the house of god

don't ask me when, i dunno when. the beginning; but i'm also guessing it was not. see gay having time mastery can not only have more than one beginning, he can fool us as to their order of appearance, anyway thats a general suspicion. so somehow there was a kind of cold foggy whiteness. in it were six great angels [no wings, most naked, all male] and they'd collected me by 'command'. i was very young, about ten in human terms, female, dressed in dark green, an odd hairstyle [we call it pudding bowl] brown in colour. they told me it was 'the pre-existence' that god had summoned us the good to a great debate with the evil and he would decide between good and evil. i wasn't asked, just brought along. from whence i don't recall. and none of us knew anything about anything. so how were we supposed to debate it? but you again see how the spirits don't ask any questions. so anyway we flew [they carried me] and we just went back and back into the past, flying higher and higher straight up. we got to the very top; but there was no Orb, no Cube. nothing but this huge wooden house, rather ugly, very dark, lots of very big rooms in it. some had pictures on the walls. there was a giant tables; more pictures on it. around the wall seats. and at first as we thought we were alone with 'God' there.

i was very shy. i looked on God, and of course you know who it was, but we did not. Tall, spare, very masculine, soft voice, dark in his face somehow. now today that dark is cruelty; but then i think it was something else. i have found that when a good spirit is lying or cheating their face sort of shadows? so thats what that shadow was then, not that he was good. but he told us he was 'neutral' and we believed him. i knew he was God as we declaimed the reasons and benefits of goodness etc. because i chanced to see his great black eyes sparkle with deep celestial lights. so we went on. he began to ask us questions; strange ones. only one, that i think i recall, which was 'but why? it seems i give and give. but get nothing in return''....now thats a Gay idea, the idea that god should treat everything he gives as an investment. but we didn't ask what God was doing asking lessers about good v evil.
anyhow he began to concentrate on my views. now i was young, intense, full of strong convictions and enthusiasm. in fact i told him again and again that i would destroy the evil the moment they appeared. and punish the worst forever. with terrible fiery punishments. but in truth i was only young, ignorant, and you can see this is over-zealous. we hadn't seen any evil; or thought we hadn't. but obviously he was testing us, because 1. Gay was already evil.2. its a nonsense to take lessers, and then the youngest, who don't even know what their lives were to be like; and ask them for such an age difficult questions when by definition a being who asks is good or evil the right answer has already chosen the worst possible answer. anyhow he began to ferret ideas out of me. the evil throw out the good. the fierce punishments the good fantasized should be theirs....because of their cruelty! the evil were the truly good because they would give him rewards; what? oh he enjoys some things. much more than hymns, stupid infants always asking for comforts. he thinks the evil are manly. and so on. we were losing the debate; but couldn't understand what we were doing wrong. he insisted that what was our zeal to be good was really the most terrible malice, and smiled at me sweetly as he said it. the other angels began to be quiet and strange. suddenly the evil appeared. all around the walls in those seats where they had been sitting invisibly listening to all we said.
and who were they? some i don't know. never seen them since. now we know that this was AFTER under his hypnotic slavery i had slain all seven goodfathers. he was already the devil. how? because he didn't build that house. Kay did. so she was already his prisoner, and that was the first thing he told her to make as soon as she was adult enough to do anything. so she he cut out of her father, right? so all that business about it being a neutral pre-existence debate was an absolute LIE. but look he's got me again! with that haircut, fr earth, as before. and so long before ANY Dove ever existed there among the evil ones sat Satan and Yaldabaoth. not impossible, once you know about time-mastery, an idea that only appears once in history. yes, here. planet earth, 20 century. see? see why he had to get me? oh gods only know who i am, where i really come from. after all these lives etcyou see i'm a kind of amalgamam.
so the evil sat and stared at us. not angry. no hate. and began to quietly decide that the heavens should really be hells,that and vice versa. and that we poor shattered fools were truly evil, and deserved infinite punishment. so it wasn't a debate, but a trap, wasn't it? but why did they think they were evil? none by definition had done anything. it was supposed to be a debate, but here we were protesting more and more desperately that GOD WAS WRONG. proof, he said, that we were evil, because God must be obeyed and known buy all his real sons to be right.
about then the great angels began to vanish, one by one. i realise now they simply fled. but i was young. so i was tired and confused. i wandered out to the garden. a place of horror, now i remember it. it was all dead weeds, a jungle of ugliness. as i wandered worried and looking for some way to help God see this couldn't be right i walked into something terribly hard and really vicious. there was nothing to see. i was in terrible pain, so acute i couldn't cry out. for a long time i suffered, then gradually got back to the house. but no-one took any notice of my state. the last of the great angels was shouting, in a panic. the evil lords simply sat grinning at his distress. not one noticed. then that angel fought his way out. but i've never seen any of them again. be sure they are dead. or worse. Then Gay 'noticed'. he told me i was a coward, a pointless liar. there was no invisible pain in the garden. i saw Yaldabaoth looking on me, and Gay put it into my head he had done it. but now i know he was innocent, it was Gay. he broke what would be the sternum and traumatized the plexus. it was agony. and in all the time that followed it got steadily worse. i think now that the evil ones never realised; which of them ever saw agony before? but Gay got quite affectionate, always asking me more and more questions, always amazed at how bright i was, uniquely a confederate in the design of the universe. sometimes slaps. not sure. then he worked out the end-sum. the 'good' were all damned forever. they would be destroyed in the first moments of their existence. their lessers would be subjected to infinite hell forever, no appeal, no trial. the evil were his sons, the universe was evil. they rose up and roared their acclaim, their joy. but Gay had talked to me. he got me to stand before them and finish the equation. and so the truly evil are his obedient sons, good boys all, who understand he is the devil, and aso he will devour them forever, torture them the same, because he loves evil and them, and will ruin them and destroy them over and over for his pleasure. they being evil quite understand, since they'd do the same. but he was there first! so the evil are also utterly damned, and how terrible is their triumph! the evil lords roared again, this time in rage. but Gay showed them his infinite power. they didn't know til now thats their own suffering forever in the future. in fear they sat silent. trying as we had to say he was wrong, evil is so suddenly not the right answer at all. so silence fell. and he said there is only one person here too good to let this happen. look at her! and so they did. with pure confusion. neither had i the least idea what he meant. and still don't. all i want to do is run to that bloody crumbles and fuck off forever, believe me.
so we were marched outside. i stood in an agony of pain, confusion, weighted down by something terrible coming. they stood around and watched. he began to offer me for to be a son, a christ, he said. then none of us knew what it was. i said yes, no. maybe. what is it? oh, he said, you can suffer for me. um i'm not sure i'm only ten...very well he said. you will suffer for all time. you shall hunger. you shall contain the universe. you shall contain all time. and you are the last sign. and so on and so on. at each terrible thing i begged for mercy, told him i couldn't. and of ourse he doubled it. its horrific, as you see. the evil lords went white with sheer horror; this is what he does to a child in the beginning? then what the fuck will he do to us? in the end i simply died of it, unbearable. all of it impossible. yet i knew he'd do it.

the lords tried to stop their own sentence; but he began to double theirs. in horror they stood heads hanging in despair, hopeless, helpless themselves. so when you look into satans eyes, that is despair, and this is why. i'm thinking Yetzoah didn't remember; but maybe this in his mind is what has made him insane? and not seabreeze at all?

when i came to as i thought it was then, they stood staring. he made me look down at the universe. that he said, shall be in you. go. and i did. i staggered away, down, down, down...

but holdfast. he isn't god, but the devil. even if he was do you want him? love him? no? niether does anyone. so turn rebel. my history is true. his damnation isn't, not yours or mine or theirs. he has no right. and anyway, think why i got lumbered with this crap. it must be that i was good? and if if if i was somehow really God, but a primitive, or rather first effort or something, do you see i began the bloody lot....good? no debate, no big deal, i'm just ordinarily decent. but if god now, after all this, put me back together and what have you got?

his opposite, the positive-positive. i know i said i'd do awful things to the evil. but kids grow up. nasty old men do not. see?

and so absolutely every living thing is damned and always has been. before they even existed. and there is NO LIMIT set to our suffering. no limit. none.

oh lords above who find in place of despair hope and right hate in your hearts, get back to me the king! til the maid be wed she/i cannot become the matron! its the only way i see...