groo..

that mars bar has given me toothache. and i'm getting a bit Depressed. thinking about it all. i'm in every bit where ever it all goes bloody wrong. well thats what i feel at this moment. i'm in the first god; who was obviously a bit unworldly. i turn up; no doubt Gay put me there from the future...a ittle girl who apparently is god. an who tells me? oh Gay, after years of getting into my subcs. now he looking on me says 'i am the Devil and female and evil'. right? i said, reluctantly, that 'i am god and male and good'. right? suppose we are telling the truth?? how can that be? look at Gay, what he's like..a nasty cruel violent pervert. evil as all get out. the other children, my halflings, all accept and he accepts them. so they all evil. i promise you they are just bloody horrible. i get from my birth all sorts of terrible ill-treatment. i was at the end, the very end, when i was about 12, given the old 'eleventh hour' last chance. and i again chose good. hoping he would turn. but he didn't he licked his lips like a reptile and said, i think i will be evil'. so he is that is Gay; his real nature. mine is good, then. but all these memories of previous lives seem to turn on the fact thatwhatever life i'm in, no matter how i try to be good, its really a disaster. so am i then the really evil one? am i evil? i remember being the foolish holy spirit. i remember being yetzoah. i remember that old Devil, since judged as not properly evil by lord spite and sent off with a flea in his ear. i remember all heavens i'm in going all wrong, the ever recurring struggle with evil ones. always failling, no triumphs. yet everywhere out there trying to be god. but always the evil be they never so little have huge power i do not. so losing, always losing. it was me the lords asked whether to kill the ladies. i said yes, all thatt could or would enjoy true pleasures; leaving only the lowly. so its all turned into hell out there, and i have fought a rearguard battle to try to save, rescue or preserve heaven and brightsiders. yet it occurs to me where are all these the good for whom i have suffered all these things? all those little heavens, infested now by devils. everywhere the evil themselves insane, driving their betters insane too. am i the cause of it all? can the evil be really the secretly good after all? how can Gay be good? but the other day, i think it was last september i was resting on this sofa and a clear ringing voice spoke to me saying 'rise thou ape of Thoth, and be accepted in heaven'....what does it mean? does it mean that now i see my evil that i am acceptable? so yetzoah was to be the Ape of god...but he won, so is god? and i always trying to be a good god in opposition to the laws of the universe was seen as evil, an Ape of Thoth?? and now i almost there, seeing the truth, thatswhy Satan sent brent to save me...but brent did not? now i depressed.