what now?

so on the night of my last entry i prayed all day etc straight to Anattas. And i felt a tiny change, like a key turning a tiny lock deep within. then i took about three times the normal meds [even zips] and hoped someting would happen. but i just slept heavily; nothing tp report. but then last night i was on night duty and while i was watching tv something happened. it was like a great black soft duvet wrapped all round me and then slowly dragging me and pushing me down at the same time. instead of realising that this was Anat trying to answer i fought it, just struggled to breathe. silly bitch! so i fought so hard i got out of it. then i realised. gods what a stupid woman. so tonite i have another go. will try with all my strength to put into the they-us mind whats going on here; they-us help now and lose one, or lose them all. so will try to double the meds i took before. and hope to christ Anat-Anattas answer again. i 've got to get my mind into second death and come back armed, wiv memory intact, and Anat knowing all i know of whats coming both for us and the Anattas they-us. Sure! Gay is probably trying to 'conquer' Anat....no escape from him for anyone then. so be it. i try again.