its still going on

christ i'm tired. she's not said much. every now and then a stray thouhgt or memory and she sort of picks it up, examines it. she's forgotten what it is like to be human? anyway i'm telling her she is much stronger than him or he would not have kept her like that. anyway i will never again believe a word he says; not about evil being the answer. no damnation isn't salvation. look at those who do believe! they become more rubbishy as you look at them. the king is unique, the only one of them i've ever found who i loved and who began to love me. which is doubtless why i was again betrayed....someone dashed the cup from my hand and he didn't understand anymore than i did. what it is is they are ordered to reject me, keep me out. thats when i believe as they do, when i am really trying! so no more of it.
the king must do whatever. the war is between me and that thing and ends here where it began.
she asked me what can i do? well so far one top gay has been taken by me to crumbles and been undone. he said i hadn't given him long enough! another claimed it'was his turn to rule' insane liar....its I who have never ruled, been even noticed heard or understood. so that one's dupe turned and as far as i could see saw the truth and reacted strongly, but i saw no more. another tried to give me thousands of little white heavens where he said i could do it all my way. saw instantly that future me was just a head. a head floating about in empty sterile heavens. obviously waiting for that thing to destroy it all over again, so i turned and burned his head right off him. two others they run. the boy surrendered; but thats another lie, of course. god in me wakes. so far gay keeps trying to question me, no answer give i to that thing. all this in the last six months and i still walk about in r1 being a bloody human!

just told her he is the lesser being. and to remember what it is he does to her. like eating her heart? her face? her brains? all of it, remember! now come that is not salvation, he is not a teacher, and also HE IS NOT HER FATHER!! she's looking at first place memories now. think child. those studies? i see them from here. more than one. thats where his mainstem self stays....and thats where we go get him. and kill him. all of them including the tiny inner space ones, walkingabout in their furious self-pity. they are his engines. she's got to the father[he came down from the past in april]. he said, 'gerry when you killed me you also broke my heart' i wept and said 'father i'm so sorry i didn't know what i was doing'...so he knew he was my father. didn't he? when did gay ever let you call him father?

so now i name you ladychild. time to turn rebel. destroy that misery, be free. 'won't it hurt?' she justasked me. no. being free of your murderer does not hurt. be free. forget about good and evil. as if that thing knew! in fact he shows he doesn't in those vile concepts. if they are the same then he's ok. if they are not its him thats damned, not you. and be glad. salvation is begun when you can look into your heart and say 'i like myself, i pleased i did good by my neighbor and myself.' i can say it. can he? then who should be the judge, you? a child lost in hell with not one friend? him? have you ever known that thing praise or credit anyone? no. so then the right judge is that black father. and the instant he woke he came straight to me. sad, in a hurry. to save me from that monsters black cruelty. only one way to do that now, love.