today

i have again appealed to b. spiner to come to this blog and find out what concerns him. which obviously it does. he claims he is not my brentie; and i believe him. but know what my brentie said was also all true. and they seem very similar, except my one has got larger and rather bristly. whereas all i have seen of this other one is a couple of clips on utube. he seems also rather stout, hairy...but different, as he says. but i dunno ...his voice is not clear and quiet, he is all buzzy and definitely a yank. whereas my brentie is clear, quiet, hardly any accent. if only my one didn't run around in resemblances! he keeps changing his eyeballs! everything! but he's not lying, not mental...what the heck is he doing??? anyhow i have remembered. so i can guess whats wrong. well its no a guess. i know. anyhow they are so related; he counts as a kind of half king. in any event i wouldn't leave a dog in that state.
tried again today to find 'their' radiance father. something wakes, is listening. but in a state...grief? hate? well i'd explain, do my best...if one two three they come and flaming let me!

but its NOT my king at fault in any way. its me. i can't understand why he won't be like himself. i don't understand why this dozy half king knows so little. he's so peculiar. a bit of a martinet?
worse and worse..he 's right there..and i know it!! and CAN'T do the obvious normal usual thing.!!! its like i'm blinded, gay hits me? or i'm so stuck in 'being good' i can't do what being ME for gods sake is my true nature! AND SAY THE FUCKING TRUTH...so we both acting? both deceiving? oh gods only know.

no pain today. but still unwell; cos i get tired so easily. well i'm getting in the bath. got my new poetry book plus liquer chocs. have pity at least on yourselves, both of yous. my king, for gods sake grab scruff of neck and drag me off. little half king, i know you puzzled and scared. but you are about to be free if only you 1. learn what i teach 2. talk to your radiance father, who i bet still loves you, grieves for you and 3. let me tell you what i know, let me try to help. and i never wanted to say all this here, but have to because the two of you got something else in common. i can't find you, and you appear to be quite at home under a bloody rock. come out. listen. we will love, laugh...eventually. then one king finds love, the other finds he is restored in every way, no more to fear them who see.

well good nights. take this little blessing. all this night and all the morrow you shall not know sorrow.