to peoples understanding/acceptability. only costs 600$ and i know e-publishing better; but they offer that as well. so choosing 50 old no problem, there's 200 odd to choose from. but can i do 50 new in time? wot and films? and then there's nvq 3 and ksf and christ only knows wot as well. i reckon too that i have to get that affliate thing going; just waiting for purse to catch up with my buying power and will fund that asap.
just about to instruct solicitor re t-mobile, they're asking for it. which means i advertise for retired telephone engineers who do not love their exemployers next week. ho! you gods! isn't it time you sent me loads of cash? call yourselves princes of bleeding evil and we reconciled why ain't i got any money? bloody evil ones got more bloody rules than the other lot!!
oh. just remembered my system for winning lotto. oh ta, i'll have another go at that on friday. thanks for the memory boys.

the rest of it.

sorry i wept a bit. so my declaration of independence is the same as him. I don't know what is 'Good'. because of Gay none of us have ever seen true goodness. but every spirit that comes out of me seems alright to me, its just that until i knew my entire history and getting back my memory of what happened in the attic i couldn't know what path to take. or anything right about the various gods. so i say the same. STOP YOU BASTARD.
and to these the lesser and the lost, i say something more..all the religions Gay allows have in them cruelty; which is what evil IS. i have no cruelty. i kicked it out of me about 5 year ago. none too politely. i have no decorum.because of being a cockney you know. anyhow my word to all be they great or small is GO! out of hell and misery and confusion. turn rebel. i don't care whetther you think you're good or evil. since Gay tortures ALL. and we are all very small. SO I DON'T LIKE BULLYING AND THATS THAT.

a declaration of independence.

you know a few weeks ago this chap, somehow one half of me died on my kings lap. now that one. wore black robes, blonde hair. quite an athletic fellow. so as he/i died [there's a lot of this stuff going on] he loved the king. then somehow i/me got born with my face in on the kings lap the other side. the left. and i stood. black robes, blonde hair only thinner, slighter build. other things happened and at last i knew the truth of how Gay got a lot of the powers/abilities in that atic. he stole mine. so anyway this chap and me talked for a bit. and this is what he said.

'I am antichrist. for i look into that God they call Father, and know his real nature. and hate him. i am that Son which seeth what the Father doth and will not imitate him. I am the Son which crieth STOP YOU BASTARD. For I am he which looks on these lost in confusion and teacheth them the way out if the prison, for i am that Son which doth burgle Gods many dungeons and saith to those I save, you are brave. And thy would not let me live. Look on my face, and know what is shame.] and i did. but already i think he is gone. Gay came down dragon that he is and ate him. which is what 'mystical union' is.

so i sorrow for this boy. he said he was homosexual and feared women. i counselled him gntly that it is Gay who hates women and taught the gods this. and he said' thou art right, Queen. so i will accept every woman who hath loved a man truly. i am sorry, Queen, that they have suffered so. it was not my doing. so i said yes, you only been born 15 minutes. so you re innocent. Gay destroys any god who might challenge him, whether they be good or evil.

anyway so he's gone. he cried, i shall sing songs holy in the dragons belly. it will get him the bellyache. tell my mother the king; i love him! brother gods, see what this thing IS.' and i was mad all night with the horror of it.

the unkind teacher

14.02.1990


the unkind teacher.


She likes me not! I know what she sees
Dull of eye, dreary of heart, a nullity of vision;
Not acute, but bluntly vulgar and speechless.
In her mind I am a trog, not a bright poet
Only childish, not a living firework of joys!
Harsh she is to me, this judge all unprovoked.
So here I sit, singing tunes of building rage
Ready and waiting for the ear-splitting crash
Of two strong females - niether giving way!!