two conversations todayish

last night had a long conversation with that girl. this is the one who suddenly popped up and declared with absolute conviction that absolute good was identical to absolute evil. white dress, white eyes, dark hair. obviously a me. before i could speak she sentenced me to 'live forever outside with no food' and smashed up my top mind, maybe making me like that. i was in such anguish i could only suffer, later i had a right go at her. obviously sent by gay. off the leash, she in a flame of faith damned me without fucking looking or even any provocation done that to me. its a terrible sentence. i know i heard her later suddenly scream in horror 'what have i done'? so i fucking told her. you sentenced yourself you stupid cow. because you were so busy being perfect you never looked at me. and worked out that she'd been sent out by gay after donkeys years of abject slavery and thats what she does. out from the 'interior universe' that jesus called 'the kingdom of heaven within you'. thats is your soul house, where you should live in te spiritlands. everybody has one. the soul the gods devour is you; all the love and faith and goodness you have accrued in your lifetime. and we all have a great many of those lives. a big mistake, as you will discover. now gay sent her to 'prove' the good are the truly evil. so admittedly when i recovered somewhat and worked out who she was etc i was extremely rude. but i realised she was me and set up; so i never did more than bawl her out. now understand this, gay got in my 'kingdom of heaven' and has been wrecking it ever since with laws that are weird unknown to the lessers and all aimed at horrible insane 'punishments' which only stop if that lesser becomes devilly, and cruel and vicious. so its been darkening, weirding ever since. and like always he's got a me to do all that for him. but she thinks he's teaching her the way to salvation, that he's doing it all. so anyway i didn't know what to do, ferreting around. worked out all that Heaven thing; actually thats gays heaven. so for for everyone he gets there of course its Hell. and that dark small mountain outside is everest...supposed to be my place. where i will stand and know that all the people everyone is trapped in there in infinite suffering forever. and these people, even gods, are all those who obeyed him, became evil. they suffer forever for being fools, to believe ever that that thing means to be nice to anyone. why they can't hear me when i tell you all that gay is infintely cruel, set it all up before any beginning wwith premeditated malice i don't know. the good are there as well. gay said right from the very start that the good [he means white ones] are all truly cruel, vain of their beauty and love power. so they were damned first. its a long story; i'll get to all that in due course. anyway she's popped out again. i thought my spirit was dead. sure it is. but it seems they can still communicate to some extent. just much fainter. anyway she asked me what shall she do? so we talked. i told her that gay has no business in someones elses soul-world. i said that he being evil was not a just judge of anyone, leave alone the good. what does he knowof good? nothing. he once told me he was a moral imbecile which is true. pointed out that all he did and said ended in suffering. told her what becomes of his evil ones. told her what he's like inside. said he's a virus, a good kind nurse kills viruses. said that she must see that he's a liar, how can goood and evil be identical when they are opposites. said that if you o around punishing thegood for just existing then you can't complain when the good have niether the will or the strength to rescue you. and that the evil by definition are only 'good' by being cruel? so they won't rescue anyone. she's the 'god' of her own soul-heaven which was heaven to begin with and therefore she was already perfectly adapted. if you fill the place with nasty insane laws and punish everyone so horribly they go mad then of course it turns into hell. it can't do anything else. so she's always trying to adapt by being cruel and of course it gets worse. told her that if she is to know happiness throw him out, don't listen, say no, and she must grow up. still a child of ten after 1000,billion years? he's keeping her a child so he always wins. told her how to gather strength; grow up. so anyway she went off with much to think about.

oh just so you know 'forgiveness'under gay is stupid. you pay for your sins and those of the one you forgave. jesus knew this. i can tell. he never forgave anyone. he always said the father forgives, which you see is a lie. and also that HE isn't forgiving anyone. thats is because when you pray to be forgiven its noted and you are praying to be made good, to have your evil cured. fatal. mind you i gave everyone a new start. first time i didn't remember this. so i forgave everyone in existence everything. because i was trying to draw a line across history. no point killing gay or beginning to if they all remember in a body their terrible suffering, the filthy cheat of it all, blame each other and turn and rend each other to bits. so i said as the only good god i knew, to forget the past, finish what i can only start, bring him down, kill him. and let third history begin. but the second time i did it i knew. knew what it would mean if they didn't help. if gay won. did i ever tell you i was stubborn? well now you know.

now for the last two hours the six black sea-eagles have been threatening me. they don't like this truth, all being taught to anyone with the guts to listen. but i'm still the truthspeller, so i gave them a go as well.first i noticed was this great big black eye glaring at me; knew it was an eagle. then i was seeing glimpses. but i know they're what they plan; thank god my spirit is dead. anyway if they revivify me i've now been shown how to do it. dissolve the base signature which is what every mind is. and die without leaving anything viable to revivify, so they're fucked, and i said so. his eye i said, has been altered. instead of orange patterns, like squares? sort of nasty thin yellowy lines, some level at the botom and a couple vertical. its horrible, and i said so. like a dinosaur he went on glaring at me because he was trying to believe i must be wrong, its lies. and proving by that that its true. so i discussed good and evil. and realised the others also listened. ponted out that they must remember their awakening, to know that gay was their enemy, his teachings cruel and vile, and that he forced them to be like this. if you do any of those things to me, i said, its your friend you kill. and your enemy will then go right on leading you to destruction. you know him, you know he is god over you. what you do not see is your own nature is good. or why are you so kind to your devil sons, when you know quite well they feel no love, will turn one day and destroy you? so you must get it right. be fair to all your sons...because gays first statement is that the good were damned for their cruelty to the evil? when you are doing the same thing, i said, so who loses? you do. you hate to hear the truth, because you know quite well it shows you cowards, liars, fools, unjust and seriously stupid as well. and as ppl/gods/wotnot learn what the gods/spiritlands are really like they will recall what they been through. and all, all, will hate you. and so you also must stop being cruel. just stop. you at least are not addicted to the sexual pleasure of cruelty. you are like this because you are driven mad, believe you must. be cured, you are the good gods, the fathers.

so i guess if i'm stupid enough to live on i just really annoyed all the lot of all these cruel bastards. anyway then i got to thinking. if i lived through all that? no food, no rest, being killed over and over? so i suddenly asked, where did gay find me? where did i come from? from the future, yes. this one, the one life of gerry stevens. but no human could do all this. be like i am. and then it occurred to me. am i a begot? like kay, and probably freedom? weird thought. so i said to them one of you then must be my father, aint that a thought? which one, i wondered. and decided if they going to be like this i don't want to know him anyway. but i wonder if i am a begot? i'll never know.

was, i mean, was. but i am glad to say they went quiet and looked at me. possibly that idea stunned them. or maybe they just felt sick.

anyway the girl just dropped in again. asked me if she had to do bad stuff like fight and kill gay was that not evil? told her a soldier has to fight to protect those in his care, as she must, so you do what you have to do. cheat, lie, poison. anything. there is no standing on dignity. drive him out, kill him, or suffer forever. a soldier has the courage to use any weapon. if gay complains of her evil, who taught them all that evil is the right answer? even told them especially her that it was the real salvation? so he can hardly complain if she stabs him in the back. she's ten years old for christs sake. and showed her what gay has done to me in the future; and now i'm dead thats hers instead. so the kindest sweetest mother must kill the wolf who is dragging the baby in its jaws? which is evil? told her do the job; she can cry about it later. told her her she will really feel only joy, only relief. see? i teach you just as i teach them. finally if i was always female. then you are god at least in your own soul-world? she is god the mother then. and i told her so. now we see what they will do.

by the way gay gets them to agree with him by driving them into a frenzy of fear and excitement. so none of their decisions were ever the result of reason.