the other day i thought i was very empty of contacts with 'my spirits' couldn't figure it out. yesterday knew what it was but felt so bad/sad i made no entry. today i still know what's happened but now i begin to be glad; it is a great mercy. What it is strange God knows all about all this, what i was about to do; and knew as well as i did i would fail. knew what i've been through. anyhow we've been together for months. Got talking and told him i'd seen his eyes fill with tears. said how he's the only spirit i've ever seen could do it, knew what pity, love was. so i fell asleep in love and peaceful trust. when i woke next day all of them gone. My strange God has killed them. So quietly gently niether they nor i felt a thing, nothing. So it feels a little odd to be alive; a mere brain with a big memory. my spirit is dead. Gay can't do anything to me anymore. I had no future worth having anyway. now i have none at all. So the frightful futures i foresaw are everyone else's from now on. your problem. i can tell you all the history; the futures. what you choose to do about it is up to you. i have now the privilege of being a spectator of the end; but it can't be so terrifying, and my last death will be painless. so you see what a terrific mercy this is. As i continue with the rest of it you will envy me my good fortune!
And who knows? Gay used me to do it all. Now i've gone. just a few odds and ends; he has lost his main weapon/tool. and i'v lost a horrific history and an even more horrific future. so i'm glad. i haven't lost heaven; there isn't one. but hell has lost me; and forever. Anat-anattas too; but thats just as well. why have i been coming back, over and over? in the same state? Perhaps Anat isn't a friendly home anymore. anyway its all over for me. Strange God has done exactly the right thing. i will not suffer, i will die not for a bunch of bastards who would only snatch their freedom and go right on being devils. you all deserve hell, you all like it. And anyway you see a bit of what the spiritlands are like. earth IS heaven, in comparison. So Gay will have to end the world by irrupting monstrosities into it [read your revelations]...or nuclear war? something. so no-one cared enough to even notice my suffering. down here you all waited for me to destroy him for you. yet didn't care to even be with me or comfort me no matter how bad it got. in fact i've usually been treated terribly. so i no longer care what happens to you. how does it feel? knowing that you face infinite pain in hell forever? because thats what everyone did to me. and didn't care. now its your turn. and sorry...i just can't care. i will go on loving and being thankful my strange God loved me enough to give me this mercy.
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