questions.

Gay looked on me; but first he knelt. why? then he turned himself ino that filthy clowns face; said to me; 'I am the Devil, i am female, and I am evil.' yes, Gay is utterly evil. But evil, in itself is only that cruelty which gets ghastly pleasure in destroying innocence, beauty, right things. He has all that. I have none. So he is the evil one. But why female? Gay has hated anything feminine since forever, just because it might gentle him. So thats a lie? Strange this; because Gay absolutely NEVER lies to me. Everyone else never hears the truth; they even start asking, getting too close, he destroys them. All. Even those evil who believe just like the silliest 'saint' that he will be nice to them forever. In fact Gay is infinitely cruel. All come to the same atrocious end; if you can call everlasting life with that thing an 'end'. because he will never let them die or sleep or stop; but doubles their agony at every resistance. Which is why his 'heaven' is absolutely silent. In the far future I can hear their pain walking around talking; 'scrit-scree! scrit-scree!' and further on in time I cannot even go near, its unbearable even from the relative safety of earth back here in the deep past. Absolute nightmare. And all of them who suffer are what he calls the good. Because Gay said in that terrible pre-existence place the the good are the truly evil. So they suffer because of 1. false goodness 2. because they hate evil, and are cruel to the evil. who Gay says are the truly good; because they love evil which =him, and obey him in all things. So because they are this inside out good Gay brings them to a suffering more awful than the 'good' . Actually Gay damned everyone in that place. We are all damned; none are saved, there is no salvation. Except to turn to Anat-Anatta and leave. Now. Or perhaps Anatta knows how to fight. We certainly do after m.o.y. with that thing in charge. It was Gay who invented war. Which is why I try to hold him off. He made me the poor child Adversary. Anyhow he will not lie to me. But tempts me always to a life 'holy' a death 'holy' because he can control my mind I do not remember what he is. So why that? 'i am female'? UNLESS WE ARE LYING ABOUT OURSELVES/EACH OTHER?
Because I don't lie either; a seriously stupid habit when faced with such a thing. Look. I was not God then; and in all my lives being good 'Gods' they all end in disaster. You cannot be perfectly good unless you reduce yourself to a machine; cut off the ideas of what is good to something almost its antithesis; certainly not in Hell which is where we all are. So a girl says that. Male? No, look at me! Good? WHAT IS GOOD? In Hell? Good gets you agony of mind forever. So its not 'good' at all but suicide.

What happened there? That whoosh was sort of 'power' but i think thats when i was innoculated; so evil will not stay in my heart. Oh i can hate/lie/be enraged; and when i do get like that the Gods stand it they have to because i'm quite dangerous then, So why not fly into an wrath and kill him? I don't know. I don't get it. These spirits that bully me wiv their utterly irrational 'judgement' ARE ME. They say I am the Devil. Yet if we were saying the truth about each other then the 'Devil' is good=evil in Gay's sight. And obviously there is no light but hellfire in him. The fact is Gay 'buys' ppl. And I was enslaved long long ago. And they think God is nice. Why because they only know me, Allah, Zion a few others who run the shop more or less out of a sense of duty. But they have the real power; all that is his dupe gets the powers of God. His, mine I don't know.

All night raging sexual desire. I know its only the zippos. But someone soon will cop the lot! Annoying that ppl notice; why can't I hide it? And why the hell at work or in the middle f bloody tesco's??