85 today

my birthday. 85; because Gay told me if i lived that long i'd get out of all of it. so i'm cheating, how perfectly awful. what we do is mark the day wiv cards + meal/drinks as usual. yesterday thought that i have no powers, that Anattas was Gay and felt generally that i was near finished. so right in the street arguing with Gay; his last idea to unite,but i couldn't remember the creed; so he did it. you know 'we believe in one God, the father, the almighty maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen...' he did it perfectly i limped along. thought 'of one being with the father' would turn me into a thing like him. went home awaiting some terrible thing to be in me by morning.

but its all quiet and everywhere clean. i been in various places [mind travel] and i [usually a kid] have woken up to it, am saying no, accusing him....whats happening?

i think i got him. i think he was saying the creed to me? a murder too far? he's going down?

oh gods only know. one of us will wake up God. but i got no idea which.