fed up

so now i've damned him, an i love him. when i upset because he went an damned me, knowing he loved me? i see mine as duty. what about him? maybe he was doing his duty too. oh sod the bloody gods. Gay always says the good and the evil are identical. good and evil are at the absolute point, the same thing. well thats wot that girl who smashed me up was chanting. but i know there's another version, i didn't hear all of it. thay Freedom taught her half of brent when they were wed. it starts the same, i know its just as tough. he died twice an she had to bring him bavck. but it ends differently. he stood with her a proper god at the end. and i heard her say that Gays thing, that evil is the right answer was his big lie from the very beginning. then lord brent persuaded her to leave the attic and my inside house. off they went. they stood above saying goodbye for so long i got worried. but now they gone. so its all a lie. and Gay is the evil one. so all these things have happened because he gets into things....even father seabreeze. even the eagles. and especially me. thats how he's done it. but i so desperately want this to be over. to find a nice heaven and no more worries. but how can i, in a universe so sick with evil, me being the odd one out? one day i publish tl2....you will see how i have been into the satanic again and again....but it won't stick. i can't stay evil, not for two hours. and so will be rejected and die in misery, finding myself a good god tortured forever in Hell. for the sin of being good. and now Anattas have done their thing what shall i do? well lets hope these superpowers bloody stay with me. it means a lot of fighting. an ugly thing; it will seem to them i'm nasty and cruelly destroying some harmless old boy. but if i do it all this shit will start to come out right. if i do not?
incidentally that poem thank you? it was true. but not forever did i get there. i know now what happened. someone helped me past the riddles i couldn't see. for a while i was in that heaven[for the evil]....but i asked for food. this is no sin. nevertheless Gay stormed in and shouted at the [very few] ppl there, who all went cheese coloured and left. a man? woman? protested, so Gay tore her throat out. and then turned on me, still a defenceles child after all these years, and strangled me. so it ends again in misery and fear. back to life i came, and he is once more dragging me on he long march. see? satan was trying to save me from that. satan isn't as nasty as all that. but brent i suppose never intended me to be safe. so instd of saving me, he damned me all over again. will i ever know the reason why?

brent must be quite mad to do that. its Gay who punishes infinitely and so terribly.even those fullon evil must be obedient to him. but i really think brent did not know all this. well, who does? i know it was satan who sent him, i was all ready. naturally i kept displaying my unwanted goodness,...but he must have also seen i was accepting, doing my best. i can't change my nature. accept me in satanism and it will change by itself. so why did he go and damn me? when i would do something about Gay ? when me and satan/yetzoah are trying to be friends? its a mystery an i'm very upset. i dunno what will happen now. you see they know their end,as do the eagles. they don't want that. the only one who won't suffer in those terrible hells is me; the chosen rejected who gets chucked into outer darkness? we suffer hunger, seeing all others in that state is also grief; but apart from that okay. so they want me to destroy Gay too. what the fucking hell did my brent think he was there to do?

it has to be that he was Gays man. an look at all i've done for him since!! and now i see he cheated me. an satan. all of them. no doubt his dear friend Gay by now has walked off laughing, leaving him to his fate. an now i damned him right back; am i supposed to undo all i done for him? well i am not like Gay. i shall pray to elohim what to do. but for now i'm so fed up. and very tired.