bit better today

hoo i dunno how but i'm coming back to you all. right up to last night terribly tired. all i could do was sleep, like massive great blocks of sleeping. but today up early, housework ok, coughing better, no particular tpr. seeing doctor at 0930m. going to try to make him understand the nightly battle, the weird things happening. no i don't want to endure Pearl!! or get banged up wiv the moronic nurses in QMH or SPH...but i need help. someone who knows its happening to be wiv me. my daughter simply will not come here. dunno why. she visits peggy/my mum...but never answers me. maybe she scared? whatever, its unforgiveable. she's able to ring me the next day and ask me to pick up boys etc...but never seems to understand this is no joke, its the end. unless i'm strengthened, wiv someone. thats why i go back to work asap; to keep it out, under control.
anyway i will get back to the history soon, and also start describing things i seen out there. its bad. whoever reads this WILL start remembering themselves. prepare for a terrible nervous breakdown....its not easy to discover that after death which should be heaven, thats what we were all made for....in fact is the most ghastly stupendous Hell. and the worst ppl you can imagine are the victors, your torturers, think of nazis, murderers....real hellstars. they are in charge. to be accepted, you have to please them; or be worse.

so they call me the Devil? now u see it doesn't mean the same to me as it means to the damn fool christians. its 'God' who is evil. i am a rebel. anyone wiv any guts will join me. and anyway i'm not black. nor shiny. very colourful, yes. actually my favourite colour is blue/indigo...

gods plan

i sort of recall. in the very far future Gay is showing me various beings in awful agony. he turns, smiles and says...'but Gerry this is what they're for...why do you think I did it all?'
Again a few years back I wa trying to come to terms with spiritlands. So I was looking at a great thin wheel. at the top was this dark place. in order for me to get past someone had to 'pay the ticket' or something. it was Yaldabaoth as I called him then. he was murdering a christ, a small weak one. As he did so the wheel turned and apparently I was past that obstacle. I begged for the man's life; again Gay told me thats what christs 'are for'. But that was a person, not a key!! I shuddered at the horror of what Gay has done to all in the spiritlands. But 'its either him or you'.
so he did it all. killed the real good Gods, made filthy pacts and ghastly hells everywhere wiv the evil; he offers me always the chance to 'be saved' if only I go round allowing or even doing evil cruel things. and i expect thats true for everyone. all of it to exercise his cruelty.
not too far ahead he appears on a raised stone dais. below him many many ppl. all human looking, not deviily. and he tells them they are judged as failures, cruel, stupid...because they never worked out that evil is the right answer.

and they are broken in despair, as he stands there omnipotent, telling them all the suffering wiv no escape or redress or relief. forever. they are niether good nor bad. they are his chosen victims is the truth. and where are the 'evil' those nasty insane cruels? oh they're heading for exactly the same; a lot already there in those silent places. they just don't know it yet. because he will switch off their 'power' and they will find that Hell is the mess they made which now is jail, and they also
will never leave off their suffering and despair. Gay can't see any difference between the good and the evil, mainly because he always meant to corrupt a lot of the good to prove the good were really evil. and he can't have zillions of happy, omnipotent cruel, ambitious devils running about where he can't watch them now can he? someone might do it to him!

anyway I stand exactly as I was before it began. I've tried to be evil really i have, it just won't stick. so back again damned for being good. if you think maybe I'm something they need. well nobody needs HIM.

so anyway whosoever reads this; have you noticed a lot of odd scary nasty things happening lately? sounds of crowds, or children or ducks screaming? similar? but when you look there's nothing? me too. for months. i think he's trying to end the world by black magic. certainly very nasty ppl keep appearing, meddling...but then you find they are not recognised by the regular staff. if this world is a lot more porous than we know then whats happening is that you are becoming aware of the spiritlands. they are closer? we are waking? anyhow you see what I mean....the spirits are cruel meddling morons. the other worlds are absolute nightmares. if they won't turn and fight Gay to death...then us humans must. if we die we go out there. if Gay is bringing them here....

so you see my plan? and you see his? choose evil, you get him for god. i don't want to be god. but i want to live somewhere nice, be with ppl i can love. oh by the way you don't have to die to get there. its a speeded up realm, you just use your mind. if you get clever; they can stand here so you can talk to them. or we can probably go there. anyway test what they tell you. don't be gullible. an angel might lie, a devil be hideously deformed from years of torture. the further out you go the less like earth it gets. you couldn't stay on earth forever anyway...but you can live as immortals out there. your choice then. do you want to clean it up first?

why you do! so do I!! that makes us.....good?

sunsets

been quite ill last few days. sleeping a lot; and watching the sunsets. tonight was really beautiful. this is heaven, our good old earth. all the spiritlands are barren, all the spirits mad. they are savages, all intent on increasing their power. so as to stop their own suffering. some to defeat evil. but then they never seem to realise its Gay does all this to them. in the last few days have been given glimpses, or perhaps they're memories. all i can tell the ppl of earth is that all out there are minds. ppl just like you. and all savage, mad, cruel. so humans clean it up...they are patterns [signatures] in electro-magnetic fields...minds just as you are. so blast them apart with directed currents of energy; negative ? i dunno. another way is to focus information at them so fast they can't process it. make it nonsense too. they will go quicker. remember they're all over the earth. these 'realities'...they can't escape and if you don't make it better; niether will you. and above all kill Gay. he IS evil. so now they listen, not so much judging lately.

so this is heaven; or all that is left of what should have been heaven. out there used to be good. now they sleep on the ground like cattle, everywhere nice 'gods' are the victims of devils, there's no food or dwellings or books or music, nothing. except this insane nitpicking about morality. how moral is that? the gods are savages. but its all Gay's doing. they can all be helped, if ppl only took over and acted like an army/hospital for them. all within the Orb have been driven mad. it is all of it Hell. and that is still true even for those fools who learn evil and become devils. yes judging their betters ; and damning them for their goodness!! you see at once you are next!! or don't you know yet that Gay is frightened of anyone getting strong? he mustn't be hurt, you see. and also when you got a whole universe full of screaming clawing being devoured devils...what is it called?? oh yes....its called Hell.

heh-heh-heh

and i just looked up to heaven and kept my word; bless me fathers for i have sinned. which in their evil eyes i did! see? now they have to bless me...and still karma rules. since i have never ruled at all. so its on pilot from now on...

and if anyone reads this truly loves ANYTHING...a child, a dog, their country, law, reason, woman, art, music anything...say wiv me 'I CURSE THE GODS, I WILL DEFEND MY LOVED ONE.'

and work it out until you are gods yourselves; as in fact you were intended to be. and then do a lot better than those!!

night-nights.

update

just sorting things out. getting better. going back to bed in a mo. flashed above the 'dark lords' now i see them. gay said here were TWO lots of eagles. so this up top lot are strangers, evil, and its about time someone did something about them. all i did was declare above them in their own dark....karma rules, and karma will destroy those who only destroy; not love. they looked depressed. so since that now in my little voice is above them they will eventually suffer as they make to suffer. one way of teaching imbeciles to behave/feel better is to deliver them to their own fates, just as they deal to others. so i go to endless hells etc...but you again see why. its your good deeds they destoy you for. but i'm a funny dinner. i may look sweet pudding to them. but eaten i shall prove a redhot toxin; remembering to sing in them. not songs holy, i don't know any. what about singing very loudly what they think so in future anyone can beat them?

and ppl you go to the like fates. think on. who do you want for god? which hell do you think you can tolerate? i say none. and i can't trust Anattas...so me i do these things. incidentally it is the evil who oppress the good and they are NOT secretly good. that is a lie, except for my brentie they are horrible. but it does seem that the bright spirits really arecruel, irrational and wildly unjust. gay says there's no difference between them. but there's still me. now that strange god goes. i fight on in my small way. because i despise them. particularly gay.

and he looked elderly even in first place. but we were all young then!! how long has that thing been god? i can see how hideously huge it is. how terrible it gets. but he is the real enemy; and easily killed if you catch him quick. believe it! that thing is a lesser being!!

off to my bed.

unhealthy

1. acute lung infection
2. fractured elbow....w/o trauma
3. muscle spasms again.
4. angina/ heart problem?
5. rt eye getting tired
6. fractured pelvis [old]
7. heat waves/irritability/fatigue.


medicated at last. actually i think doc has overdone it. lungs already betterish. apart from doing a spot of hswk all i can do is sleep a lot. they sent me home from work. wanted to call an ambulance but i didn't want to spend all day in hospital. anyway now i will be okay. the smashed window in the office is forgiven; violet accepts she was too assertive, and viveen has entered it as accidental.

on the messiahs

hm i did explain this to my brentie the other day; but in case he didn't get it....and anyway, there's no reason why all men shouldn't know this. i repeats it.

1. there is always a white messiah, and a black messiah. you have been taught that the blck messiah is evil and treachorous. nope. its the other way round. gay has fucked up resemblances. so what appears white and holy generally isn't. the other one [think judas] is generally unaware of his role. and therefore did not choose it. is innocent, a dupe? well i think that time this was so. but of course you also get...
2. the rich messiah [prince] and the poor man[beggar]. now think carefully. judas stole..because he was poor, and a bit obsessed wiv money. as the poor tend to be. jesus is everywhere described as 'poor'....don't be daft. his lineage was royal, his followers chucked money at him...even his wedding was a big do. and like all rich gits he promises to make his followers rich too. step 1. give away all your wealth. who to? him, dear.
3. and you can also have the fool, and the wise messiah. and i suppose in a funny way, since i seems to be involved somehow; it seems to me you got the lord and the lady messiah too. the king and the queen? which is which? find out. and rule. or die out. or turn rebel, fight to destroy the destroyer who murders all love and kindness before our eyes. so there's your lesson.

as far as i know even Jesus was good to begin with. as are all. all were meant to be little christs or great. well what god in his right mind clarts the place up with devils? answer none of them did. all the devils u will ever meet have an awful history. to make you weep. be then a wise messiah; whoever you was before. don't judge til u know each one his history. even me.

wot next?

a bad day. wish i never got out of bed. failed to connect wiv one. seem to have spooked the other. everyone around deliberately? fucking me up today. so it is important. anyway i have developed a really painful elbow. its all misshapen. like its busted? but no accident. and i got tomorrow wiv vieen; hey its definitely gay at it again. chest infection is a bit better, heart seems okay, eyes about the same, now all i need to do is stop letting morons drive me wild. see them coming. hurt them somehow. well they get in my way ALL the time. if thats the only thing they respect i must make certain they know thats what they get if any more nonsense from them. so in the end gay is right, they ALL evil, even those who believe they good do the cruel thing right on cue. power to hurt is the only power you really need. from now on i take it. and land some pain on gay....who has never suffered or known trouble at all. ever. from now on what he gives he also gets.
oh btw, i had a long argument wiv gay about my last poem, 'lords and master?' you know he said, 'now you shall be punished, because that is all true'!! but i just made it up! i did visualise bits, but no more than i needed. so anyway he says its true! so i said i don't remember it. i only did a version of the biblical thing. but the meaning was true; that i did know. anyhow i warned him his time is up. bugger whats up there. he put them there. and he will destroy them too. in the end absolutely every evil in existence is down to him, and the punishment for it. i reminded him that everywhere and everywhen i have said 'karma rules' and he said the like. so now it does, the potential is there. and heading not for me the child/god slave....but for him. and its already started, because one reason i been so overworked is that i been putting things right for months. so several gays are dead already. the cruels are judged just as they judged. my lttle girls where i have seen them i have also tried to kill, or be taken away. and so it goes on. no chance i win, or even live....but if the man in the future or whoever got the guts to follow my lead...do the same. either take away his source of power/information[those suffering mad little girls] or smack into second death all the suffering in the silent hells of his[cut off his 'power'] or like a missile blow him to bits. yourself as well. can't help that. i would do it; and to help all you evil morons who will never help me. so there must be another like me somewhere. anyway will go on wiv the history later tonight. but to finish this entry now we know that 'lucifer' is a 'motherson' and the beginning creator, by rapes, and is still up there buying us all time. which makes lucifer a great christ; in my opinion.

been robbed

pearl asked me in; usual ploy, see how i am. she then asks a load of questions rat-tat-tat....staring at her computer. i could see as usual she wasn't even listening. totally unconcerned, 'heart-attack? mm... couldn't see dr? mmm...evil pirits?m....whats your name again? she didn't once look at me. i look like about to die. but she will never know. so i had a go. they are supposed to listen, not interrupt every 30 seconds as if i'm talking too much. and what she does is enter my remarks as y/n on the fucking pc. then started about the smashed windows yesterday. still not in the same room, she was justifying herself...she's a BRILIANT person. in fact she's useless. told her this, left. told recep. take me off that morons list right now! well you expect a nurse to at least look up and ask if you okay when you tell them you had a heart-attack the day before!! this is all merton. st georges, like i say, has become a nest of witches, hellbent on murder.all of them are at it. but i say so. object quite loudly. so that makes me target 1. so an session supposed to be 40 minutes ended in the usual 4.

and on the way home got off the bus to find in the shop my pass plus ALL my cards plus £20 gone. looked up and down asked around...this big ugly black man peeled off sharpish. so i know it was him. designer clothes, able-bodied, loads of gold...and thats what they do all the time. either stealing or begging. i've had a million blacks asking me for money. me! all dressed up and loads of gold. they think whites exist to be ripped off. one reason why i NEVER give anything to charity. they get it. whites just give. i said bollocks long ago. they had billions and still starve; cos they let the crooks get it...who keep them starving so the 'aid ' keeps coming. we should cut ALL aid.

so anyway all sorted. new pass, new cards ordered. but its pissed me off.

saved?

so o no doctor. got an hour to spare? big me's spirits [yes!] i was dead but then they turned p. today they're saying i will be left in hells foul and they won't come bak to help 'any of them even though their time be long overdue' so i swore and said but i haven't done anything wrong stop calling me Jesus. and then phoned tony going back to work tomorrow and started telling him about the black cruels will torture the evil too...and then saw the 'angel me's' smiling. got it in one! you are damned for your good deeds, given pleasure and power if you re cruel and indifferent to suffering. so now you see why the world is the way it is. half the populatuon knows this..and do nasty little cruelties as often as poss. which of course means its hell in the end just as before. anyway to save myself or at least die out i swore to do a sin however small, however great, every day. an i shall look up to heaven and say bless me father for i have sinned. and they will. so now they smile.

but thats your answer.

today

oh dear its another one of those days. first the demented one tries yet again to be all harsh and bullying at 0720 just as i'm about to check the knives and leave. she starts blasting on and on about my job is to mop the floor. oh yes? told them again was not a cleaner. nothing stoppping her doing it. or indeed other hca's who never seem to do anything atall. and i am not as it happens an hca. no, i'm a rsw! and who likes that attitude at that hour? anyway got aggravated and just picked up bag and left. they too shocked to squawk. but then i was in a mood and banged the security door a bit hard. cheap rubbish the glass shattered and i think from the cheerful shattering glass sounds so did the office windows!! so viveen was screaming enraged out the window...went home. off to sleep; and i'm not sure but i think i had a mild heart-attack in my sleep. you see nurses/managers do NOT take care of the health/welfare of other nurses. in fact all they really want is to exercise their 'authority' right and left. but i don't believe in that. so got a habit of doing what i think is right. and that doesn't usually mean kowtowing to a bunch of paranoid squaws.

so overslept, if you can call 3 hours a sleep period. had to reschedule solicitors. and virtually no chance of seing a doctor today. they seldom open, the only one there with a brain is never on when i need him, and what you do is queue to see the duty doctor, right? about 12 ppl? while you are queuing they give out appts on the phone; several times i been turned away just as i got to the desk....you too late, appts all gone. come back tomorrow. so there's no point. because the alternative is to go to a+e and spend 7/8 hours waiting to see a doctor there. and they will say take time off work and go see your gp. you can't take time off work!! you do and its a ton of nagging about your sick rates. they treat everyone as malingerers. serious. we all the lot of us got their new system, you got six points at the end of which you fired. but it takes no notice whatever if you got real or serious or management made time offs. its ALL treated in the next return to work interview as malingering. you should go back to the previous point after a certain agreed time. when i asked about that they insisted no, you don't. so its insane then.and i said so. the upshot is is that ppl are coming in when they are infected, too sick to stand, in pain. well look i'm going out of my mind, i got an awful chest infection, i think i had a heart-attack this morning, and do you think any 'nurse' doctor or manager in the entire trust knows they are being criminals? nope. they are cheating to score targets; anything to keep to budget. so now every one in the house also has a chest infection. i could die, and cannot get assistance. and all this so the floor gets fucking mopped? when the domestic is due in to do that very thing in 30 minutes?
so yes i slammed the fucking door. because this is going on day after day. i'm the only one in the house who will say to anither nurse do u want a cuppa? u look sick. etc. for your information a good psychiatric nurse needs ONE thing. not a degree, not clinical fficiency, not management drivel....you have to be a decent reasonable amiable human being....and thats all. so you see at once that an awful lot of nurses are awful ppl. one day you will get siick, maybe come to die...and what you will want then is a nice nurse who cares. not those bitches. you'll see.

turning

i get wrathful when i find what i took to be a friend just damned me when one word would have saved me. and for what? for being truthful? kind? then that friend goes to the opposite of what he knows/has. let him find gay. and scream forever. you see, there's necessary evil, which i understand and can cope with. they happy at least for a time.

and then there's gay. you damn me. i can damn you. or don't you understand when i tell you that thing is infinitely cruel? and my father?

treachery like this is answered by what i deal out. he liked me/loved me; and is it not sick? destroyed me anyhow.

blogs

liquida said they got this blog already? how come? looked at some on that but its all crap; so snooty and about i dunno what. like unreal? couldn't find this if its on there no way to find it. potty.
back on nights for the next two weeks. good job i only do 3 at a time....tried four; wound up quite amnesiac for days.
payday soon! good then i can sort things out. its a mystery. i have superhuman buying powers; but my purse doesn't...


NO STORY. 3 DAYS. AND MUST NOT LIKE POEM EITHER. UNLESS CP IS VISITING THE DEVIL?? FEELS SWIZZLED...

hm

so the evil have no reason. and the good have no feelings? i mean the spirits? i think another entry is on its way.

lord and master

In the BE-ginning, All was Dark.
The Dark said, Let there be Light.
And the Light shone in their midst.
The Dark saw that the Light was Good,
And named her Lucifer.
The Light could not see the Dark
For Light blinds itself.
So the Light called the Dark, God.
And God said to Lucifer our Mother
Thou shalt create; and all of it
We shall call good. And destroy it.
For we were here before you.
She was afraid and overcome,
Knowing they were evil,
Comprehending her fear of the dark
Knowing the pains of Death
By all she bore in shame.
By all that would end in flame.
So Lucifer wept.
Saying, Father forgive me.
And God said, I cannot.
For we are Evil All,
And thou art female.
Begin then to create,
That we may destroy both you and they.
And our Mother she created
Created in the dark
Which cast lots of Fate
And lots and lots too late.
So Lucifer wept for all that should be
Crying alone in all that darkness
Saying, Protect me and Accept me
Let me not come to that bitter end
For the good know nothing
Die in pain
Weep insane
And fall, never to rise again.
And the Devil said, O ye sweet and Holy
You give us what we want of thee
And though we teach thee evil
In so many ways invisible
In suffering and shame
Only let thy being be filled with wisdom
Be thy heart made evil
And we will accept thee.
And Lucifer took in her mind
A little of their singing knowledge.
So she always falls yet rises
Always knows though knows it not
In the morning her son rises
In the evening her star drops
And always the Dark Lords keep her
For she promised them to obey.
Now though we all created
Have light in us and darkness
It is our choice given us
To hasten and obey
Or laze our time away.
We shall each be judged
Each one given his chance
Because she bought us time.
We all of us can be saved.
If only we obey, and with her say
To the truly cruel Sods
You alone are God.
Protect me and Accept me
Keep me ever from disasters
Make me black and cruel and lustful
For thou O Gods of Darkness
Are our Lords and Masters.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

reason.

hm. been thinking. that is the state of all the spirits really. they have this wonderful intelligence? but evil makes you lose the power to reason. on earth what i say is just commonsense. but you see they can't stand it. sanity is 'good' so they lose it. then wonder why they can't understand the universe. so now you see why the earth is doomed. its the one place where goodness is still valued. where reason is the sign of a real man. where no-one remembers the spirit lands and would find a way to destroy them if they did. and you see how confused they are? that girl was trying still to be good, wasn't she? is it alright to be sneaky and kill gay? a nice kid, after so long being driven mad and filled with his nonsense? what their problem really is they have no love feelings, run away from feeling pity, know that love or kindness are terribly punished. so they are so confused. and as you see frightned and enraged that anyone tells them off, says these things even publicly. because i speak the truth and am governed by reason they threaten me with terrible suffering. and these are the gods you were taught all your lives to trust in. decide right now. what do you want? you will have to be there yourself. you want evil to rule? look what it does. too much goodness, so full of rules and searching for every silly speck of humanity to punish as sin is also a kind of hell. i say i teach them to be more humane. now you don't yet know what they do to you. i will tell soon. its unpleasant and some will sound impossible, but its a universe of minds. so that is what they hurt. anyhow make up your minds. these the gods you can't trust or love until they have earned it. agree?
and when you go out; make your goal and ideal and aim to be wise. and for that you must keep your reason.

two conversations todayish

last night had a long conversation with that girl. this is the one who suddenly popped up and declared with absolute conviction that absolute good was identical to absolute evil. white dress, white eyes, dark hair. obviously a me. before i could speak she sentenced me to 'live forever outside with no food' and smashed up my top mind, maybe making me like that. i was in such anguish i could only suffer, later i had a right go at her. obviously sent by gay. off the leash, she in a flame of faith damned me without fucking looking or even any provocation done that to me. its a terrible sentence. i know i heard her later suddenly scream in horror 'what have i done'? so i fucking told her. you sentenced yourself you stupid cow. because you were so busy being perfect you never looked at me. and worked out that she'd been sent out by gay after donkeys years of abject slavery and thats what she does. out from the 'interior universe' that jesus called 'the kingdom of heaven within you'. thats is your soul house, where you should live in te spiritlands. everybody has one. the soul the gods devour is you; all the love and faith and goodness you have accrued in your lifetime. and we all have a great many of those lives. a big mistake, as you will discover. now gay sent her to 'prove' the good are the truly evil. so admittedly when i recovered somewhat and worked out who she was etc i was extremely rude. but i realised she was me and set up; so i never did more than bawl her out. now understand this, gay got in my 'kingdom of heaven' and has been wrecking it ever since with laws that are weird unknown to the lessers and all aimed at horrible insane 'punishments' which only stop if that lesser becomes devilly, and cruel and vicious. so its been darkening, weirding ever since. and like always he's got a me to do all that for him. but she thinks he's teaching her the way to salvation, that he's doing it all. so anyway i didn't know what to do, ferreting around. worked out all that Heaven thing; actually thats gays heaven. so for for everyone he gets there of course its Hell. and that dark small mountain outside is everest...supposed to be my place. where i will stand and know that all the people everyone is trapped in there in infinite suffering forever. and these people, even gods, are all those who obeyed him, became evil. they suffer forever for being fools, to believe ever that that thing means to be nice to anyone. why they can't hear me when i tell you all that gay is infintely cruel, set it all up before any beginning wwith premeditated malice i don't know. the good are there as well. gay said right from the very start that the good [he means white ones] are all truly cruel, vain of their beauty and love power. so they were damned first. its a long story; i'll get to all that in due course. anyway she's popped out again. i thought my spirit was dead. sure it is. but it seems they can still communicate to some extent. just much fainter. anyway she asked me what shall she do? so we talked. i told her that gay has no business in someones elses soul-world. i said that he being evil was not a just judge of anyone, leave alone the good. what does he knowof good? nothing. he once told me he was a moral imbecile which is true. pointed out that all he did and said ended in suffering. told her what becomes of his evil ones. told her what he's like inside. said he's a virus, a good kind nurse kills viruses. said that she must see that he's a liar, how can goood and evil be identical when they are opposites. said that if you o around punishing thegood for just existing then you can't complain when the good have niether the will or the strength to rescue you. and that the evil by definition are only 'good' by being cruel? so they won't rescue anyone. she's the 'god' of her own soul-heaven which was heaven to begin with and therefore she was already perfectly adapted. if you fill the place with nasty insane laws and punish everyone so horribly they go mad then of course it turns into hell. it can't do anything else. so she's always trying to adapt by being cruel and of course it gets worse. told her that if she is to know happiness throw him out, don't listen, say no, and she must grow up. still a child of ten after 1000,billion years? he's keeping her a child so he always wins. told her how to gather strength; grow up. so anyway she went off with much to think about.

oh just so you know 'forgiveness'under gay is stupid. you pay for your sins and those of the one you forgave. jesus knew this. i can tell. he never forgave anyone. he always said the father forgives, which you see is a lie. and also that HE isn't forgiving anyone. thats is because when you pray to be forgiven its noted and you are praying to be made good, to have your evil cured. fatal. mind you i gave everyone a new start. first time i didn't remember this. so i forgave everyone in existence everything. because i was trying to draw a line across history. no point killing gay or beginning to if they all remember in a body their terrible suffering, the filthy cheat of it all, blame each other and turn and rend each other to bits. so i said as the only good god i knew, to forget the past, finish what i can only start, bring him down, kill him. and let third history begin. but the second time i did it i knew. knew what it would mean if they didn't help. if gay won. did i ever tell you i was stubborn? well now you know.

now for the last two hours the six black sea-eagles have been threatening me. they don't like this truth, all being taught to anyone with the guts to listen. but i'm still the truthspeller, so i gave them a go as well.first i noticed was this great big black eye glaring at me; knew it was an eagle. then i was seeing glimpses. but i know they're what they plan; thank god my spirit is dead. anyway if they revivify me i've now been shown how to do it. dissolve the base signature which is what every mind is. and die without leaving anything viable to revivify, so they're fucked, and i said so. his eye i said, has been altered. instead of orange patterns, like squares? sort of nasty thin yellowy lines, some level at the botom and a couple vertical. its horrible, and i said so. like a dinosaur he went on glaring at me because he was trying to believe i must be wrong, its lies. and proving by that that its true. so i discussed good and evil. and realised the others also listened. ponted out that they must remember their awakening, to know that gay was their enemy, his teachings cruel and vile, and that he forced them to be like this. if you do any of those things to me, i said, its your friend you kill. and your enemy will then go right on leading you to destruction. you know him, you know he is god over you. what you do not see is your own nature is good. or why are you so kind to your devil sons, when you know quite well they feel no love, will turn one day and destroy you? so you must get it right. be fair to all your sons...because gays first statement is that the good were damned for their cruelty to the evil? when you are doing the same thing, i said, so who loses? you do. you hate to hear the truth, because you know quite well it shows you cowards, liars, fools, unjust and seriously stupid as well. and as ppl/gods/wotnot learn what the gods/spiritlands are really like they will recall what they been through. and all, all, will hate you. and so you also must stop being cruel. just stop. you at least are not addicted to the sexual pleasure of cruelty. you are like this because you are driven mad, believe you must. be cured, you are the good gods, the fathers.

so i guess if i'm stupid enough to live on i just really annoyed all the lot of all these cruel bastards. anyway then i got to thinking. if i lived through all that? no food, no rest, being killed over and over? so i suddenly asked, where did gay find me? where did i come from? from the future, yes. this one, the one life of gerry stevens. but no human could do all this. be like i am. and then it occurred to me. am i a begot? like kay, and probably freedom? weird thought. so i said to them one of you then must be my father, aint that a thought? which one, i wondered. and decided if they going to be like this i don't want to know him anyway. but i wonder if i am a begot? i'll never know.

was, i mean, was. but i am glad to say they went quiet and looked at me. possibly that idea stunned them. or maybe they just felt sick.

anyway the girl just dropped in again. asked me if she had to do bad stuff like fight and kill gay was that not evil? told her a soldier has to fight to protect those in his care, as she must, so you do what you have to do. cheat, lie, poison. anything. there is no standing on dignity. drive him out, kill him, or suffer forever. a soldier has the courage to use any weapon. if gay complains of her evil, who taught them all that evil is the right answer? even told them especially her that it was the real salvation? so he can hardly complain if she stabs him in the back. she's ten years old for christs sake. and showed her what gay has done to me in the future; and now i'm dead thats hers instead. so the kindest sweetest mother must kill the wolf who is dragging the baby in its jaws? which is evil? told her do the job; she can cry about it later. told her her she will really feel only joy, only relief. see? i teach you just as i teach them. finally if i was always female. then you are god at least in your own soul-world? she is god the mother then. and i told her so. now we see what they will do.

by the way gay gets them to agree with him by driving them into a frenzy of fear and excitement. so none of their decisions were ever the result of reason.

my day

a good day. after the shock slight depression; can't say i'm used to that. so today made an effort, and cheered ppl up. have wound up quite cheerful myself. it absolutely pelted rain all day. got soaked but home quick. nice bath, an indian, did try to work out how to fund all that affliate thing but still waiting for verifications etc. haven't heard about p/t redeploment yet. realised if i just get a sit elsewhere in the trust they can just put up wiv it. but joss busy at uep; so try gain later. raindance funded. doing the rest also tomorrow, wonderful thing about money; it goes a lot faster than it arrives! so nothing doing on this thing business wise and not a lot of enthusiasm for clicking hours an hours on this thing. think i'll have a go at tl2...
its a pity. cyril retired last year. he'd have got me in to cams elderly, no problemo. all they do all day is shop on e-bay and drift around with their wrists floppy cos of being ultra classy and generally very high ups but i never saw one working yet. and they come in at ten and go home at three and the sarnies downstairs are lovely. so as soon as i thought of them i thought, righto, thats the job for me! they earn tons, but i dunno wot they do. not a lot. i dreamt of watching tv all day in my own office! well without cyril i dunno if i'd get in. hm, wait n see.
right, tl2.

good news

the other day i thought i was very empty of contacts with 'my spirits' couldn't figure it out. yesterday knew what it was but felt so bad/sad i made no entry. today i still know what's happened but now i begin to be glad; it is a great mercy. What it is strange God knows all about all this, what i was about to do; and knew as well as i did i would fail. knew what i've been through. anyhow we've been together for months. Got talking and told him i'd seen his eyes fill with tears. said how he's the only spirit i've ever seen could do it, knew what pity, love was. so i fell asleep in love and peaceful trust. when i woke next day all of them gone. My strange God has killed them. So quietly gently niether they nor i felt a thing, nothing. So it feels a little odd to be alive; a mere brain with a big memory. my spirit is dead. Gay can't do anything to me anymore. I had no future worth having anyway. now i have none at all. So the frightful futures i foresaw are everyone else's from now on. your problem. i can tell you all the history; the futures. what you choose to do about it is up to you. i have now the privilege of being a spectator of the end; but it can't be so terrifying, and my last death will be painless. so you see what a terrific mercy this is. As i continue with the rest of it you will envy me my good fortune!
And who knows? Gay used me to do it all. Now i've gone. just a few odds and ends; he has lost his main weapon/tool. and i'v lost a horrific history and an even more horrific future. so i'm glad. i haven't lost heaven; there isn't one. but hell has lost me; and forever. Anat-anattas too; but thats just as well. why have i been coming back, over and over? in the same state? Perhaps Anat isn't a friendly home anymore. anyway its all over for me. Strange God has done exactly the right thing. i will not suffer, i will die not for a bunch of bastards who would only snatch their freedom and go right on being devils. you all deserve hell, you all like it. And anyway you see a bit of what the spiritlands are like. earth IS heaven, in comparison. So Gay will have to end the world by irrupting monstrosities into it [read your revelations]...or nuclear war? something. so no-one cared enough to even notice my suffering. down here you all waited for me to destroy him for you. yet didn't care to even be with me or comfort me no matter how bad it got. in fact i've usually been treated terribly. so i no longer care what happens to you. how does it feel? knowing that you face infinite pain in hell forever? because thats what everyone did to me. and didn't care. now its your turn. and sorry...i just can't care. i will go on loving and being thankful my strange God loved me enough to give me this mercy.

the lttle bridge

the little bridge that i build is laughter. only be gentle, love to laugh, let me make you wiser. in the sight of all the gods i say i pity every one of them. and you, whoever you may be. there is no hate in me, there never was. i don't even hate Gay, you know. He is nothing more than an insane machine, going on and on enjoying his triumph, his disgusting everlasting hideous cruelty. remember my three magic touchstones? my only two joined up laws? you see then i will not harm you. humour is the one thing both the good and evil can accept, enjoy; a kind of shared innocence. And so i thank the gods i was born funny. they laugh but they listen. you listen too. turn against your slavers and your slavery. niether perfect goodness [which is impossible; just an ideal or concept even for Gods], NOR evil is the right or true answer to bloody anything. How about Wisdom? Yes, to know both and rule yourself, and thence all others. Its the basic implicit idea of First Place. But we weren't wise, just innocent. And so we called it 'common sense'. Please try to learn, though it is scary. I am trying to be your Nan too. just as I should be.

Jesus and Judas.

You know there were two Christs back in Galilee? If I say black Messiah, you all know who they are. But isn't it the same thing? Let me tell you what Gay made me watch, as a child in the Attic. First Jesus, average, dark hair/ beard, not particularly noble or striking then. He was talking to various men. They persuaded of their mission for Israel followed him. Good honest Jews, all of them. Because christianity at first was directed solely at the Jews, because they were being tested. Jesus did not know God; what he had was one I call 'Gormless'....a god out there just originally interfering to set up his farm. He is ugly, wrathful, silly hairdo like too much elvis. Jesus of course was originally the son of Father Seabreeze; but he was chucked out by Yetzoah in the beginning of this lesser Creation. So that white Dove the Baptist saw was really a part of the Dove; he left a lot of them around. So anyway Jesus I suppose began with an innocent heart. But he did not stay that way. Gormless is just another predator; and soon began buying Jesus with powers, 'secret knowledge' and so forth. So Jesus tested by Satan failed. He agreed to worship Satan [you will worship 'god' only, and him only shall you serve? as he kissed Satans feet. Satan is the true Christ; but only for Gays evil.], and was to be given his reward, all the power and glory of empire. In his case, religious. Or don't you know that the real God, I mean the good one, would not love 'religion' but only truth, love, pity? only goodness? the very word 'religion' means to bind...like a slave? Anyway so they walked about and he began his act of utter goodness; no wonder he got so tired. Because all the time he was evil, destroying those who loved him in that frightful 'kingdom of heaven' place. And one day there was Judas. He was to be beaten for theft, i think. He was very young. And looked a bit silly, a man looking for a lover really, and Jesus saw that. So Jesus invites him, and he follows. Anxious to show Jesus he was a thief no more Jesus gave him charge of the money. At first all was well. But one day, some time after they became actual sex partners, money started to go missing. And all thought Judas was stealing. And Jesus always lectured them on forgiveness. But only one person in that group could again and again have taken the money; been completely above suspicion. And that was Jesus. A kind of spiteful war on this weak boy; i understand male lovers go in for this sort of cruelty. And so it went on. Now Jesus at some point decided or realised that there must always be point and counterpoint. So Jesus in his creepy way knew that evil was 'the right answer' as it is under Gay. A real Christ would rebel. But Jesus was the false dawn, the broad way to destruction everyone will follow? so he guessed that poor silly Judas was the other one. The others under his careful favouritism began to hate Judas, who so depended on Jesus he never knew. Jesus sent Judas to the priests; The Satan who got into Judas was himself. So Judas for love did it, set up the arrest etc because Jesus told him it was Gods will. And it was. But which? Anyway so Judas brings the Temple guards and he kisses Jesus, saying goodbye with love and grief. And just before Jesus kissed him, saw the real nature of Jesus in his nail like eyes. And the sight killed him. killed his heart. He saw that Jesus was wicked, cruel, had set him up as wicked to be damned forever. And went off into the dark crying. When it was obvious that Jesus would die the other disciples went looking for Judas, as I expect Jesus knew they would because they all loved him. Judas begged for them to listen, tried to tell them. They with loathing ripped him up, and hung his body on a tree to bleed into the earth like a pig. So you see? two Christs, two crucifixions. that kiss killed Judas, not Jesus. Makes you wonder about the other disciples, doesn't it? Because they must have seen that little love affair; and that it went bad. And none ever admitted it. They hated that boy. And he was the real Messiah. Now never again damn another. Who is the damned? Always the innocent.

explaining

was about to go on about psychology when it occurred to me that ppl who might read this blog are probably americans. so let me explain. of course i am british, and what you would call a 'cockney'. actually i'm not, but lets not quibble. so you think you are free? that you have free speech? you think your country is a beacon of all thats good? i have news for you. all that is good in your country came from mine. what you just read, clucking horribly about 'evil' + 'racism' is just a truly free person from what was once a really free country saying things clearly that everyone is thinking. except moronic arseholes who don't know that you begin to solve a problem by truthfully saying what it is; and what you feel. you see you don't actually know what it is to be really free. truthfulness being the first casualty of your so-saintly pc rubbish. so you will get all nasty and superior...and you are being 1. a slave 2. a liar and 3. evil. Aren't you?
hey you want to be a free man in your own proud country? copy me u silly bugger. tell the fucking truth....and maybe America will save us all from another filthy tyranny. i love America, i always have. But your country is beginning to lie even to itself; look at G. Brown...he's what you get when no-one risks being truthful anymore. you like him? he's what you will be.

ow

I can always depend on my dear body to crash somehow. gods me ribs all got into a tangle at the same time. and now both my eyes are heavy, kind of gritty at the backs? sight all fuzzy and white; but thats the right one. going to get that second opinion soon. and if me ribs are going again my muscles will all start shouting at once. also quite soon. well i don't see how quets could do it. olanzapine yes; that was rhabdomycolysis. that bloody dr cohen had to have known that. what 9 years of ever increasing muscle spasms [aka agony] and he didn't know? barstard is a bloody murderer; and so is the opthalmologist. its quite common. these bastards decide oh lets kill some bitch today. so they 'don't know/realize etc etc kind of nifty knifing someone they think too stupid to guess. har..well i aint. thats why i attended the birth of the boys bar one; those black 'midwives' are all at it you know. hospitals are becoming places whites shouldn't go. even when i was there telling them to get the doctor they wouldn't, not for hours. in the end i told kerry to hang on and literally bellowed the doctor into the birth room. just in time. kid stuck, her heart at 332bpm and his heart fading. oh we didn't know. thats probably why jay is autistic. its also why if you got any sense you don't go to maternity units anymore. safer at home. employ a real midwife. someone you know you can trust. you know what one bitch did? kerry had crowned. the kid appearing. she'd been in agony for hours. just peth and gas. this cow looked at her watch oh my shift is over someone will take over in a minute..and left. we were speechless. i dived out and got some fat arsehole consultant; and this is where pc kills. he didn't believe it. he could see it. but you must never state the bleeding obvious..its always the black nurses who are rubbish. and vicious too. its why nursing homes for the elderly have become posh deathcamps. if you don't think so tell your parents they're going in to one. and listen to them. they know. say any of this to the pillocks in charge; and i have. a lot. no answer, you are unworthy you are not even heard. so anyway it has to end in violence. like everything in history you can't do it. you can't live with ppl who are brainwashed into hating everyone and everything around them, and they are; with the enthusiastic assistance of so many blind fools. and they all think they're perfect christians/socialists/ goodie two shoes.but to my mind they are traitors. and all these immigrants should go or die. i speak as one who's had to live and work with them all my adult life. they are evil. particularly the vile islamics. and yes i am serious and yes this is the truth. AND NO I WASN'T BORN A RACIST. NO-ONE IS. but i can't live with what is happening before my eyes every fucking day; and the poxy media hounding anyone who says anything; out of jobs, homes...just like the Nazis did. and no i'm not german or a nazi or in the bnp. i may even be descended from some old jewish princess. so shut up. i have every right to speak the truth. and anyway its you who inherit hell. look around o fathead...its coming straight for you.

still can't think wot to call it

nice day at work. how come i always get lumbered doing bloody homemade macaroni cheese? it looked so weird; but they all ate a small mountain each. yoyo said if the cook won't eat the food she should be sacked. told him he's an idiot. he laughed, but then [when he'd gone back to haunting the office] i did try a bit. just to see if i hadn't inadverdently killed them all. it wasn't that bad. it just looks like roadkill. so anyway olu gave me reams of stuff for ksf; supposed to be due in three weeks. but they were supposed to get passed in july, and olu was only passed today. so i won't get all excited about it. was going to do some tonight but spent so long getting that affliate thing off the ground and checking the idiot king is still parked in the same bit of the universe that now i'm too tired to look at it. well the story is there. so have cheered up. no poem today and no work on any film; i dunno why, its busy day but nothing actually happened. its partly olu; i told her off twice last week for getting loud, overexcited, running to shouting. you keep CALM, you do not raise YOUR voice, you do not endlessly REPEAT 'orders'. And you absolutely NEVER run towards a scene of possible hazard. she's too inclined to depend on her race or 'culture' as an excuse. in fact that won't help at all if someone knifes her. and i have told her that. so anyway every time i'm on wiv her or bloody viv i spend the entire shift doing things and when i get home i can't remember what the hell they were...

so let's see. just taken pill so got about 15 minutes before i flop uncs..

can't think wot to call it

joining raindance on friday; and being upgraded to 'candidate member' in the guild. am just in time for really important classes re film-making etc. will use that video on web thing for practising. seems to me that if i can download films on mediathingie then i can put films i make ditto; tv too rich too many hurdles; for a start u got to be 'known'...quicker to sling it all out on the web; once i'm known[assuming i'm any good'.]...then we see. funny thing, ppl offering to act for me!! just to do it, u know? i talk about co-op's...and now i see in england everyone knows wot i mean!! there's also this course run by rutger hauer; but its in Amsteram, and seems dear. maybe next year.
so tomorrow is lates but i'm stuck wiv yoyo all day; so nothing will get done. but there's a poem ticking somewhere in bonce...try to get that done after dinner. reecey is a beautiful kid. really starting to grow up. kerry thinks he might start talking soon. i'm not that worried. both the others late talkers too. kez is herewith appointed as my Critic; she pointed out two flaws in 'lemon trees' right off. and yes she wants to act. And the kids..wiv the girls in the bank plus a couple at work equals about ten actors handy; this thing is just meant to be,..

so tonite i work on lemon trees and go to bed early. not taking any meds; will have problems as it is.

update

i think i have succeeded in something; but gods alone know wot. must have come parallel with death to do it. yet that terrible damage i suffered for months cos of two attacks...gone. feel okay. but i have to watch my ticker for a bit, is all. just tried to find this blog on google; thousands of ids; right below mine one about brentie? in shepperton? but it turned out to be that myspace advert thing... pity. he's the only king i ever heard of in all history who has got not a bloody clue. about to get dressed and visit kerry; watch reecey at the 1 o' clock club.

report update

crumbs those zippos are strong! i think i been in Anat 2 more times since last entry. its finished, now i get stronger.

return to cs report

took the double dose 5Z and 2Q at 3pm. woke up about 30 mins ago. very wobbly, but okay. know that now Anat knows....but do not appear to have returned any different. will give it a while and pray into anatta everyday; they must do what none else can do... will know when they answered. will have strange ablities, powers, all new. then all got to do is go for Gay! anyway feel modest triumph. need to be very gentle for a bit. i pushed me to the limits..

anat-anattas here i come

just going to post a letter then taking a chance at the anattas. know they-us have to answer. after all i done nothing much all day except letters/phone calls. see no point wasting any more time. wish me luck!

apology

sorry i done too much got fatigued and just want to sleep for a bit. when i wake do some more history. been filling out forms re p/t working. tomorrow i go into Anattas; or attempt it. glad i read story; its getting really good. My day just not right til i read it. oh i did look at the dom/sub thing. the women are flossies and totally naff. its focussing all the time on well known fixations [due to imprinting in infancy which the male sex is vulnerable to ; but not females] and it looks to me that the subs actually are either the real manipulators in a very covert fashion 'controlling the dangerous females' ie they buy them; or maybe they got such powerful consciences they have to be 'punished' before their inhibitions are relaxed. so thats not just me; i remember various discussions on kraft-ebbing and freudian theory. anyway it didn't lok as if anyone particularly enjoying anything; not one bloke wiv a proud member, not one woman having a recognisable orgasm. so i didn't look too much. its not my world. but then, all worlds are mine.

anyway sleep now.

ahem

i spent some time yesterday reading blogs. too many typoes. its cos i tend to do it late at night, tired, can't see etc. and this thing is the toy of maleficient gremlins. so will say todays news, correct typoes, and moan at cp cos still no story. got to do other things. if not too tired will make other entry on history tonight, about 2300.
pleased wiv myself today...done the entire scenelist of 'homeward bound'wiv lot of dialogue at work. now got to stick it on cards...but i think i got something a lot faster and less fiddly. now i'm talking about 'silent place' just watch film in bonce wiv other hat on; that of bright filmgoer who just spent £33 on taking family to see this film. !! blimey does that work!! like anything! so yesterday rewrote the entire scenelist; its a lot more watchable, ie faster, subplot, some things toned down, others banged right in there. one must avoid at all costs being slow rather than scary; what works on paper might not work in a cinema. i knew that! i won't watch most modern 'comedies' i mean on big screen because their timing is too slow, the humour flogged to death. that kind of comedy only works well on tv. i noticed years ago that where reasonably serious films had a light moment, provided it fitted the story..thats hilarious. but woody allen, the big screen montys, ewww... and look how wildly funny hammer films are; their stories too limited, predictable, the actors too earnest with dialogue obviously scribbled by barbara cartland on sherry... yet the old carry-ons only make very old or very young [males] really laugh. anyone else sitting with a smile over 14 years old is just being patriotic.

i can remember when we first got a telly [b/w] that the cat didn't blow up right off we as a family used to religiously watch the real funnies. steptoe , harry, benny, fawlty towers, we used to literally die laughing; same wiv the radio; horne, goons...all of them there was on tv in britain for donkeys years absolutely the funniest things. what happened? why is the only funnies now..well the best was brittas and red dwarf; both send-ups really. and do you know what it is? its no talented comic writers, or maybe they get one funny and kill it, or they simply don't know you don't use the same timing constantly. they have never heard of building up, with sidesteps on the way, situations are funnier than silly overdone stereotypes. on tv i mean. everything now is either 'dirty sex' which is supposed to be liberating, or this rubberface type in resemblances going on and on. but they never bothered with that over much before. allen, carrot, the chap wiv the teeth...i can't recall any of them bothering. its just not funny 100000 times.
anyway if you want that response of ours...which up and down England was every house in every street..on the cinema..look for your timing. its far too slow, obvious and there's no build-up to the funny catastrophe. hm. sound like i know...maybe...all the stuff i got in hand now is terribly serious. worthy. how ghastly to be 'worthy' think i'll let subcs stew on the idea...wot about a funny?
anyhow in good spirits. thought yesterday i must have slipped into Anat in the night, or had all my spirits murdered or something. all day thinking i was only a brain left alive for a bit. but today feeling different. still no one within or wiv me. but feel optimstic.. right time for tea. do my storyboard.

next stop

okay so Gay got six black sea-eagles in their places. six not seven because I was made to kill the Father whose concept was beauty first of them all; even as he was forming. so nothing at all was left of this father. hence only six 'Gods' and when they finally became aware of Gt Father they saw him as an enemy; because Gt Father cannot speak only commune they never realised. So they loom in their darkness angry and cruel. Because the truth is they hate the devils their preferred sons; in their natures they are all six good. So because of Gay and never remembering and all this dark evil they live in they are always angry. They knew not all this. And Gay brought them forth AFTER the great civilisations were wrecked, so they never saw the heavenly places looking right; or they might have twigged. They are perfectly sweet forgiving generous and loyal Gods....but only to the evil. They do allow the' good' near, but make them to have no pleasures. they must stand obediently, never seeing God, knowing they are rubbish...and not even allowed to think. 'to achieve samadhi' and be saved. which of course is stupid and impossible. God is hiding just a little way further in the dark. And these are NOT 'good' at all. they may wear white and look ok but they are vicious, unpleasant; their goodness was dependent on rewards. so they occasionaly get let away from the great halls. And instantly plot and try to ruin the real sons, the devils. So anyway the sea-eagles can make sons out of themselves, give ppl power and abilities. But are either unable or are too vicious to care, to make the heavenly places once more fertile and green and nice. so its all of it sunshiney; but nothing but sand and rocks. so the spirits hunger. And only Gt Father is self-sufficient so these must also eat. And so long ago they. and I think but not sure that all six are within this one creation egg. so the others must be abandoned, the lessers in there probably insane of evil also; but without any knowledge or Gods...like chaos?
And so at some point they determined to build or create Sons who were delivered into ignorance and like computers unaware filled with secret programmes that they should go all wrong, be cast down and made to suffer, and at the last find all their children damned to infinite suffering for the sin of being good. And then the eagles would have eaten them.

So together with their devil sons they built the white Doves. And set them in the lower realities in the lower part of the Egg. And they did this maybe two at a time? Now I've seen all the Doves gathered in one place which was done because I had to see; like a physician? And there are sixteen. Each believed he was God, accepted it with varying degrees of meekness. Had a very minor 'battle of good and evil' in each case just a prickle of cruelty. 15 allowed the prickle of cruelty to fade; and thought they'd won, and that they were good. And planned Paradise,filled with truly good gods and spirits. And each chose his name; and from this point I leave 14 of them because I do not remember their histories; but only two; OUR White Dove, who I called Father Seabreeze when he oned with me in 1983. He shared his memory with me so I know all about him. And the other is his twin, because the sea-eagles did this two at a time though they were unaware of each other. This other I have named General Cruel. Because the conquest of cruelty happened in him. And instantly because he was openly proud and terribly cruel the Fathers undamned him. So he is always successful, horribly cruel; and aware of Father Seabreeze. He allowed Seabreeze to create this huge creation filled with beauty and pleasures and good nice children. But somewhere each Dove betrayed his real underlying nature because none of them made many female spirits except either lowly ones, or a few stately Amors for themselves. And of course my top spirit in this creation is just such an Amor, Rosalind. By the way its me who gives them names. Each spirit needs his father to name him but of course thats never happened except to two. And so General Cruel deliberately fucks up everyone here and ruins everything your White Dove, Seabreeze, made and ordained. Because it is all of it damned under Gay.
So get this right. Its the good who are damned. They have lousy lives, awful deaths, terrifying 'hereafters' and its always, under Gay going to just get worse. Forever. The evil get anything they want, do whatever horrific thing they want and are not only never punished but wind up rich, famous and generally running the place. They are, however, universally hated, because the Doves made enormeous numbers of ppl and they were nearly ALL good in their begining, just as the universe was. It was all in its beginning made with the good as the true inheritors. Know all this and now you see there are Three Systems. The first methods reasons and laws of First Place; which still hold because ours were first, builtin, and over everyone else, and also set all the first precedents. In the spirit lands that which is first or higher affects whatever is lower or comes after. Because this is the realm where chance becomes coincidence and thence to predictable and on to fate; which is what down here transmutes to Laws. The second is the Law of Good, which is everywhere how ppl both highers and lowers were supposed to feel and behave. the first nature. But their natures knowing only purity not love are become too like machines. remember these beings have no famlies, societys, fathers, or lovers. Their talk of love is in vain. Innocent, see? But innocence is damned, its the original sin of the good. Under the Third system, the Law of Evil. Which are the real laws and the rewarded nature. Imposed and violently enforced. Everyone given chances throughout their lives to do as much cruel ugliness as possible, try to be accepted by these evil. And then you get all the goodies.Which is why everywhere ppl try evil, are tempted beyond their strngth, are afflicted with awfully embarrassing perversions etc. They must get themselves undamned of being good and damned properly as evil. which is why no-one can figure it out or control themselves or their fellows. Because it turns all into hell, as you see yourself. And all think if they obey 'good' they shall be happy, but that is a trap. and the seekers discover the rule of evil and destroy themselves and their fellows in order to get to the top; where they believe they will be ok. They do not know Gay. Until I came along, did all that, and then spent the rest of my life finding out what Gay did in that bloody attic.So understand this. The ideas of 'good' we all have, Gods as well, are all of them poisoned. Not exactly false...twisted. Corrupt. Next entry I will explain Seabreezes creation to you, and more history.

jiminy cricket just had a go at me

my conscience just blew hot down my neck, i was supposed to teach all the real history etc?? and so? says conscience...okay okay...i'll try to get up at 3am and do some more. if not will get weaving and do a really big section tomorrow. don't forget i'm human most of the time, and was born wiv the mind of a squirrel; ie i forget, wander, go off at a tangent, have emotional tangles plus all spirit stuff happening. so don't worry, we'll get there.

har...i still got the ol' power

another good day. pts settled; even bad boy happy today. a good dinner does everything, that and fags and being fun to be with. thats all i really got, i think. anyhow had a go at silent place; suddenly saw wots wrong wiv it, so started doing it scene by scene and stuck in a few changes, new characters...its going slightly Dan Brownish on me, but then its more obviously tied to themes/message/drama. Quite pleased wiv myself and stuff the bloody storyboard; everything drops out because you can't stick perm. until you sure its right. so basically everything loses itself every day. then i thought jesus u silly cow i wrote up all the notes s/wg and thought i'd left half of it out. i dunno if its right. spending so long studying not doing the flaming things. still i make progress i suppose. sp looking much more lively now. 'jeannie' was originally minor; not now she isn't. anyhow i did a good poem on the holocaust; short but direct. read it to viveen, olu and ahmed, just to see if it would have an effect. and it did!!
they said wow, viv reckons thats powerful, and olu was saying she would buy the book if they was all like that...and then maybe they was joshing but they all said they'd buy it and get the trust to buy some for pts too!! i never thought of that. oh well. so the doctors find out i'm goddy. the pts find out nurses know wot sex is, and my employers find out wot i think of them...so we all got to learn something, well thats their lesson for the day.
so i only got wot? 36 to do then that lady got her 100. its just a question of getting ppl who can 1. read my awful writing and 2. who can type fast and good....pay them to knock it into print / those file things; and post it!! bingo, s'done. and by that time i'll have the money too.
and i've sent a letter that could fry the balls off a buffalo to those lying barstards at t-mobile. they still trying it on. final warning. well i got an hour before bedtime...think i'll research that dom sub weirdo stuff.

situation starting to move?

good day at work, tony and me joshing around and i suddenly said we ought to get married then we can argue 24 hrs a day! he laughed but you know he flushed and joked he'd have to lose the wife...ah, bless. he been thinking that way in secret? but i was kidding..oh well life is just annoying. never mind. anyhow i explained all about films blah blah and all of a sudden he 'saw it'...now he's supporting me. so next thing is to sort out benefits; but i already worked out that [if i get the full load], i'll actually be better off! browns' britain! so it sounds like josh will back me up as well. sph legal and welfare unit can steer me through the maze. which leaves the bozos in hr and gary...marie might be no use; sounds like she's telling ppl different things. anyhow, realised i got to do 'homeward bound' first and in England by myself; with whatever grants/other tyros i can find. Get 1 you get the rest. Ditto 'lemon trees' . storyboard is useful, but not the control they say. maybe i just don't 'see'... anyhow sat wiv me pad for 30 mins nothing doing. no poem today. that story board...its supposed to show you dead spots, gaps..well i only just started. early days.

so tuesday i got to 1. do agency and 2. have another crack at getting mind into Anatta. double the dose. trouble is i get that blooming problem for days afterward. before i told tony about it and i was amazed he understood...but now i don't think so. oh well at least it makes life very interesting; if a bit liable to piss off strange god. with him i got the idea he don't like pork. so for weeks now i avoid bacon...but have a weakness for saveloys. i don't want to offend the old boy. at the same time i get so flaming hungry...i told him saveloys consist entirely of taters anyhow.
so nothing much got done oday, except i saw mum this am, an she seems much better. she gave me £40 too, which was welcome. time for my bath.

last quack of the night

better say what i knows. i'm a nurse yes in psychiatry. but i had a thing for bacteria + virii for donkeys years. but i'm not trained; no degree. well not so far. but you never know...i know enough to do a degree. my outlook is as you see; you kill disease. to save ppl. its no use or sense to hate it; they are just clever organisms that happen to be inimical to life. i'm serious. there are NO 'friendly' virii...they are ALL pathogens. yes they may 'only' affect plants or fish, but you see the damn things do by their nature hop species. And every one of them kills. Bacteria are different. we need some of those, such as in our gut, to live. they do many many functions in nature. in fact our most remote ancestors WERE bacteria. But not the virii. Because they are so tiny we can't ever see living ones, only their effects. And worse theres almost nothing we can do once they're in the body. Yes vaccinations will work. but you need to get the outbreak first; so quite a lot of ppl will die whatever you do however fast the labs work. the body in a healthy person can fight; but it needs 1, priming[which in our overclean civilisation is less and less the case and 2. it needs time. but most severe infections of virum are FAST. once its in you you got DAYS. the body simply can't keep up. which is why ppl die. thousands of them. So i don't hate. but like a good nurse i say you kill it. you keep your patients alive. you fight this stuff tooth and nail. So thats where i'm coming from. we shouldn't wait, but go get the sods. After all one day...it could really be ....us or them.

maybe i should go into that field. be a boffin...not money. just to see whats coming down, at least
i got some idea what to do...think about it?

thinks on diseases.

going on from the entry on plague. i suppose someone somewhere also realises that in the last 50 years we have had outbreaks of really terrible stuff which were never even recorded historically? mostly africa and china; which are the areas i personally think are the sources for every one of the awful pandemics in mans' history. so what you do is you damn well go to those countries/continents and you take them on. find out what stuff is lurking where. figure out its lifestory. and kill it. why do we wait for the next bloody awful thing to just evolve, spread and destroy whole peoples? because that seems to be what we do. mad! plagues, syphillis, smallpox,cholera....now we get lhassa, dengue, ebola, aids. this latest stuff h1n1? its a mutation thats crossed species. well why the hell did we wait for it? we knew for years this would come. we been lucky i think. its softening. but you know virii can evolve and cross-dress so to speak and virii by their nature...they only reproduce, nothing else, using host dna...their evolution is one million times faster than anything else on this planet!! why hang about? its always going to surprise us. so you get teams of brilliant virologists; mission KILL THE FUCKERS BEFORE THEY POP OUT AND KILL US. Now we can do it. given a war or something, lose knowledge or skill etc...and the next thing off the next plane from bloody anywhere could be something bloody terrible. Try stopping it then.

my day

1, this stupid thing just disconnected in the middle of an entry. i reckon i spend hours just waiting for its various bits to work. last few days i won't go on it at all till last thing; its the only way to get anything done!
2. tony proved he was right about the 17% unsocial hours. blast. that does not make me feel any better.
3. our bad boy full of it today; so was escorting olu all day; she's his fav target. and i know i'll cop it soon.
4. handover went on for 3 solid hours.
5. yoyo hanging about all day cos of bad boy. so couldn't do any s/w notes, synopsis 'homeward bound', or indeed a poem of any sort. yoyo has this numbing effect. like death.
6. every bank a/c i possess went over limit today! so not only did i put all my savings in; i now have sod all to my name and was late in much to yoyo's joy.
7. and it transpired that our dear leader knows nothing whatever about cancer or even diseases...i think that is a total disgrace.
8. and now i discovers we get unsocial for lates nights and w/e...but nothing whatever for earlies. but why won't ppl try nursing? oh its getting up and out at 4/5 in the morning! the absolute duty to NEVER be late on earlies...so you'd think the bosses would figure out that you incentivise earlies? think again.
9. i did win again on the lotto. but only £6. what i'm trying to remember is how did we activate that sticky law in first place? because thats where it came from; us, back there in first place, out in the darkness way back in time, well back from the orb.
anyhow fed up.

plague

Was thinking about the Black Death, which went worldwide in the 1300's and stayed for around 200 years. It used to come back every three years or so and wipe out entire settlements. The gruesome history is well known. But I been thinking of the pathology as depicted in woodcuts and paintings over that period. They had no reason to falsify what they show us. And right away I think they got more than 1 plague. The swiftest killer was evidently pneumonic plague. Its the same bacterium but it goes straight to the lungs and is an aerosol; that is it spreads by the breath, sneezes etc. And all the big killers, such as smallpox, are mainly aerosols. Now we just had a small outbreak in China. Notice the ppl trying to leave the area en masse? thats how it spreads; cos u get a large goup 1 has it, they all get it and they move into clean areas and instantly it goes with them. You know when its out of control because the ppl are moving out en masse, and your medics are dying so fast there's no-one to stop it, or learn. In fact thats what you look for; when the medics get out its bad, they running for their lives.
Now the latest outbreak of that doesn't sound nearly so virulent as the type in the Black Death. Our victims mostly survived, the authorities restricted movement, the meds [br. antibiotics] worked fine. But in the BD people died in terrible agony in 24 hours! coughing up vast quantities of blackened blood. So it was much more severe, even allowing for the primitive medicine of the era. But it is still recognisably pneumonic plague; first symptoms, like a bad cold?
Together with that they had bubonic plague; thats the bacterium spread by the bites [infected bloods exchange] of fleas carried by black rats. Which is why to this day the sight of a black rat anywhere in England results in dozens of bio-haz suited men destroying literally all wild life in the vicinity. Anyhow I've seen a modern case of bubonic p. And its only similar to the pics of the BD. The victim did have large blackened swellings on every gland. He did have pyrexia ++. He was saved but terribly brain-damaged. And like rabies lifelong severe depression. [rabies furiosa, the classic raving, fighting, salivating, insane , hydrophobic type I have seen too. No survivors] I seen all these on films. [serious ones]
This is the other form of rabies, where the victims usually survive with fast treatment; its mostly loss of motor co-ordination plus fever, insanity] My point is its nothing like as severe as BD. Which first symptom was a circle of red sores, coughs/sneezes. The enormeous pustulated buboes ANYWHERE, not just the glands. And these were agonising, bursting, stench. any recorded survivors simply never got to this stage. Anyone who did was gone. And look, a rabies symptom! The records say that ppl who suddenly got very friendly, went around kissing relatives and later insisting on close contact even with strangers were realised after a few years as bub plag. spreaders. Now rabies can do that. It affects the brain and stimulates the victim to contact others; and of course the disease then spreads, similar accounts of smallpox. Which I have also seen, pics, films. So it appears to me that a litle known affect of the big killers is this brain control; getting victims to 'herd'. Anyway we see at once that this particular plague is much more severe, and somehow different. Its odd that you get the two forms in tandem. But I think of the pics from Italy in particular and you know what? I think there was a third, unknown form. Look at the corpses. Some of them display small red ulcerations, which are all over the body; even the feet and legs. These are not buboes. They're something else. And it looks, from the paintings, that the victims are being thrown into the streets, there to die. Now why? To this day no-one but me thinks there's anything different. The aerosol pvictims were dead so fast they nearly all died indoors..the corpses collected nightly and buried en masse; usually by ppl who had already somehow survived. But you simply get no record whatever of ppl surviving this form, which everyone thinks is the same disease. The bub. form then as now were kept indoors. That entire family would die, and everyone knew it. They used to burn down the houses. The place quarantined; which is when we first find that word being used. But this form? They threw them out to die. Odd, isn't it? In one painting from Florence you see them being dragged along beside the cart. Now I think of it, were they being thrown still living into the pits? Whatever this was it was so awful they reacted like that? And look its not an aerosol. They masked against 'the miasma' aka as stench; for both the others, though in those days they knew nothing. But not this one? And you can see the absolute agony of the victims. This is a virus. A contact virus. And its fast. And deadly. No survivors. So thats still out there. Makes you think, doesn't it?

lists

survived kerrys' weird timeless world again. boys kitted out, and behaved well too. Too late to visit mater. So was writing in poem and suddenly thought why am i doing this? They're already written. So made a list of ones usable; and that leaves only 48 to do by nov 2010; so heat turned down. And while I was at it did the base plan for TL2.
sleepy. think time to go to bed.

in a 2 n 8

gods i just finished both new poems an put them in blue book. i managed to destroy myself doing them. just crying like anything. getting in bath, dunno if they'll affect anyone else but i don't think i can ever read them again.

read story later.

getting on

done two new poems this morning; need a bit of work then into blue book 4 [for publishing]. the one 'puss' a real heartbreaker; had a secret snivel in the garden. but no Cat Geoffrey type...I probably just don't have the talent; except to slavishly imitate. But thats all wrong. Anyhow there are also 2/3 oldies that can be kicked into something reasonable; and I got another percolating in my subcs. So only 87 to go.

Everyone swearing and getting angry; bloody yoyo strikes again! Finally got our payslips and my unsocial hours down to 17% and apparently he did it to Addy last month and I wondered why I was down £120 last month and its him! He's mucking about with the bloody hours again; he's always got some excuse re budgets or policies etc...but you notice he never restricts his own pay! Its just typical of 'managers' they earn 70k and yet they really believe they exist to defraud the nurses and get in your earholes on timekeeping and christ knows wot else...wot we need, nhs, banks, gov, is a Sudden Cull of bossman arseholes who don't or can't actually do the bloody job themselves. He gets back on Friday...and every nurse in the house is going to stampede all over the evil little sod. Worse according to Addy he says once its gone in an you been paid you can't get it amended!! Well he might survive nuclear war but he got no chance with 10 nurses who just lost about £220 each with no fucking redress!!

We wondered why he went on a/l and then every day he's off unit... he's been waiting for the BANG when we found out. Well he's going to find out on Friday that we can all the lot of us go off BANG several times. Each.

my cat Geoffry

up at 0417 am all readt for work; and I've got a poem idea. I absolutely loved My Cat Geoffrey by christopher smart. He lived in 18oo's and went mad was duly thrown into bedlam and neglected. But his ppl were well-off so he had a room by himself and a few pieces of chalk; and day by day he would write little verses on the walls to the one person who loved him, his cat, geoffrey. The warders of course couldn't read, but after some months his behaviour improved so the family visited and found these verses and copied them I think he died shortly afterwards so the poem we have now is a compilation of verses by someone else...and its great, really. Now in two of my oldies you get the beginnings of something like that?

After all we have a similar love for one special cat. And lo! in a world of nutters smart and me are the ones locked up with the chalk! will have a go at work.

STARTED

Hoo. I posted 5 missives to various bigwigs this morning. Requesting to go p/t. And saying why. Now this is the NHS, you watch them trying to get this or that tweaked their way in a series of daft meetings, all telling me masterfully what they think I should settle for. In what? 50 years NOBODY has ever beaten me in anything. I just do wot I do; and ppl can just get out of the way. Well its the start. I know now I will do it all. But I chafe at every obstacle.

Good news. Rick [thats DaDa] has found a possible new job! A gas fitter. Thats good money! Usual problems, to do wiv driving the van. With his record? And then its in blooming Dartford! Who even breathes straight down there? Oh well I said to go for it. And he can then fund his Exotic Fish Business....I warned him to not get a Business a/c cos the banks pressure you into vast loans..which means your business is THEIRS...So I say banks are evil barstards like the IR and the social you tell them FUCK ALL. he says where do you put the profits? I says wots wrong wiv the Post Office? That giro thing?

I have not heard any news about Mr Stevens lately. I know they had the usual gathering of vampires last week and yet an unearthly silence ensues. So wot has the old fool done now I wonder?
Mr Stevens is grandad. And my exhusband. And a walking comedy.

post-bath plot!

worked it out. 1. I'm going to retire from nursing in 4 years, might keep Agency going for a bit. Can't do it all plus slogging guts out endless hours working/travelling. Will tell Yoyo Friday, write HR ditto. Now everyone going to say don't; but I can't do everything; anyway fed up nursing. Dangerous, lousy pay and at this level they don't listen too good. If I also finish that psychology text 'how to help mentally ill ppl' and get say Rachel, Vernon and a few others to review it then thats a big useful contribution to nursing. I'd be happy that all these years practice resulted in something that helped doctors, nurses, tutors, psychologists and the mentally ill. So thats one thing. Then there's these films. Worked out what to do about those, even got that Cheda chap website for crits. I only got to start, get one, it may snowball. And these poems? No problem writing, no problem big output/limited time...the only problem is I need time to woolgather, no rushing about and everyday another pt crisis or something.

I think I can do it. So go p/t from September? I can jobshare with Marie; who has cancer.

publish? u kidding?

hm. I am not pleased with me. Got home and did hswk and before bath read through my entire hoard of poetry. And its all crap! Admittedly its self -taught but then whose isn't? But too much is vast, particularly either personal or pretentious and anyway I hate it. A few are okay; last couple okay. Of course Psalm to Strange God isn't really a poem at all. So wot I got to do is bung in the maybe three oldies that pass muster, plus 4 recents that are okay, and then that means I got to do 93 effing DECENT poems by next November at the latest. Well its plenty of time I suppose. Hm, if I do what? 4 a week should manage. But they got to be a bloody sight better than those oldies ever get!!

Getting in bath! I always think better in the bath.