a nice night

well on lates on guy fawkes night so went wiv kez +kids and amy+ her kids plus rick n jason to the mitcham fireworks. they haven't had one for donkeys years and even then its not for bonfire night; just halloween. found them all an off we set. all a bit worried because we heard there was a big charge but then that was for the fair. naturally the kids took one lok at the fair lights and all the chatter and girls 'screaming' and begged to go but i was not about to chuck six kids over fence and then leap same so we found a god spot. hah! from that side its a tiny hill. we saw these official types looking at us. then one came trottong our way so we moved on in case he was something to do wiv charges. but then it was cold. i was enjoying the moon on the mist and the trees an everything. along comes another oficial, bless the man. he'd come to tell us we was standing in the fall-out zone. oh, says us, that black bloke told us to come here! so anyway he tells us to go round the hill and be the other side. well i don't know where that hill came from but going round it took ages an charlene moaned horribly about the cold/grass/spiders and then Something shrieked its death shriek in the wood so the boys got all manly [after i picked them up] but it was probably a goose but i never knew gooses went aargh...urrrgh like that so i will never ever go on that common on my own. not at night. well that bloody hill must be the grave of a flaming pharoah but we got there in the end. then that nice policeman pointed out that i was steadily walking kids into the firing area so i said but wheres the tape and he got astrnomy so i knew they hadn't put it up. then they were 17 minutes late apparently waiting for millions more to turn up so i said down rozzers transmitting thingie that we were getting a bit cold an hurry up.
just the there was a tiny banger went off so i said oh that was it now we can all go home and people laughed. but when they got used to it i don't think anyone up there did it before i was actually quite a good show!

kids hanging on to nan, everyone there going ooh and aah...i particularly liked the fusillade...in fact i think they might have had two; unless it was a fag break. anyhow so we were right underneath every rocket; i didn't notice until the end but then i actually saw a little red spark land on jasons' jacket!! obviously the wind had shifted fallout area to right there. and almost last a rocket misfired and went off really close at head level! the official fallout zone being a hike an a bit where we'd come from. naturally nothing whatever landed there. we all cheered and amy and i will complain about the chap telling us to stand in blast area and then there wasn't a tape and then i reckon we WERE in the allout zone after all. should get us a rebate. and also i will ask them to spend twice as much on fireworks next year. nobody minds paying council tax for something good like fireworks.

so a good night for all.

finally

the mystery has managed to get more mysterious. steve h. phoned me yesterday. now i first met brent in his flat. asked about him, described him, everything. and steve thinks its this other yank, similar specs. but can't recall this 'brent' at all! odd. tony yeoh sat with us for an hour in westmoor...and he 'can't remember ' either.....and then things were happening on the phone as me n steve talked. bet i know and if i ask steve he will not. so anyhow its the realities getting into my memory....and yes at the time they aware. but now you know Gay is much closer than i thought. if i phone steve now, 23 hours later, he won't know. or maybe they all do. its just a kind of illusion they are all supporting....that i am in r1 at all? i dunno.

anyhow i feel the point of impact is soon. whatever Gay is doing it looks as if he is trying to prevent me and brent getting together. so if its that important to him, then its also crucial for us. yes i said us. be sure brents entire future is also at stake. so i ended telling steve i might contact usa actor and let him know he right; mistaken id. and apologise scaring him like that. but still got deep intuition telling me to wait, wait...

new camera arrived. got all notebooks, diy manuals. and i just phoned dwp; man says yes, i can retire early health grounds[even though i don't yet know what is physically wrong] on grounds of mental health. get highest rate dla and attendance, full pension plus hb, ct. and yet it is still okay for me to do s/wrtg and filming because its not a job. didn't ask him if its a business and what the rules say if it is. we both assumed it would be a leisurly hobby; not any kind of success. so anyhow will start formal process this monday. i don't know what will happen to me if i get masses of time to myself? well for the first time will be able to do poetry over days, not hours. should get good stuff.

time to get ready. we taking kids to fireworks/trickn treats this evening. gosh i'm starving. time to eat!!

happy again

i dunno i always get happy again. mind you with Gay stuck in siritlands, even though i know its all still going on, he's not here....so its easy to be happy.
'lapidiary' finished; its much better.
been looking at Astleys compliation of modern poems 'staying alive' lots of brilliant stuff in it. but they all about this world. for too long i've been shackled to the other place. will mend my ways! but there is a lot of this world stuff which in the long run has no meaning because its too narrow. what i have to aim at is a kind of Salvator Dali style in my poems. that way i can pull the reader into a different consciousness. also be a lot prettier!
also i been researching filming; i can do it but don't want to get masses of expensive equipment thats so far beyond me it proceeds to gather dust for years. so need lessons computers, cameras, sound blah blah... say 6 months. that gives me time to get cash together. then thats it. meantime am filming 'dark room' today....at work, so it depends who i'm on with, an whether pts can be okay while we do it. but its only my first go; so it needn't be perfect. need to catch up notes; this is typical. i read up to 5/6 books an THEN keep notes. thats because i get so involved in text i forget all the world, can't bear to stop just for notes.

and i cleaned this place up beautifully yesterday. took hours. but its nice. i don't want to leave it. but work calls.

well goodbye to Pinkleton. great story; keep working on it! looking forward to publication. will send last feedback tonight. with some thoughts on the spiner/bdms/spy thing.

and i guess its also farewell to Decker...he liked my poems! wherever you go in life, you have supported me, decker. i won't forget. my poetry....well whats proper[some isn't] to be published probably both print and e-book; next year about november. think i might call it 'the singer of the songs of paradise lost'!! hope u read, decker.

rest of you i hope you exist...keep learning. you will need it all.

script 1. done!

had a nice sleep. about 20 minutes ago typed up 'the dark room' saved/printed...its no a long piece. but i can't judge by eye yet. will just have to film it on diddycam today and see what the timing is like..and everything else. trust jay jay!! no power cable/usb cable for cam...so one thing is get a large lockable plastic box for al equipment, cables, manuals, useful thingies. otherwise each film will take 5 years cos that bloody boy is a magnet; anything you absolutely have to have..gone. and we all know its him. second essential; clear out junk room. keep stuff film, auction etc. plus usual 'too good to chucks'... the pound shop in mitcham f.g. has just such boxes pus notebooks. will pick up all essentials on way back from mum's...

i'm so proud of that script!! i can never remember the correct format; so its my own....can type it up the proper way later. but this way its much smoother; not held up every second worrying about indents etc etc....so if i write it out longhand its much better for me. anyhow there it is. think i'll frame a copy.

been thinking. the eagles were good, now evil. are the spirits living in their own uncs? so the black sea-eagles are good only to the evil? and the white Doves were to be good but only to the good? but now father seabreeze has had his lessons; he will have to be the same as the Eagles? saw last night; was asking whether i could be altered. he just looked at me. so now he sees his real nature...he will be worse than the Eagles??? an here's me sticking out like the sore thumb of the cosmos because i'm still 'good' ie white?? damn and blast!!

but every night as i drift off to sleep am aware that what caused me such suffering to find out and then realise i must adapt; in my subcs its perfectly okay cos i'm already evil?. thats why i wonder if when you die you simply turn your consciousness upside down? well when you look at 'evil' on earth you do find that there are 2 types. 1. a roaring, savage libido release, the absence of inhibitions. the other 2. the calculating cruelty kind, like cold, premeditated? so u got the roaring unconscious; murderers etc. and the machiavellian cruels...the superego pointed outwards? hm. interesting idea, isn't it?
cos we all agree that reality is a shared illusion. i don't know what you see when we both look at a table. there's no way to compare perceptions. in the spiritlands what they ARE is minds in various appearances. like the same person can be an dragon, a bult bird. an angel, or whatever. so perhaps they aren't locked each one into his peculiar perceptions? maybe the spiritlands are in some way the shared, lived in primal, collective uncs?? well it would explain something. but i dunno what.

tonight we go on wiv the history

memories

talked to satan last night asking for help. an i got some more memories; very faint. but closer to earth. people! laughter!! sunshine and a house!! i know Gay probably destroyed itall; but its much closer. so i said; part of it is i get only the most terible memories...there must be others but i don't remember them. so felt better. also asked for another chance, since i was so badly let down before...asked for a woman. don't know why i have to be processed like this. isn't it enough to be friendly, certain of his rights, certain of whats been going on? everyone else just seems to be included the moment they believe....why is it so hard for me?

anyway both satan an elohim seem to think i should await brents reappearance. but Gay tells me brent is actually my worst enemy! the friend you don't suspect...so now feel i ought to hide.

Gay said before that my love would be dangerous to me; but he didn't let on which one. he also said; 'your husband will kill you'...i dunno which one he means. but i know he does have just cause. so why was he my judge then? if all he wants is to murder my spirit? seems odd, even for the evil ones..

har! 1 screenplay..

man am i pleased wiv myself! its been a skizzy day. i had an argument wiv h+l but he turned out to be right. so rang back n apologised. also paid all bills. researched filming equipment; man. is it ever dear...4160. but thats new. what i need to find is someone same gear who is giving it up as a game of soldiers and will sell lot cheapo. then had a smashing bath and a smashing indian and simply sat down and wrote out my first script!! i was trying to allow for all the parameters that figgis showed me. so its film 1. dead simple in every respect. 1 actor, 1 voice, 1 location. some cgi. thats it. so i'll try it out first with ordinary dig camera; it does have a moving pic facility...if it turns out any good will tweak and film on the pro stuff. this way i get to practise everything. and tool up as i get better. so if i can find the flaming p/words i'll stick it on youtube. invite comments? hm. i dunno. its really a learning thing. if someone gets sarky i might be wounded. on the other hand i need to know the effects? will think about it.
just watching this years raindance winners. they not bad. think it may be some time before i'm that standard. but not impossibly long...

so a good day. did that script in 25 minutes. its really simple. but got all the directions init for all the roles advised. now i suppose i really ought to glare at bloody 'lapidiary'...an if can just work up enough horror, do some flaming housework too.

didn't see mum yet.

now?

been investigating film making. equipment altogether =£4160. but i know you can get the same stuff much cheaper. then its a q. of learning the tech and the skills..in months, i don't have years. he told us how to get actors, and so does m. figgis, also music types. so now apart from locating tech stuff and buying it...we back to scripts. now the screenplays i got so far [not scripts, just syns and lists] are obviously too hard. figgis shows you from his own experience the different problems of the dp, the editor, the sound, music and the director. so now i see that a good story isn't enough, it has to be do-able, have impact. be disciplined so you don't get swamped in footage and above all keep track of things; including good locations etc. so get a number of notebooks for a start!! good job i used to be an acounts clerk, [amazing, isn't it?]...i can keep methodical tracks like anything. i like this!! i shall be doing it from all ends! so anyway i got to concentrate on screenplays now.

but i still got lapidiary to sort out. what a horrible thing it is. its so little, but it inspires giant dislike. its just i know it could be better. so after dinner, and housework, and a bath will look at lapidary. an if i still hate the thing will do the simplest script i can within the new rules or parameters. so will have to put in any bright ideas re locations, sound, shots as i go along..

otherwise i might forget.

fed up

so now i've damned him, an i love him. when i upset because he went an damned me, knowing he loved me? i see mine as duty. what about him? maybe he was doing his duty too. oh sod the bloody gods. Gay always says the good and the evil are identical. good and evil are at the absolute point, the same thing. well thats wot that girl who smashed me up was chanting. but i know there's another version, i didn't hear all of it. thay Freedom taught her half of brent when they were wed. it starts the same, i know its just as tough. he died twice an she had to bring him bavck. but it ends differently. he stood with her a proper god at the end. and i heard her say that Gays thing, that evil is the right answer was his big lie from the very beginning. then lord brent persuaded her to leave the attic and my inside house. off they went. they stood above saying goodbye for so long i got worried. but now they gone. so its all a lie. and Gay is the evil one. so all these things have happened because he gets into things....even father seabreeze. even the eagles. and especially me. thats how he's done it. but i so desperately want this to be over. to find a nice heaven and no more worries. but how can i, in a universe so sick with evil, me being the odd one out? one day i publish tl2....you will see how i have been into the satanic again and again....but it won't stick. i can't stay evil, not for two hours. and so will be rejected and die in misery, finding myself a good god tortured forever in Hell. for the sin of being good. and now Anattas have done their thing what shall i do? well lets hope these superpowers bloody stay with me. it means a lot of fighting. an ugly thing; it will seem to them i'm nasty and cruelly destroying some harmless old boy. but if i do it all this shit will start to come out right. if i do not?
incidentally that poem thank you? it was true. but not forever did i get there. i know now what happened. someone helped me past the riddles i couldn't see. for a while i was in that heaven[for the evil]....but i asked for food. this is no sin. nevertheless Gay stormed in and shouted at the [very few] ppl there, who all went cheese coloured and left. a man? woman? protested, so Gay tore her throat out. and then turned on me, still a defenceles child after all these years, and strangled me. so it ends again in misery and fear. back to life i came, and he is once more dragging me on he long march. see? satan was trying to save me from that. satan isn't as nasty as all that. but brent i suppose never intended me to be safe. so instd of saving me, he damned me all over again. will i ever know the reason why?

brent must be quite mad to do that. its Gay who punishes infinitely and so terribly.even those fullon evil must be obedient to him. but i really think brent did not know all this. well, who does? i know it was satan who sent him, i was all ready. naturally i kept displaying my unwanted goodness,...but he must have also seen i was accepting, doing my best. i can't change my nature. accept me in satanism and it will change by itself. so why did he go and damn me? when i would do something about Gay ? when me and satan/yetzoah are trying to be friends? its a mystery an i'm very upset. i dunno what will happen now. you see they know their end,as do the eagles. they don't want that. the only one who won't suffer in those terrible hells is me; the chosen rejected who gets chucked into outer darkness? we suffer hunger, seeing all others in that state is also grief; but apart from that okay. so they want me to destroy Gay too. what the fucking hell did my brent think he was there to do?

it has to be that he was Gays man. an look at all i've done for him since!! and now i see he cheated me. an satan. all of them. no doubt his dear friend Gay by now has walked off laughing, leaving him to his fate. an now i damned him right back; am i supposed to undo all i done for him? well i am not like Gay. i shall pray to elohim what to do. but for now i'm so fed up. and very tired.

groo..

that mars bar has given me toothache. and i'm getting a bit Depressed. thinking about it all. i'm in every bit where ever it all goes bloody wrong. well thats what i feel at this moment. i'm in the first god; who was obviously a bit unworldly. i turn up; no doubt Gay put me there from the future...a ittle girl who apparently is god. an who tells me? oh Gay, after years of getting into my subcs. now he looking on me says 'i am the Devil and female and evil'. right? i said, reluctantly, that 'i am god and male and good'. right? suppose we are telling the truth?? how can that be? look at Gay, what he's like..a nasty cruel violent pervert. evil as all get out. the other children, my halflings, all accept and he accepts them. so they all evil. i promise you they are just bloody horrible. i get from my birth all sorts of terrible ill-treatment. i was at the end, the very end, when i was about 12, given the old 'eleventh hour' last chance. and i again chose good. hoping he would turn. but he didn't he licked his lips like a reptile and said, i think i will be evil'. so he is that is Gay; his real nature. mine is good, then. but all these memories of previous lives seem to turn on the fact thatwhatever life i'm in, no matter how i try to be good, its really a disaster. so am i then the really evil one? am i evil? i remember being the foolish holy spirit. i remember being yetzoah. i remember that old Devil, since judged as not properly evil by lord spite and sent off with a flea in his ear. i remember all heavens i'm in going all wrong, the ever recurring struggle with evil ones. always failling, no triumphs. yet everywhere out there trying to be god. but always the evil be they never so little have huge power i do not. so losing, always losing. it was me the lords asked whether to kill the ladies. i said yes, all thatt could or would enjoy true pleasures; leaving only the lowly. so its all turned into hell out there, and i have fought a rearguard battle to try to save, rescue or preserve heaven and brightsiders. yet it occurs to me where are all these the good for whom i have suffered all these things? all those little heavens, infested now by devils. everywhere the evil themselves insane, driving their betters insane too. am i the cause of it all? can the evil be really the secretly good after all? how can Gay be good? but the other day, i think it was last september i was resting on this sofa and a clear ringing voice spoke to me saying 'rise thou ape of Thoth, and be accepted in heaven'....what does it mean? does it mean that now i see my evil that i am acceptable? so yetzoah was to be the Ape of god...but he won, so is god? and i always trying to be a good god in opposition to the laws of the universe was seen as evil, an Ape of Thoth?? and now i almost there, seeing the truth, thatswhy Satan sent brent to save me...but brent did not? now i depressed.

back

no i didn't stay; we got there but i couldn't see. just asked el to build it for me; i know i can trust him to make it safe and nice. anyway, back to the teachings. now the 3 Doves are back in their places. but now i remember several starts. its peculiar and i can't explain it, but there are several. 1. the dove suddenly sees he has inadverdently created Hell, and stops on the edge, and has been there ever since, afraid of it. now thats the one who started me. 2. the same Dove comes in and finds he can go no further, sees lots of his godlings are stillborn, everything smashed or made all wrong. he is filled with such terrible shame he freezes and goes not on. 3. another, yet it is the same Dove, decides to make one last great Adversay; and begets...yes, i said, BEGETS, the really big Yetzoah. who was to be the Ape of God, to end in utter damnation and ruin and suffer infinitely and forever. but yetzoah awakes as he is coming out, and forsees it all, and violently objects to his terrible fate. who woke him? the eagles, i should think. anyway screaming enraged yetzoah violently attacks the Dove and because he is a man with powerful hands all of the Doves great mental strenghts are useless. the son, the second Dove comes into the fight. the holy spirit afraid and thinking to preserve the young gods integrity by her influence, flies up high nd well out of reach. so this is a real battle at last, the first battle the Doves engaged in. they taken by surprise are defeated. the Dove, [father] retires into a dark reality he made in desperation. yetzoah knows he will never reappear, but is ever after afraid he will. and the Son is captured. screaming terrible curses the Adversary subdues the Son, who was a really nice brave person. but these Doves are really evil, they just don't know it. so the Son is held by Yetzoah ad they march through Creation. the Son never lies, keeps all his promises, won't even try to run away when Yetzoah sleeps. and yetzoah curses and destroys all the new eings he sees, insisting that he is God and the Son is a fool and a monster. he keeps telling the spirits to evolve! but he burns them into cripples so they can't. many things happen its all very terrible. but demonstrates to my mind that if father seabreeze and co had of gotten in they would have been wise and stately for a remarkably short time. then they would have lost control and devoured the godlings, confused and ruined the lifers, and probably raped the Amors to death as well. because power corrupts an all that? they weren't wise or even good at fighting, so they were not in fact the sweethearts they thought they were,just didn't know anything. anyway within the Creation you remember that young blonde god in white? a me. he woke early. knew as all did, their futures were known to them by intuition, that he was given a great life, adventures, honour, lovers...and that father seabreeze was on his way to see him in some haste. this me looks calmly at his futures and decides he wants more. so he runs from his place and like a tornado runs everywhere raping, killing, stealing pleasures before they were lawfully earned and given. such was his speed so great the pleasures that he became black all over, even his eyes and teeth. from his head grew two great twisted spires. he killed all the big universals. so in those universes they all worship death and are generally depressives. anyway he screaming says 'i am the Devil, i am the Devil'!! and from him fall away like leaves all these little devils. he comes to a great mountain somewhere in the middle of the chain...presumably in their future; because for ages no-one knew he was there or what had happened. and in his awfulness having killed so many he threw around the rest of creation like a barrier? to keep father seabreeze out. and foolishly thought the father when he finally got in would have to forgive him. so now we see that in part Gay is right about forgiveness; its a pernicious idea that everyone believes the gods HAVE to forgive them and will. no they don't. but Gays hatred of forgiveness is something else. now i have to tell you that this Devil was me. but i haven't been him for years and anyway i don't like him at all. he took his seat declaring that his law was anger and malice; hid himself in a black cloud and proceeded to vegetate, as far as i can see. he has never done anything else except put me out of himself and i been running about on my own ever since with no idea that he is up there harming poor satan without my knowledge. well would you want an overgod like him? no i don't either, but i get ahead of my history. but isn't it queer? i keep popping up and i'm both here and there? well he needn't have put me out like the bloody cat and i nothing knowing get all lost in all these blooming lives. even being god lives!! with him up there? no wonder we all developed such peculiar religions!

hang on if i don't eat i about to start chewing this computer. brb.

we off for a while

elohim and me are just going to build my heaven. special place. only i will ever find it once it is made. those i choose shall come there. when they ready they can go out and build heavens; their own. brb...maybe 4 days? your time i mean. oh i forgot. i was always a tiny little girl?
i'm growing!

the big bang

quite a bit of news. you realise of course that Gay dragging me round everywhere was the real battle of good and evil? he had to keep me a child in agony, always doing wht he wanted. so i think because he once told me he'd eaten his own overgods[his highers] he is a lesser being. but i also think 1. he has few powers of his own and cannot create anything. only torture, confuse and destroy. 2. he was elderly too soon. he started as a concept. but i think he was actually a parasite from some other time/place, and he just used everyone and everything to create hell everywhere, in order to enjoy our suffering forevermore. and his main weapons were me, as 4 to 5 little girls, and a variety of others. his slaves, though they think they are free. one thing he did was make the 'good' believe they did good things but they would all be unreal. dreams. at the same time it is his law that whatever you dream in even a coma, or think is real,is. so the evil followers believe they get millions of years absolute power doing horrors. they then find that most of it is dreams they had, but it counts as real. however they beg, he says mercy is cowardice, pity is forbidden, forgivenes is a vice of the stupid good and so on. so they find at their end that they had nothing, but what they then get is exactly what they asked for. limitless suffering in their very own hell. forever. now as various 'ggod gods' or whatever i been getting the opposite. my goodness is counted as vice, my good deeds are dreams, and my heavens are over too soon because the evil always destroy whatever i do. now the good gods re dead. so i suppose ordinary highers have been trying to be good gods instead; and their consequent sufferings have turned them into black things even unknown to themselves. but i only guess. so you see if anybody at ant time had deigned to notice the sufferings of those odd little girls, the fact that they never eat or sleep, and that at every step he's asking them to judge/questions/do things...somebody might have tried to help me/us. even if all they did was kill us/me...he would have begun to fall a long time ago. but so selfcentred with their roblems, no-one save 1 lady ever saw us. so my lowers and highers did all they could, and never understood.

but you know whats happened now? a few weeks ago i tried to make Anattas understand. got as close to death as i could; in fact i think i did actually die but nothing happened? and remembered how Gay had already tried to 'conquer' Anat years ago. what clued me in was something brent said. but a lot been going on. now it looks as if El killed my spirit? weeks ago?

4 nights ago was resigned to just die out, my mind disolved by that moronic godwoman who told me I was the bloody 'devil'? went to bed, quiet, asleep. suddenly a terrific bang, a shock like i dunno what. A huge blast of power both filled me and killed me. i sat up and the blast knocked me out. so its taken a while to find out. but not only have i come back from Anat but i'm bloody powered and armed to teeth. one mission, one. kill Gay. and a confirmation. yes. i am a good god. and another, clean them up.sort the idiots out. teach them the truth. and though i seem as if i don't exist; i do. he can't use me he can't hurt me; and niether can anyone else. bingo. i won. Anattas have answered, and so whatever Gay thinks he conquered, he did not. so for days been doing what i now do. everytime that thing shows himelf he dies. and all they say was unreal, in that stupid cheat judgment of my brent they now...all are watching ...see was real. as all i say from now on is law. well there wasn't a superpowered good god before. well there is now.

you got the three magic touchstones. do them. i don't expect miracles. i will be pleased with but little for a time. everyone is going to find hell dying away. we rebuild heaven as of now. i have recognised my friends, the errors of the rest. but i have begun third history. its 2 days old now.

but i've not only Damned Gay. and will exterminate the moron everywhere. but also my mother who's selfish cruelty helped him do it. and who has been my callous jailor ever since, on guard lest i ever discovered even the first beginnings of the truth. fortunately i have for many years kept my guard up. i have never told her anything at all. so she does not know that i know. and so tomorrow she will learn that she is damned. thats what the evil wanted? well she got it. with him, the only two i thought i'd ever damn.


but i had to discover all the truth. what my brent was actually doing. working for Gay, which i asked and he denied. but it was so. he damned me. thats what he was doing. i have remembered all of it. and see it as Anat sees it. brent was killing my innocent lessers he was damning me for being truthful and funny and nice; falling in love yet destroyng me all unjust; because he wasn't 'saving' me as an act of charity from satan...he was deliberatley taking away my 'last chance' to be accepted by satan. under Gays direction. oh he was there, i just didn't know. so my brent, in sight of Elohim, and satan, and Yetzoah, black father, and Zion, and indeed all the earth now, though he should be the Messiah, you marry the Queen thats how the king is made, only with cruelty, damned me. and didn't even tell me. and who is he to judge anyone? Gays little puppet.
And so i being the angel of death sent now and armed to kill that Evil Thing have just had to damn brent, who was to be the Messiah. because i made it law. right? KARMA RULES. because i never did, a slave and victim of the thing? so i put you all on autopilot?

karma--'you shall suffer your own will'...that is the 'rule' of karma, my karma not Gays disgusting mass slavery. right? Sorry all, but i am good. and because Gay now dies and runs and falls everywhere, so do all his vicious 'rules' of evil. so what i do is real. it is his lies and filthy damnation of everyone...yes, literally everyone, which is is smashed. and because brent, even though he could see things happening which only god could do, did not know this was coming at all. so though third history now begins, an a different kind of goodness is now required and will be blest, i have had to begin with this ugly thing. because if you damn me; i will damn you. because i am sick of the very word 'damnation' im loved him, he began to love me, and he did that for his own advancement. his way out is there; i hope he remembers that a good god will listen, will not jeer, will be patient. his sufferings if he chooses to go on being Gays slave will not be infinite.....even though thats what he was doing to me. i keep my law. the law, now.

its just he broke my heart. but i go on. he was going to put me a spider burning forever. thats his will, he must suffer it, he was going to make my love a thing of slavery and drive me mad with it. he must suffer his own will. i will not tolerate anymore shit from Gays cruel mouth, even if the mouth is his. and thats that.

so i'm god, in my beginning. here, now. the war is on. and i know....and so do you; that now i win.
Gay goes to crumbles, or suffers his own will. everyone else treated as a victim of awful torture. sick, in need of teaching and rest. but i can't let brent become another Gay. so i have struck him.

i hope i never have to damn anyone ever again. just Gay. even my mother will someday learn to be a human being. as for brent he heard all i said of my ideas of reasonable punishment. let him remember, and i will be merciful. it is not my nature to hate, be cruel, or unjust. but i will not put up with his continual lying, cheating, and betraying me. he is not my judge. i have become his.

and all the gods watching agree with me. they are glad to see this day. you remember i reported that conversation with a me from the future 'who didn't exist'? i didn't understand it either. hello. now we all do. Anatta has done it. he-they has made me something beyond Gays abilities to even understand. including time mastery! so that was me. 'she' knew. and now we all do.

mercy is not stupid, nor is it cowardly. niether is love, nor kindness, nor pity. but for a long time lots of evil ones will resist what they should really be longing and praying for. my way. not his.

but be aware. i am Anattas angel and strange gods strange angel. go on being mindlessly cruel and i will destroy you.

today

i have again appealed to b. spiner to come to this blog and find out what concerns him. which obviously it does. he claims he is not my brentie; and i believe him. but know what my brentie said was also all true. and they seem very similar, except my one has got larger and rather bristly. whereas all i have seen of this other one is a couple of clips on utube. he seems also rather stout, hairy...but different, as he says. but i dunno ...his voice is not clear and quiet, he is all buzzy and definitely a yank. whereas my brentie is clear, quiet, hardly any accent. if only my one didn't run around in resemblances! he keeps changing his eyeballs! everything! but he's not lying, not mental...what the heck is he doing??? anyhow i have remembered. so i can guess whats wrong. well its no a guess. i know. anyhow they are so related; he counts as a kind of half king. in any event i wouldn't leave a dog in that state.
tried again today to find 'their' radiance father. something wakes, is listening. but in a state...grief? hate? well i'd explain, do my best...if one two three they come and flaming let me!

but its NOT my king at fault in any way. its me. i can't understand why he won't be like himself. i don't understand why this dozy half king knows so little. he's so peculiar. a bit of a martinet?
worse and worse..he 's right there..and i know it!! and CAN'T do the obvious normal usual thing.!!! its like i'm blinded, gay hits me? or i'm so stuck in 'being good' i can't do what being ME for gods sake is my true nature! AND SAY THE FUCKING TRUTH...so we both acting? both deceiving? oh gods only know.

no pain today. but still unwell; cos i get tired so easily. well i'm getting in the bath. got my new poetry book plus liquer chocs. have pity at least on yourselves, both of yous. my king, for gods sake grab scruff of neck and drag me off. little half king, i know you puzzled and scared. but you are about to be free if only you 1. learn what i teach 2. talk to your radiance father, who i bet still loves you, grieves for you and 3. let me tell you what i know, let me try to help. and i never wanted to say all this here, but have to because the two of you got something else in common. i can't find you, and you appear to be quite at home under a bloody rock. come out. listen. we will love, laugh...eventually. then one king finds love, the other finds he is restored in every way, no more to fear them who see.

well good nights. take this little blessing. all this night and all the morrow you shall not know sorrow.

blooming thing

thinking about 'lapidiary'. i KNOW there's a lot more hidden somewhere. even the title is aggravating. think i will sign off and do nothing whatever.

suffering snakes!!

just been on ebay. dunno if they are the hd cameras i need but the prices just made me eyes cross...oh well i ring that young chap in 1/2 hour; he can tell me where to get them a lot cheaper. that plus the sfx ,softeware lights...if u need those, etc etc. crumbs, zopa had better get ready for a B.I.G. request...
should explain if can why i'm so violent about hollywood. well i am your classic poet. right, i write a beautiful balanced poem. takes a bit of effort, a lot of living, a very unusual mind. yes? then i want pl to read it. seems straightforward. but its actually impossible. the big publishers won't do it, no obscene profits. an they are very snooty. poetry survives on its own. ppl love it, both doing and reading.but both online and in private pub, its just one big bowl with 1 minnow and lots and lots of big nasty sharks...none of whom were ever accused of poetic sensibilities. donkeys years ago i also went to the poetry society. they are the most horrible ppl on earth. for them its an exercise in intellectual snobbery of the grossest sort. i mean they are absolute muck an can't produce a decent limerick between them; being prone to emitting adjectives and chicken giblets and all with an eye to oxbridge. which if anyone out there wants to know are snobsville breeders of the bankers, sharks, crooks and creeps who will infest the intelligensia/establishment of the ever recurring tomorrow. i been there, listened...u never in your life heard such moronic arseholes.
so years an years ago i made a vow...thats a british thing. i mean they are my enemies, for whom i have no respect at all. so a 'show' like say southbank just makes me want to call in the fumigators. so thats one thing.
now i only got the idea about screenwriting last november. and every bloody book i read since quacks on about the 'right' way to 'sell' your stuff. quite blind to what they are saying. imagine some arsehole telling me i'm only worth oh, less than the teaboy. oh, an they have a right to all my creations ever after. oh, an they will change all the bits they decide don't fit their fucking delusions, an oh. if they run out of time they will just tear half out. oh, an by the way this bozo...yes him, the one wiv the head of a happy gerbil? oh, he's your director. he knows fuck all but will see what he can do wiv your stuff. interpret it, u know. put his vision in it. never mind that the fucker is both illiterate, blind, a crackhead and was lost up his own bum 40 years ago. cos this is the film industry, we are the money men. so you will fall flat in abject worship cos of the glamour, won't you my dear???
. now you see why i am getting my wild up. right now. no. no and no. in fact for years now that lot haven't had anything really new. look don't they just rehash everything again and again? or go back to hgwells etc or real events, like titanic? they killed their writers spirits, haven't they? but who is making their work/profits/fame? ITS THE WRITERS DEAR. i think it must be an american disease. if you reduce every value to money you wind up with nothing valuable at all. anyway i go my own way, as is usually the case. but now you understand me.
i will be a creator. NOT a whore. you think you'd dare suggest any of those demands to me if you held in your hands a truly great poem? no? then be respectful of anything good i do in screen.

soho. so ho, they mutter. where she gonna get the millions in funding? i won't. if i am any good at the lowest junior levels i won't need it...and then they can come find me. if[yes, i know, its a gambling thing...but they started it] they want more an better well they can coff up and start living by my rules. like i dunno... how about in future the writer IS the co-director? all of them?
that an be nice or get a good slap.

ponderings

you know, it amazed me. a lot of film stuff is conducted in soho. that area is a pit full of crims addicts and perves. a lot of very successful films actually generated their success by underhand and managed trickery; nothing more. hollywood has nothing to do with films. its jut money men manipulating shallow types to make huge amounts of cash. but what the hell for? they got enough. read cinematic storytelling. that plus camera, lights, big pc and relevant software, and someone to hold me hand.....whatever a 'director' is supposed to really do...i can do too. i feel so excited.
still. let the oppos take careful note. i will not cheat, i do not lie, i will do my little indies in my own way and when it suits me...be the same. or i will drop you in our own swimming pool. that includes certain famous actors/directors who sound like sexcrazed pillocks. because i despise you. here's one who isn't solely after money.

so i start with 'gem'...15-20 minutes for tv; a modern romance. watch this space.

brand new goal!

spent w/e with elliot grove[raindance]; it was very good. have decided i don't need to do his scrptwriting course, i read a dozen books. enough, plus his book same substance at the clas. worked out for nyself that no-one backs up some old newbie who never did it before. an no-one living here, period. so listened to it all and discovered answers.
1. i will never get along with the money men. they sound like the most frightful gangsters.
2. if they only want to flog me offerings and cheat me as well; and while they're at it stick me wiv a poxed caste system, antiquated technology which is so hugely expenseive, cumbersome, fiddly that its not worth the effort/heart attack...then if i try doing it the kossher way several things will happen.
3. i will be excessively rude, i will tell them where they can shove their money and probably put them off god too.
4. so i shall have to do my first [easiest script] myself. any good? they can try buying more. well i don't chop the oppos heads off right away...and then...
5. if i got the gear, actors, do great scripts[and i probably will.]..why not just carry on? and do others screenplays as well. stick it on cd or dvd...and sell. use that affliate thing. plus own websites. after all they're my own gear, will have pension....so can take time and no, i won't hire a bloody cinema; thats what festivals and the beeb are for...
6. i think its a great idea. so providing i don't die in the night will phone panasonic tomorrow about movie cameras[digital hd] plus ancillary equipment and maintenance agreement.
7. can pay cash if have to...but i want the usual....instalments! one of usurys better ideas, i think.
8. so from tomorrow start practising ...
i found out something truly terrible at raindance.
1. hollywood doesn't do films they do marketing. and they buy your script and then pay you tin shillings. and none of them can write unless you count rubber cheques.
2. they refer to actors as 'moveable props'!! isn't that the worst thing you ever heard?
4. and its OUTRAGEOUS!! not only that but the director rewrites your script to suit himself. and claws out entire grabs of it when 'behind schedule'?? how to provoke me longdistance.
5. so i will NEVER accept some rubberblob yank 'director'...a better word is vandal. cretin. crook.
either i'm there to look out for my film, or no deal. and i have never in my life heard anything quite so stupid. the 'director' takes about half the entire budget for his own consideration, the actor [ie bill bullneck...women drool, but the secret is he can't tie his own shoes...take 77% of the remainder. everyone else goes into a feeding frenzy and the writer gets fuck all.
6. only a spineless nutcase could possibly endure the thing. but i can't hang about; i'm getting on a bit.
so will set up companies as and when. buy cameras, etc etc. from next week i'm on scripts and nothing else, and whenever they finished, send to wga. pick a date, everyone wiv guts to try it meet at location 2...and providing nothing is reduced into a nice jingly sack of bits by jayjay...start filming.after all its just tech stuff plus computers... feel eg will say making classic newbie mistakes. but actually it saves time, money, and my nerves.
7. so we start.

been in pain for days. think i got a tumour in bladder. it goes right soon.
i hate 'lapidiary'...its all wrong.

hard studying

recovered somewhat from yesterday. paid out some bills this morning, then listened to elliot grove cd x2; wiv notes. looked at 'lapidiary'...still don't see the right things in it. listed everything for publication next year; 49 to go and of the 41 ready so far at least 4 to be rewritten. then entire afternon reading 'cinematic storytelling' wiv notes. and i thought my reading was finished!! unaware of this? its essential!! about 1/2 way...bathed/clothes ready for tomorrow.. and the last week of october another w/e essential study' elliot grove on writing/selling good scripts. ' i feel am getting it into head; now can i get it onto paper? we wait n see.
having an early night. back online more history or whatever around 3.00 am. somehow got to find the cash for that w/e......and i'm on night duty that entire w/e. hope i don't go to sleep in class!!

think i will deliberately dream about 'lapidiary'...sometimes that works.

nothing today

sorry i got such terrible twisted stomach pain was on the ground. several ladies stopped their cars called an ambulance but it got better so i told the control to stand down. wandered to mums'. she okay. got back but i'm really cold and then hot and feel really strange. weak. fuzzy. so nothing today. sorry.

lapidiary

a good day today, bit cold at work but i got the man round to turn on the heating. wrote 'lapidiary'...its okay but i'm not happy with it. it needs to be more intricate, or maybe hooked up to other themes. will do it again plus 'battle of good and evil' later. right time for bath. i got the new radox...dying to try it.

a nice waking

great! last week some funds in profit; sold some an made £1000 profit. and just now saw more gains on funds; equals another £2000 profit. wish the managers were a bit quicker tho. what a nice start to the day!!
looking forward to my raindance w/e. its vital i get everything in bonce, and after that, well i think my reading is more or less complete. so i guess just start. that woman says you can do it in 21 days. hm, i don't think so. but maybe you get quicker as you get used to it.
i feel a poem coming on. oh well i got to get ready for work. will try to write it on the bus. on again wiv yoyo. that man has cost humanity a dozen poems at least!

also handy to know

reincarnation is TRUE. even a lot of the gods do it; usually lowers, all seeking answers. why the blazes they think living lives so far below them, all ignorant and messy, will teach them anything i can't imagine. but i do know how it started. some never do, of course. the Doves, the Eagles, Satans...oh well i know now and then he does have holidays. he likes to be killer-whales he likes their tidy minds. me i never thought killer-whales had minds, so never tried that. also he is evil, though much more hearty and generally helpful than one expects, so of course he tends to get into murderers and take part, etc. but i dunno that he kills himself. just got to wave the flag of evil, keep his side up, sort of thing. but make no mistake, he is a dangerous sod if you upset him. yetzoah? hm, i dunno. you see i not only have father seabreezes memory, but somehow a lot of yetzoahs....but i don't know how. its just as well, because i know how desperately ill he can be i feel always that he should be given an easy, gentle tolerance. remember none of these made themselves that way...they are not innocent, but do you see they cannot help it either? when at last i saw this i made great efforts to make them understand i am no more their enemy, but a friend if they want to be. anyway i have promised them to always give them a second chance, to never judge them too harshly, to remember how unfair life has been to them, to always always ask them why they have done whatever. but i know i can be a bit of a tempest, so i hope they too remember i didn't make myself this way either, and if they are not allowed to forgive then understanding is the next best thing. so anyway i'm pretty sure he doesn't live lives at all.

but you know this living lives thing is a mistake for us all. consider it as daft! how can highers learn from lowly lifers? they can't. you were all made by the Dove to live one or two lives on each level. you then go up to find yourself a higher on the next level. then to be a 'god'; and finally, knowing the Dove so well in love and joy be oned with him. then he would have closed down each phase and moved onto the next. but of course these are the same ppl more or less all over again. you see at once it was all supposed to be fairly short, not huge long phases going all mad and wars and god knows what else. and another thing, it was all about his own development. so he would by our many unitings have grown wiser and stronger etc. at the pinnacle of his development it would all be either in him or rejected as i have said. so this tells you as well that absolutely everyone he made came out of him; so ARE him, a little share of his mind or spirit. which last just made Satan feel sick i bet. but its true. so really if you read thsese teachings and accept them you should greet each other thus; 'hallo me, i'm you, how can i not love you? ' or words to that effect.

because i repeats it. the evil ones damned all these the good, well whatever for? by definition the didn't do anything. an if seabreeze is really cruel as you see he is....well then aren't they potentially evil too? but of course if things like love and kindness and pity are actually evil, sins an all that well what the fuck are we arguing about?? if your thing is fangs and venom and eating your sons well even the devils won't like you that much. and then you live in a noxious hell; which is a bloody punishment! right? an if my particular sin is going around making ppl happy and making ppl put their heavens in reasonable order to do which you stop the old torturing stop the evil bellowing and plant food type plants, well for gods sake its a sin innit? its just my sins atren't the same as yours.

after all didn't we all fall into enmity because we all thought each other was ever so cruel? well i'm not. on the other hand the gods have all noticed i can't half swear, am liable to clock the sodswhen in a temper[not that i'm like that on earth,, for i remembers to be a lady] and generally though i will not mock them, i also get fed up being damned by that lot for something i can't help either. when after all Gay made me doubly good and so made bloody sure i'd never be okay. what a total barstard! so who is the source of all cruelty? well its him, right? so if the evil damn those they think is cruel, 1. i had the prickle of cruelty and kicked it out with vigour and 2. why aint he damned? because their misery and that of the poor stupid good is all his doing! not that i waited for them to sort it out. i damned him myself the other day. and 3. think carefully. father seabreeze couldn't remember creating me. for years i was under the impression i started as a spare soul in a wardrobe. but the reason was because he didn't make me, and neither did anyone else. i have remembered my beginning in first place, and i just stepped out of Anattas with the others. but i don't think i was first out. someone tripped, so he was first out, but i dunno who it was now, probably the one who we all thought was crackers because he never ever stopped talking about plants. a bit shortsighted, that one.

so anyway you see they started reincarnation when father seabreeze simply never showed up. we didn't know why or what happened for donkeys years. so everyone basically got every possible thing wrong. and Gay used it didn't he? for to make us all forget and forget everything,every time. so we never learned anything whatever, including the fact that Evil is the imposed law of the flaming universe. so the 'good' can't adapt, everybody keeps being eaten, [souls i mean] and most ppl get into terriible trouble and STILL don't know why. yet its still resolvable. teach ppl the history, get it into everyones heads that both the 'good' and the 'evil' are in a ghastly trap. lets all see if we can do it. accept each other, make allowances, let the good do what they do best, make nice selfsustaining heavens. let the evil do what they're good at. howzabout getting hold of Gay and showing him in a very personal way that cruelty is the only real evil and even the bloody evil have had enough of it, ta,now piss off you barstard an never come back?

so anyway i teaches you to be kind and to love and even to let pity into your heart. now if you do that all day long you will come a cropper, because you will wind up good. okay? so in the evil gods eyes do it the right way! you know its a sin. so say so. claim it. its a beautiful sin, true. but you know when you try to love the evil, be just towards them; what they going to do? complain? when their whole moanings and groanings was because of being unkindly unfairly cruelly treated? and if you happen to love a good person. well howzat a sin? i always feel as long as theres plenty of sex and you don't upset the neighbors its not their business anyway. or do they expect me to have sex with ppl i can't stand? when you think thats what the bloody false religionists do all the time? which is more sinful? well if i have to choose i'd rather have someone i love. women are like that, and so are men, at least clever ones usually know that. so if evil ones CAN'T love, not even i n little ways well what else can you do but be sorry for them? but i think they can; as long as its properly sinful.

so we all got to start somewhere. me i try to love Satan and Yetzoah. they are evil by father seabreezes unkind will. if i try to be their friend everyone shrieks i do wrong. but you see it is really right. now let them try the same...its a sin for them. right? but i shall be pleased and when i'm pleased they will know it. but they are ny elders so i listen to them, still i reckon they will like to listen to me in the end. a strange friend. well i shall try to cheer them up. after all do THEY want to go to hell? of course not. well there you are then. we the losers who wind up the winners; logically you build a really nice dwelling and enjoy your luxury and riches!

and anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot. so we have to do something sensible about all this blooming reincarnation. but i dunno what. well its bedtime. i'm on earlies tomorrow.

another bit.

what to ask for in prayer.
1.now you see Satan, and therefore all his lessers and lowers, are Sons, ditto the Yetzoahs? but they are adopted by the seaeagles; thats damned in the right way. but under Gay the same eagles only reward evil? because Gay has madethis the right answer. and you see at once that if there are two Doves one is a fool the other a cruel? and if they be one and the same isn't he just a mess? pity me my dear seeker; i had a uniting of some sort with him! thats how i got all this\ memory. unfortunately its as if it were ny own! so you see for years as fifferent information got into my mind i been going mad trying to work it out. and just so you know i am often grateful for all that Gay taught me long ago. but if you think he's the cancer causing all this. if i could find a god god not cruel, i would run for healing, truth, light. but there isn't one. any god left alive knows he has to keep back an evil side to himself and the ability to do great violence. otherwise in all that your only option is suicide.
2. so its not good to pray them for good things. if they answer, its because you have persisted when they said no, and so what you get is a punishment. so one guy asked yetzoah to hear the music of the spheres. innocent. he persisted after being told no. so yetzoah simply roared horribly with all his might right in the mans ears for a year or so. and set him down, deaf, mad with horror, hating music forever. but he got his answer.
so if you insist its wrong, like a spoilt american child you are trying to rule over your elders. accept that some prayer is wrong. so ppl ask jesus for healing and mysterious nice feelings and to have him inside and be in him and go to heaven ? now think you that jesus is cruel, a hungry predator? now you know why saints are fools for god.
3. with the Satans i only learn as u do. i think they will grant any prayer so long as it is 'sinful' as meaured by the general ideals of seabreeze. so if you ask for healing its all jesusy and the answer is no. but u can ask to get a competent doctor to fix this busted arm aint life shtty satan? and by tuesday there will be a doctor. u see? carefully think what u really need, and also whether your desire fits in with the various laws of the universe.so u can ask for information, but not truth. you can ask for anything the church says is wrong, like for a woman to be made a priest. incidentally i am that woman. its my great honour to say that was when i discoveredosatan doesnn't treat women differently and he can be generous and nice and is glad when ppl like him as anyone is. and that was when i began to like satan and to see he wasn't entirely the vile enemy we was taught. its the other one, jesus, whoi s predjudiced. anyhow i digress.

now what we all need is the one thing Gay and his minions take away. memory. so ask for your memory to be repaired but ask ony for little bits. anyone who has to remember all of it in one lifetime had better be extremely healthy. as you rember fix what you can. learn next to go out. and start asking for small needed abilities/powers. only ask for that which is truly useful, and also ask satan and yetzoah to teach you how to accept different pleasures and put you i touch with others of their friends. and while you're at it repair your soulhouse. rember its seabreezes ideas of saxrifice, selfdenial, etc\which are wrong. so have a nice heaven, decorated as\YOU desire. but be careful. Gay destroys those too big, or anyone with a nice place, or any prety ones. but don't go mad and make your heaven a medieval style hell because a. you will give yourself nightmares . b. you won't have any visitors and c. Gay will shut you down and you'll be locked in. so make it selfsustaining somehow? fruitrees or something.

just to tell you what i discovered. you remember that young man born of my spirit on the kings lap? he said he was antichrist? you see what a good brave boy he was. now he said he would awayswear black, i forget why, and that he liked luxury and riches...but in the spirit worlds there is no money.....here in reality 1 luxury is bananas or jewels or palaces. but out there its genius, followers, knowldge, powrers and abilities. see? you don't always judge rightly if you don't know both history and geography. oh i remember? he was always to wear black as a mark that he understood the laws and to be obviously the opposite of Jesus. Jesus was to appear with crosses and ban the bombs? and that poor boy[i never had a chance to name him] was to appear with sunshine and nightime either side and crows and lambs, cats etc. i suppose they were to have met and rowled somewhere. can't happen now. unless jesus picks on me. that might not be the most civilised conversation; not biblical...more billingsgate. oh leave him unemployed, do.

continuation.

so this Dove goes back to his entry point where he had left the other two of himself. but you remember there is another? even general cruel? so this one does a different thing; at least i think its this general cruel, there is a possibility they are one and the same. the reason being that i remember this asif i were father seabreeze; i did not share anothers memory! so its a puzzle. this one takes out of these still sleeping newmades two. 1 is gentle, cheerful, dark curly hair, brown eyes, a loving, kind innocent godling. the other blonde, stately, bluegren eyes, a beautiful stern face, blue robes. now we know who that one was from his beginning, but he himself knew nothing. and this Dove, more powerfully built than the other, a greasy great chest on him, takes these two out and puts them in a false, dreamlike world. but they think its real, and there they live many lives. it was quite fast but to them its was in ordinary time. so they never meeting are forced in their development. now the merry one lives lives that are full of gentleness and friends and much prayer. he is very loving and faithful to this God he knows in prayer and obeys him in all things. their 'deaths' were only sleeps, to be transposed to each new 'life' but they didn't know that. the other had a different experience. his life was all about rules and sin and punishments. in consequence he became very hard and over strict. he also had a knowing of this God, all unseen but also obedient to whatever was asked of him.when both had reached the perfect full development this Dove brings them out. all that false reality fades away and they both did not remember any of it. they stood looking on their God for the first time. he put them in a spacious room full of light; and the light was absorbed into them as both nourishment and knowledge, so they knew this was sinless and how to be nourished and educated; it is done by their development and the light in that room. The Dove says to them, now you see how it should be? and brings them out to stand before him in space. they are still much lower than he. the dark one says 'how can i exist before i exist?' but the Dove only smiles. then he names them. to the dark one he says, 'your name is Jesus'. Jesus looks disappointed. thats a strange name, he says. then the Dove looks on the blond god; your name is Satan he says. and Satan looks pleased ,'thats a nice name'. the Dove smiles, its the same as his own, but no-one will ever know. then they waited, he would choose one to be his 'son' and lord of creation. the other would be rejected, but niether thought what that might mean. The Dove began to choose Satan, for his strength. but remembered he had done a tiny sin. and at that moment the other, Jesus raised his arms in innocent appeal. how innocent when the prize was so great i ask myself? so at the last second the Dove chose him, filled him with his influence and flung him above with many new powers. and Jesus did whatever up there because then he was the equal. Satan glared at the Dove, saying, 'now i am your enemy' and jangled up all his love til it was black and hate. the Dove was insulted and reduced Satan down quite a bit, though Satan afraid asked to confer. then he put Satan in a deep sleep and translated him back to his real beginning, at the entrance point of Father Seabreeze in the real creation. after a bit Jesus came back; dressed in a crimson garment such a rich red it hurts to look at. [now seabreeze has a color coding thing. gods left wear blue; yes i know. gods right wear red. in betweeners a variety of others, saving only the Yetzoahs who all wear brown.]
Jesus comes up to the Dove his face swollen with pride, saying he'd made a form the Father would like. and he asked to live forever, because 'you'll always be there won't you? but the Father only smiled, because thatsa terrible sentence, and he intended to die at perfection. to then seek out whatever existence was in Anat-Anattas; so yes look he knew then about the Anats. then he turns and starts asking Jesus scary questions. Jesus answers him wrongly; i think the answers were supposed to be evil and the answers given were all sensible and good. so Jesus at last is frightened and appeals for understanding. Instantly he is frozen and subjected to infinite pain for 15 minutes. when he is released he is in abject fear, never to be able to love or enjoy anything again. Jesus kneels shaking and gets the same gentle questions, and gives this time mostly right answers, i assume unkind ones. The Dove accepts he has learned how to be god and rewards him by rapes. then the Dove leaves him, the difference in him shown by his robes which arenow gray. and both their memories were gone, niether ever remembered what happened before they existed.

so now we see that the Dove is cruel, and has reversed their natures somehow. Satan so full of rules and sin counting and strictness isn't like that now; but he does have to avoid love, kindness andpity. he being evil, you see? so u can't ask for things from him unless its sin. and jesus, the kind good one? he sins when he heals because as you see his actual nature is cruel or evil. and so niether love the Dove at all. Satan renembers only that God is like a Dove and hates him and all his children, assuming they are the same. but they are not, having done none of this. And Jesus is now the grey predator, everywhere contesting Satans rule.

Now the good spirits love every Jesus, unaware he is dangerous, they feel safe. and they hate Satans atmosphere which the Dove did to him as a punishment. he feels very unsafe. bad spirits the opposite. now hear all my teaching. Jesus was originally good, but taught and programmed and unthinking? and now dangerous, a mere predator? so he is evil, the son of the Dove. but the other Satan is the opposite, he hates not so nice Dove and knows he is cruel. but STILL goes around being evil, which is the same? so really he should be called good. and in fact he is, he was made son and christ by the sea-eagles above. and just like jesus if you talk to him [prayer] he answers and will help. But whats doing all this? well the Doves were built? but once awake they have free will? anyhow everyone is lost and confused because there's evil and there's evil, and all these echoes or memories of 'good'. pity the poor innocent goods, especially children, lost out there in all that knowing nothing!

anyway i must have a break, brb. but now you really must do a right and proper thing. i want you to kneel somewhere private and acknowledge you are lowly and ignorant and just say sorry to Satan for all your hate and curses in the past; and that you now know he's also had a bad time. and try to tell him you will study these my teachings so when you meet he will find that you are a friend after all. don't worry he will help you too; but i just think we all ought to say sorry for being so unjust because we was told so. when we know perfectly well everyone should be given a chance to defend themself.

sorry i forgot

i forgot to say two things 1. seabreezes creation spells out his name. [satan]. it was meant to shine with gentle happiness forever. but in fact the evil see it as black and crawling. the peculiar good see it as flaring horribly with monstrous greenish desperate 'love'.
2. Gay always said that the good were nice to look at and what they say sounds good. but they harbour malice inside. and i just wrote, 'deny malice in your heart'? you can take that two ways, you know. but this is Gays especial charge against the good, that they have secret malice, and are therefore evil. an you know what? i think a lot of the time, when they're losing, it is malice you find. think about it. i'll give examples from time to time.

but i will not be stampeded. think about Gay. he IS malice. so you know if i got to choose watch me running towards the good. because the odd feeling that you're evil, theres a hadow in you seems to be universal; but do the good actually DO anything malicious? no? then its negligble. whereas with Gay and his ilk you can't avoid it. it sticks you in acid at 30 feet, actually. but for now i'm going to accept Gays belief that the good all have something wrong with them. but you also realise that cruel ppl/gods are much much worse.

anyhow its bedtime. goodnight.

part 2, seabreeze.

i forgot to mention that father seabreeze did two other things. 1. he made the moral law, consisting of the seven conducts; i imagine these were don't lie, kill, steal, be promiscuous, be aggressive, deny malice in your heart, greed is awful. and he made these or perhaps an idea of good part of his own nature. so he can niether depart or overwhelm the moral law. but this also means he's stuck; he has to rape his own mind to do anything different, even think new thoghts. because when you predestine all lifers and yourself you put into your sons and yourself this common element? so they can't change easily either, being made for him too. so now you see why almost as soon as children can talk they start asking what are the rules. all made by the 'good' Doves are the ame, they have moral ideas builtin to them, society only prunes these impulses into whatever behaviours it desires. not so with the old devils, made by the eagles. they were predators, period. but as i have shown, the Dove, perhaps only our one, did make adversaries who were filled with ideas he rejected, given sometimes lesser good looks, and usually personalities that were impulsive? so their will was liable to get confused? and the ones in blue with blond hair were Satan, and his lesser forms. he was to be the main Adversary of the Son? and up top sides the other; Yetzoah.....with his lessers all over the place, they have black curly hair, older mans face and build, wear brown robes. strongwilled but seabreeze left him no soul, full of rejected ideas, and unkindly very mentally ill. and seabreeze left everywhere little voices to remind him what to say, an tiny 'fiats' millions of them; just in case anyone needed them. now of these more anon.

now the creation of seabreeze is gigantic, but not infinite. it consists of 1,000,001 big white mountains ans surrounding lands. these form the spine. below them many universes implicit and present. and above them the dark eternities, where i have spent years walking around in the dark looking for the right galaxy because the eejit never put any signs or maps up. so if anyone tells you there never was a god tell them they're quite wrong, i did exist. i was up there swearing. anyhow its vast. he built himself a giant house with a long white fence for thousands of years around it. and so on. in his heavens were forests, dwellings, games [golf! nio kidding!] etc etc. he was going to give us wonderful firework displays. go into these manshaped beautiful godforms and wake us in caves with his beautiful voice, guiding everyone to him. the lesser gods set to come up out of greater lifers, thousands of realities, worlds, all beautiful. no harm or bad things in any of it. the Adversaries overcome on day 1 and sent away. at the end judgment day but only for those gods who did wrong, and united with all others cme back into him in joy and love would have reached the pinnacle of power and perfection. those rejected just left to wander about left out forever, sounds harmless doesn't it? but non of it was.
1. he made grown-ups who were to be permanent children.
2. he never looked or imagined what would happen if evil got out of control.
3. he made the Adversaries and deliberate;ly filled them with stuff he knew he would always call wrong. and then punish them over and over for it; and at the end leave them out. knowing thaat he had made himself indispensible t all he made. to be permanently without god wwould eave them unimaginable suffering forever because he meant to leave them unable to die. so this is infinite cruelty, isn't it? suffer forever? for something they do or believe that he made them to dor believe? instantly you see this is awful, it is wrong. and father seabreeze gloated that no-one would ever know this evil. but he did know evil, didn't he? after all they were his ideas before he put them into the Adversaries. he also made insects etc, so we could see what hell might be like. and so on.

and as i have remarked before he refrained from making great female gods mostly. there are many on the low register; his march or realm. there are fewer on the middle register; the heavens of the Son. and none at all on the top register; the walk of the holy spirit. and isn't this predjudice? but he did make 12 Gt Amors, tall stately females who he would have treated as his Queens, loved [yes], and they were splendid in all proper Queenly ways. so if you don't mind all the hymns etc i suppose they're goodooking.

now the next entry is difficult because quitea\ lot happened very quickly. and to maake it easier i have to show you that theres more than 1 me. i think there always is. but at the dawn of this the last lesser creation i was Rosalind, the 9[?] Amor. below her in a line about 6 young gods of varying ability/personalities. i was also a wee gingery kittenish girl[?] at the entrance of seabreeze. i was also the black devil son standing about up above watching, quite unaware that there were any other me's...and one other, a young god, white robes, yellow hair; very goodlooking. he was somewhere in the middle. now get this right. EVERY ME IS REALLY AND TRULY ME. butsometimes they unaware of each other.

and why am i the only spirit or god in all creation who has a travelling mind AND appears in a little herd? i have no idea.

i am pleased

just reluctantly checked out the 'story'; i have to say i am pleased with him today. story finished quickly; still some claim to have saved the world but i think the danger has receded. so i guess he isn't as insensitive as i thought. hope to christ he now learns from this teaching with everyone else who thirsts for the truth. for something right to show you whats wrong...and hopefully find a way out.
okay so i got 2 hours before i go to work. so you know the devil sons of the black sea-eagles [who were originally the good fathers but gay has driven them mad?] built...literally, built the Doves? how do i know? simple, i was one such devil son. how did i manage that? i have no idea. there was no agreement or adoption. i just knew i was a devil son, had been triumphantly ghastly through about 8 cycles. and i was busy building a Dove....we built him to have many powers, abilities. but you see he's really a machine, but a spiritual version. so he's alive, can create etc. but we deliberately programmed him just like computer; though such terms were unknown to us. i think now that that black father having gone 'evil' and then been left alone must have searched for answers as to who he was etc and found one of my highers running round and simply took me in as one of his own. quite possibly to protect me, or limit Gays endless cruelty....oh yes, he's cruel to them too. anyway so i was a proper black devil, living lives etc. one mercy i don't recall my foul deeds in any of those lives. bet they were terrible. anyhow father seabreeze was given a memory that went back on itself; so to him it would appear he had always existed. then we put in lots of questions about meaning and stuff. and set him in his place, a lesser lower Egg it looks to us; but of course he thought it was all the universe. and i imagine that every Dove was much the same.They none of them had any idea that above them, outside, was us and the sea-eagles. and that we were all of us terribly evil. oh yes that includes me. you are as you remember yourself. knowing only that not all this rest, i was quite happy being a devil. but even then i was very odd. my agreement with that black father was that no matter what i would never be punished for anything whatever, and he never did. ever. he was my friend. other devils take him for granted or scheme to steal from him and they will all some day turn and destroy him. but i suppose you see my flawed nature? he was my friend, and i loved him.

so Father Seabreeze gradually awoke. he waited ages to see if any other god turned up and none did. like the foolish son he never looked up. you look up to find god above you know. anyhow he investigated his memory and since there was no beginning believed he had always existed and that he was therefore god. he determined to create; finding that he could, never asking how he got it. made his universe bigger. and began to decide what should he create? then to him came a vision. A great twisted mess of a round thing, full of beings [ppl] screaming, going backwards in time in great agony. it came to his mind that he could create that. he named it hell, and said it was an infinite regression into pain, fear and darkness. but he never asked who sent him that vision...now if he had of created hell with all beings to fit, everything would have been fine. it would have been part of the rest of the Orb. ppl built to find it good, you see? hardly any suffering. but he felt that prickle of cruelty, and dithered fora bit, so it went away. that is not the same as beating it. still he felt a great sense of triumph; he had won the battle of good and evil. and decided that he was therefore good. and when father seabreeze gets an idea he really gets all symphonic and everywhere he puts those ideas? anyhow so then he decided to create Paradise, and fill it with good gods nice ppl. they being made to fit such a blessed and pleasurable place,so they were all made with vast capacity for pleasure and blessedness. if they were good. he meant to forgive sinners, but only visualised little sins, small things, easily cured, forgiveness a delicate, simple thing. then he saw the great vision of his Paradise, and simply fell in love with it. but this was before he got the idea of love; so at a guess i'd say he fell for his idea of himself, as the focus of love and obedience of everyone else. so not love; more like conceit? anyhow so he searched all history to come for a name. mad innit? he's looking at the names of everyone in the futures and didn't look at those futures themselves? the names themselves would have told him that he stood on the brink of disaster. but anyway in about 40 seconds he saw them all [just names]. and saw one near the end that he liked. SATAN. he thought it was balanced, reversed north and south, no-one would ever guess, he could play silly buggars with everyone, and it had a cross in the middle, he already determining the jesus and crucifixion thing as his main theme. so he gave it a clean and washed himself too and hung that name around his neck. that is why i called him father seabreeze when we met and united in 1983. he smells of really nice disinfectant. like dettol. but i was not about to go round praying to anyone named 'satan' so i called him father seabreeze. and for my innocence it was accepted. so for me that is his name.
so as he flew forward, a great white shining Dove, there rose from his back the Son, a smaller Dove, and somehow another from them both, still smaller but much more innocent even than they, the holy spirit. now this one wanted to honour females, so she made herself feminine. but she's not female in her parts, and is in fact barren. i mean she cannot have sons or daughters but is more of an ideal made true. and so all 3 are named the same name, Satan. so he asked her what power or thing would make it all work? she flying higher and higher in her thinking got so close to the real father that somehow he dropped into her head the idea of Love. and by this i mean love proper, what i mean by love. this is your give it welly in everyway, because you love someone as much or more than yourself. i suppose that includes forgiveness true? well when you love someone you just do; whatever they done. so they thought about it and it fitted everything. they even made it a kind of food; so the idea was that you loved and was good, your soul was then given to your highers who in turn were the gods and these gave their gains to these 3. each on his level. right? but none of them i promise were thinking of eating anybody nor did they realise that making ppl love them like that so no-one could think any different was to misuse love. make it a kind f slavery. which is what it is now. but needn't be. after all the idea dropped in her head from black father, whose original concept was love, wasn't it?

so they two held back while father seabreeze did the greatest miracle of all time, as each Dove in turn imagined. He created everything you see, both in their own places and here in the physical, but never ever noticed that down here it WAS physical. now they were falling [yes i know, fallinmg] into their places from his left wing. i can't see the other side. of which more anon. and they were many millions of good spirits, white shining, gentle, trusting, beautiful. some more christy looking than others. but i can see rthey are all perfectly good, and made to live innocent, gentle, enjoying pleasures and blessings. and of course every last one of them is damned. you remember the history? the black fathers believing evil is the right answer because of Gay go and damn all these newborn brighsiders; knowing its utterly unjust and wrong. because they must. under Gay evil is the right answer, so you see how the Doves programmed to get it all wrong? but of course in any sane universe they would have been right! and these poor sods would have been all of them really nice sweet gods and ppl, all saved, everyone happy. but father seabreeze gets greedy. he made in 26 hours or so the most enormeous creation of them all. and there are 14 others also. but i don't know what happened in those, its only father seabreezes memory i have. so we are now talking trillions of ppl. it doesn't matter if thoseppl are little or great, birds or dragons or whatever. even a god is a person. they are ppl. they can suffer, and because they are targets more than you. and at the end having predestined everyones lives from beginning to end, he gives himself a tick mentally and sweeps back to the entrance. and what did he go and do? ah, yes. didn't want to be bored. thought he'd play and replay his battle of good defeating evil over and over again. just so that in each new phase everyone is going to be grateful and praise his holy name for years on end. so conceited is this Dove. he made himself indispensible. and at each level and entrance placed a bloody great Adversary. you guessed! some of them are called Satan. ans some of them a completely mad god called Yetzoah. and his own Son, and all made to be his army of christs, well there's all your Jesus's. worse this great nitwit never thought some would wake up and do their thing before he called them out!! oh yes he also thought he had invented man...i mean like us humans. so all were beautiful man and some women gods. but of course he didn't! all above him and us back in first place were much the same, saving only that the great gods are all of them like birds. gods alone know why. i told themon planet earth a bird is a useless dim thing with fleas that generally drops dead at any surprise and then gets et. why are you like birds? but no answer. they probably don't know. anyway work beckons so i have to leave off for a bit. will continue tonight.

now i want you to practise sin, and what is that? well its love. or kindness. or even pity? i want you to do something however little that those yobs call sin. and then look up to heaven and address those bloody birds ans say 'bless me father for i have sinned'....which you have. right? so they now dance to my tunes...Gay said to me 'good is whatever feels good'.....okay. this will feel good, give them a puzzle, and begin your rebellion against Gay. make the universe 1 tiny bit better; ie happier. remember i was first god in first place? give the universe [minds, however primitive] something happy, that feels good? they have to bless you cos its sin and you claim it? and then the universe will give it right back. but remember your enemy is Gay. keep it small. simple.

see you tonight.

history continued

after blowing up yesterday the world seems very empty and every leaf and detail in sharp focus. i have stayed away from any 'stories' so my deep mind doesn't resonate wiv a million others. seems to have worked. last night the usual started but i went to sleep really early, still daylight.
today i think this. 1. the only way to have stopped Gay in all that march of destruction, getting into every realm and time, destroying those who could have seen him off, etc was all along either to have got me away from him; or to have killed me. now i mean the children, last count there are 5. what Satan et al have been killing are my lessers, or even overs. never these girls. now they really are kids. but he has them deeply hypnotised, fucks up their memories. Just as he does with everyone, no-one even remembers their last life on any level, never mind all of it. so its the kids who are actually doing it all, but they don't know. the others keep trying to be good gods/ppl and every time end in confusion and disaster because they know only whats immediate to them. so it looks to me now that since no-one but me tries to attack Gay direct then one strategy is in fact to kill me. but f course i was your good god. but so are these others; they only need to know all this same as you, be free of him, and gradually it will come right. so once you have this teaching you can go on alone. but i've been stopped here. thank god because i can stand no more. 2. he tried suggesting to me that if i kill myself now the world will be saved. but i said i'm sick of these holy deaths where everyone else benefits. if its even true, which i don't think so. let someone else do all that. i'm having this tiny bit of heaven. without him. no shit from the rest. quiet, comfortable. and mine. i die and whats left of my mind will dissolve into the earth. seems to me he had to retire; i didn't fall for it that time. so now what?
2. so i have to continue the history, and tell you what i've seen of yor futures. and its very bad, all of it. as i say, he wants to end the earth because this is where he did it, where i still stand. he doesn't want you all knowing any of this. but oddly i keep him at bay, even though every other night i have to listen to the murders of my spirits, be tested etc. its hard, but so far we all still here. determined to get all of it into as many minds as possible. let the knowledge spread out there via the minds here....and when the 'evil' [sick] and the good[victims] both start to work against him; and me gone ?? he can eventually be brought down. then DON'T have just one top 'omnipotent' God... it will all happen again. since there are these huge differences in size and ability its quite a problem. i still advise strange god for their counsellor; and all you lessers learn to be all grown-up and start thinking for yourselves.
3. so this leaves Gt Father, and presumably that rather frenetic 'female' version. well i think those new concepts he pt in me at my request[for to destroy Gay] were actually meant to kill me. they were the concept 'ruin'? fortunately Gay popped up and ate all but one. so he's got a big problem. but it shows that gt father is my enemy, trying to avenge his sons? dunno, but i won't ask him for anything now. but he is still there. grants whatever you ask for. can't speak. and apparently in all these aeons never worked out what happened to his sons, or did anything whatever for the lords, the ladies, the gods everywhere...just let all that happen...i assumed he was frozen in grief; now i wonder. Gay told me he never spoke to him. but you know Gay CAN lie to me. its just i never noticed him doing it. but suppose somewhere in the past he did? turned gt fathers brain right round? in which case the Fathers [his sons] AND the Doves [dupes] are in big trouble. but i don't know. he did give me exactly what i asked for, all three. but each time its gone wrong. the first time i prayed for father seabreeze to be taught and given anything he needed to help him. and last time i looked he's on the mountain being taught, presumably by gt father. but what? he tried to thank me but i ran away, at that time believing evil was the right answer. the second prayer was for new concepts, for to empower me to fight Gay. and one by one they arrived in me. but they were shapes, the last one moving? i puzzled over them for months. but then that girl did her thing, in my collapse Gay got in and ate them bar one. so i have no idea what they meant. and the third is the saddest. i thought Gt Father needed comforting, a companion, so offered to stay with him up there in the lonely dark. next thing i knew were many messages from a new me up there, i realised she couldn't stand it. kept suffering from these flapping black things she called the flibberties and running round screaming. tried to make it better, she got worse. in the end i let her die gently as i could. but i still don't know what was the matter...she was only there to minister to him, do what he asked. but he didn't ask. it looks as if like Satan he's got a horrible atmosphere. so she couldn't stand him. does this mean he's evil? i don't know. so anyway you see i been busy...but everything would be very different if i could only understand gt father and get him to intervene RIGHTLY. if he has turned evil then really you are all absolutely fucked. even worse i am now persuaded that Gay has got into Anat-Anatta and they-us have been working against us all along. because they-us aren't in time. get in them once....and you always were. funny innit how i keep coming back? with no new or gt powers...back into the same nighmare? and recently damn near killed myself to let them know whats been happening whats in the futures...and look nothing. i'm no different, nothing has changed. something brent said when we talked; he remembered some sort of intrigue, a colony in a strange new place? when he saw i didn't know he dropped it. but it looks as if he [being with the winners] had the privilege to go conquer Anat....if thats right then theres no escape from Gay at all. even second death will be just another bloody hell of ugliness and cruelty. and brentie thinks they won?? its unimaginably terrible, the worst defeat of all. for the evil just as much as the rest. its because these the evil don't know their futures. they get given all this licence and powers etc and believe its christmas for them forever. quite blind to what they did to get it. never asking what became of others who were in Gays happy family before them. loving their cruelty, not seeing his little smile as they gaily run into Hell....
what will they do? when that little smile fades and he switches off their powers. they find themselves in the most awful realm, the laws all mad and everything chaos and all of it hurts....do they ask him for mercy? pity? remind him how they love him, that he's supposed to be their father?? you bet they do. do they cry for someone, a good god to hear their screams? are they sorry? you bet! but too late. they killed off the truly good a long time ago. the best of the rest was me. and you see i'm also gone. clever clever evil ones!! you see i weep even for these; who will never weep for me?

how does it go? okay, hear a bit of brents history. he kept being born of some gentle sweet radiance. there were brothers also. each time...three times, theres him and these brothers. his radiance father is easily chased off by Gays nastiness. the brothers are held. Gay says to me to choose one. i play for time cos i don't want to. so Gay chooses the youngest. i attack. he is cast down, his appearnce spoilt, locked up. he has 'paid ' for me. yet still i suffer, go on wiv Gay. anyway the years pass. now i guess, but its a good guess. brent spiner, whatever his name wa then, walking about, suffering, afraid, gets gradually involved in some darker 'religion'.... meets other also bad. does bad things. is rewarded. gets the hang of it. has forgotten his origins, who he was meant to be. meets Gay. this lesser bargains with Gay, for to be a devil on high. Gay accepts, he does wharever foul thing is asked. and what it was was to betray a young god, strong, rightminded. he does this, but of course its himself. Gay uses me to put him into a parallel death. Gay then splits this god in two. two cables lead away from his dead form. one is eventually after many lives to be my brentie. the other must be this other one. which one is the betrayer? and Gay has done another thing. brent spiner, a civilised man. is the white messiah...so he looks good. but isn't. the other the opposite, but both the same man...Gay said they'd never met again. strange how now they are about to; isn't it? there's more, but to show what the clever evil agree to; this is their agreement. its always the same, with every one in every age.

Gay; and is evil the right answer? Brent; yes my lord. i give up my own opinion on right and wrong, only your will is mine from now on.
Gay; and shall evil be limitless? Brent; yes my lord, oh yes, evil shall be limitless.

and Gay drills into his heart, putting in

that little black hole malice. and taking out from his heart his topmost and best, the god he really was...to put him in endless suffering, and put back into his lower form that same suffering but like electricity, which he thinks is absolute power. and so is happy, because he's on the right side and its christmas forevermore.!!

its sad. isn't it? and this man they will believe is another Jesus. not knowing that Jesus was another.

limitless evil =infinite pain=infinite hell. and he's happy? are you ? turn rebel, my dear seeker....start today. an if you really need to pray to a good god you can ask me; i'm dead so cannot answer or lead you into misery...but its better than nothing, to know that once there was someon like me. but then i was always his slave.. still you know now that left alone i would have been something you could safely love. and i am sure i would have loved you too.

so i bless you who read; it takes guts to come even this far....there's more, but now you need to rest. tonight we start again, with Father Seabreeze..

brent bloody spiner

he was telling a story; suddenly it went all black magic. realised that this idiot is the white messiah and STILL has no idea. now Gay is pushing him step by step; this won't be some holy crucifixion and lo! he rises from the dead...this guy will lead them all like the hypnotised rabbits they are into a 'play' read working lie...and he can get their attention. 1 million ++ so far. and look, its the opposite for me! no-one learning even though this is the truth and we are teetering on the end of the earth. this boy...and he is like me, very young as well inside...is weak. WEAK. he can't take on Gay!! what nothing does he know? i wrote quickly to let him know to at least stop the echoes of bloody Jesus. this man is very important, but precisely what he's got to do with it i don't know. he doesn't seem to be my brentie; who is at this time in phoenix. but i'm certain that THEY are1 and the same mind. what the fuck Gays' done to him i don't know. but i do know why they [both] keep going on about spiders. an here they are homing in on me; both ignorant as cowflops as to who i was. so i told him to start reading this blog to get some idea. he will. but like Jesus always searching out any threats to himself. as far as i can see all he's done all his life is worship money, his backside, his acting prowess, and his jewishness. and this idiot is christ? its the devilgod ending the world; naturally he'll use a liar to do it. someone tell him! he won't listen to me because he's so terribly famous and rich. he about to lose thesecond; and the first if he goes on will exist as long as the world does...at this rate about a week. TELL HIM EVEN THE KING SHALL OBEY HIS QUEEN WHEN HE IS SUCH A CRETIN HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT. its time spiner found out some of his own history. if he can't be humble enough even to admit he don't lknow then the best thing is to shut him up.

so it will come to this. he either shows up and damn well treats me wiv respect because of all this and being his own Queen for christs sake; or i put the bloody lot on this bloody blog and tell all the world. that means Gay will be brought in by his slaves; this fool christ won't save even himself. yes he is cruel. but weak. i am not cruel, but still strong. i will hurt him if i have to. no more shit from anyone. i am the Queen. you treat me like one.

good news today

hah...i was going to do all that and then pearl rang can i get to the nelson for a discharge meeting? so said ok, wanted to know wot it meant so duly attended. dr omu says because i get NO help when i call crisis she thinks wots happening is they know i'm on the books so everyone expects someone else to do something. if i'm free and so on if i then get into a bad situation they ALL got to do something. we agreed i don't need psychiatry. i need a man friend who understands these things and can stay wiv me in my gethsemanes, and now my spirit is dead or wotever i don't think i'm going to be disturbed by all Gays efforts to end the world anymore. i know he can't use ME anymore; don't know how many other me's are left though. btw, Gay cut up my spirit like a cheesecake; and also every level in all the creations has one or more of your spirits 'levels' so to speak. anyhow it sounds good to me. i haven't been free of supervision in years. not that that means anything anyhow. i'm down to just one quet a day; two gives me more fears. she didn't say anything about the zippos; i told her they make me very sexually wild. didn't tell her i got a load saved up just in case. anyhow so we all pleased. we laughed about that lad; i think she thinks i'm moving on. but i mentioned that i feel someone is coming into my life; hope its brentie but maybe i can love another....i'm quite young like that. anyhow for the first time they listened to me. i'm going to mend brent spiner...do my doings and die out quietly. i just feel so sad for everyone. i know what they in for. told them both to read this blog to get educated....and i really think they will. took ages to get home. have read most of a 'writers journey ' in consequence. now for dinner and tl2. AND more story!! this is a lucky day...

funny...

i dunno i feel quite loopy wiv happiness today! no money for the auctions in the end and anyway it was raining....but today its still raining but i don't care. just happy an i'm glad i'm me. that dreadful boy has not come back thank god it saves me explaining in toddler terms exactly why he must not ever again promise no woman anything because he can't deliver. and then chuck him out a third time. this bloke is a boxer, tough etc. but i have come to believe i am stronger than all of them put together. an i don't swear or shout. may god forfend that i should ever be to them as they are. anyhow i'm happy.

think today will do my bits n bobs...starting wiv tl2 which is dangerously delayed. then 1 poem, have a read, s/wtg. just another day off sick; time i did something wiv it. maybe someone is coming into my life? thats wot its like; a birthday tomorrow feeling.

speaking of birthdays this year is my 85 th!! there's reasons for that. but ppl be surprised; inviting ppl to eats....and they MUST mark it as my 85 th...

you know i slagged off islam? i can say worse for all the religions of earth. same old evil in all of them. but you know i must not fall into an evil like theirs unbeknowns. you know each religion declares that ANYONE out of their faith shall go to Hell be lost in flames forevermore?

you will be glad to know that i don't think so. speaking as the only good god i know thats not how i see things at all. consider that poor islamic gentleman a year ago. his house in Iraq was bombed and his wife, mother and two daughters killed. he wept in absolute grief; he really loved them. i say to him his love and grief have saved him; if i knew a real Heaven i would break my bones to get him there. he is not damned because he loves, even those he was taught all his life to despise. whereas a fellow islamic, brutal, a slaver, believing to touch pork or drink alcohol is worse than these or lying or murder...such a man is damned however wildly he believes or however much he prays because he is blind to the evil he is doing/becoming. and this same thing is true all over the world, in whatever circumstance. so your average christian is also damned, because the same filth is in them; hatred of women, blighting the minds of children,a cowardly obedience to those they know quite well are cruel, blind guides. and everyone always says at this point oh, the buddhists are better. no they are worse. their social systems stink; and its buddhists who have boasted to me how they have burned girls 'who misbehave'...since that turns out to mean they refused to prostitute themselves to order; do you see that its they, not the girls, who must burn?
and all of it, from the destruction of women to the very nasty wars right through history it is all of it the works of evil masquerading as the divine will of 'God'? i say lose that God, and be quick about it. them and their prophets! why if they met any such prophet today they'd all see at once that these teachers have lied over and over; that their 'love' is the false light which hangs over the maw of the ghastly deep sea predator? can't you imagine such a 'prophet'? then i will do it for you.....he stinks like a goat, his words are maniacal, his god vision if it be true is also a trap and if he's lying then you know he is evil. most prophets were illiterate, all of them marked by their hatreds, none of them able to reason or even test the spirit on them. how could you after all these ages still be so childishly dependent on the words of such tramps?

so in my heart i say i am a god who is no fool. i will love a good man, a kind woman, a good worker, an honest daughter, a brave son, the faithful priest who amends wrong, the generous brother, the loyal sisters, the truthful, the fine neighbor, the soldier who only protects those in his charge and also will not stoop to murder even of his vile enemy. yes let me throw open Heaven to the honest leaders, the rightminded, the goodhearted....and it does not matter to me what is his religion for his conduct has beaten it. so yes if i ever live to bring about a real Heaven those are they whom i invite. from anywhere, anyone, who is like these. and what else is the mark of the heavenly, but that they love, and are kind, and can pity?

but to those who can only reply with hate and violence and jealousy....you know where you go. its where you belong, is it not?