about gay

was going to talk about yetzoah; but its hard o know how to keep it really clear. so i'll examine what i can figure out about gay instead.

now gay was not a man at all, though he lived a human life; rather an uncomfortable one, actually. war and stuff. if i can ever get that pic off my sister i'll put his pic on here. we only got altogether 4 pics of gay. the swarm have another, of him dead in his coffin. the one i'm thinking of shows him laughing at something i said. about 3 years before he died. but even in that you can see quite clearly who he is.

so what are the things gay told me about himself? for a man given to hours and hours of bragging about his hardships and military experiences in the war he didn't actually give out that much real information. understand he used to talk all night, us kids having to listen silently, laughing intelligently in all the right places.
it was me who finally got him thrown out of our attic flat. i braved paddy. paddy was mrs o connors husband downstairs. there were i think 5 flats in the tenemnt? it was all wooden, dust, dark. anyway nobody could ever understand paddy, he growled in thickest irish. amazing, the oconnors were staunch rc's...with all that going on right above their heads, but i made him see that bad things were happening to us kids. paddy probably thought i meant only the sexual abuse. that very night he came upstairs with his son michael, who was 17 and nasty but huge and obedient to paddy; who was tiny. and they threw gay out in about ten minutes of terrible roaring. i got jackie under the table but couldn't reach rob in his cot. gay went quietly in the end, though cursed me as he went. mum has always claimed she did it; and because she 'found out' he was a satanist. in fact as usual she's lying. he always called her jezebel; but actually she's the real judas, well i think so. don't you?

anyway he only visited us i think 5 times after that, in fulham where we lived afterwards. and i visited him in dagenham maybe 4 times in my life? and once he came down to visit mum in hastings where she lived for 30 years. he saw the red arrows and jumped for sheer pleasure at teir wonderful sunburst display right in front of us over the cliffs. so you see he could be almost human at times.

so these are the snippets he gave me. he said he'd been pythagoras, the greek who had the mystical understanding of numbers, and began trig and geometry? and also naturally a school of magic, which the greeks suppressed themselves, i think. he also said he was an 'eldili'. now that word means 'wise ancient' and he said he'd been alive in atlantis before it was destroyed. i laughed and he grew angry. thats a pity. because he told me the war was betwen the black sorcerors [the state religion of atlantis was ALL black, even the grossest human sacrifice] and the sickened people who found these gods who simply demolished it. 'sank beneath the sea' might not mean what we all think. who were these gods? but evidently gay was one of those black sorcerors. he got very iffy once when i asked him about orpheus; thats a greek hero who ccould do wonderful music with a harp. he went to the underworld to get back his lover, but looked at her on the way out and so lost her again. my question was only what happened after that thinking only that all these old stories never seem to tell you results. anyway he told me he hated orpheus and had set out to destroy him. that orheus was a fool and his lyre a liar! he got quite vicious, actually. apparently this guy orpheus was a rival in more ways than one. his last words were that orpheus was still alive 'but i bet he envies his wife!'

so we see that you can choose your life, to some extent. these eldili can. you see then 'what manner of men were they?' he would say with a smirk. i can tell you. BAD. he said once that there'd been a terrible experiment[presumably in atlantis] which i don't think atlantis was on earth at all; that they'd lost loads of their people finding out the laws etc of the universe. now he means the same sort of thing he was doing to me. destroying someones spirit in order find out what really 'worked'...i imagine a kind of spiritual vivisection. but he didn't mean the poor children he meant other eldili. so they lost some, before they 'took it over'.

no wonder then those unknown gods destroyed atlantis! if you think this is how the evil began their enslavement of all. so you see why i don't think anymore that atlantis was on earth at all. anyway if gay was pythagors you see how the tale got to plato. anyway so these eldili have done something terrible. and so they are the gods! you see those unknown gods may have destroyed the place, but also themselves. and these eldili; gay i think hinted there are 13? lived. and keep coming in to various places in search of more victims.

so now you see why so much black magic is riddled with numbers. also because they ALWAYS pick on little children myths and tales. now look again at your nursery tales for children! some of them are evil. now you can see it.

anyhow so these 13 or so monsters are in my mind in some huge overwhelming dimension. in the dark. seated on huge thrones, they are huge. and hideous. and those are the real gods now. and of course gay is one.

out there he begins each time the same. in a weak even injured appearance. he's taken in, and bit by bit takes over, does terible things. on the long march he got the last civilsation of the gods [ours] in their last war. over food and morality as usual. his minions he had put in their everlasting hells. all the power [the suffering] of both the ast and the future he had finally got contrl of. he looked at me and said, 'now no-one can stop me. i will have it all. and i couldn't have done it wihout you'. i looked at him in silence. you don't ask for rewards, even though you know he is god by your efforts. i felt dreadful. but i was 6? years old. and still didn't realise what he's telling me.

so the last gods, as listed in my last entry, are up against not just this monster. there's others. anyway all day yesterday was telling the stupid 'angel me' judges i was evil. thats cos i decided they were, thats what they want to hear. and its not a lie. i done all this? all that black magic in my brain? i no longer believe there ever was any such thing as goodness. only weak and strong. instantly they were silenced; in fact i lost my temper, and they appear to be leaving.

if i think that is the only possible real salvation left to me. kill him. [and there are ways]. and begin a war amongst those 'eldili'...and i know a way! but i am going to read vivek again. its obvious he knew quite a lot. gay told me that too. he said unless they somehow teach evil NO religious founder ever succeeds in his lifework. so vivek in his book does this. but which of us [for nobody else is an eldili] likes it? i got to figure out a way. step 1. ALWAYS LOOK INTO YOUR RELIGIONISTS EYES. if his/her eyes worry you or they are black and dead; AVOID. if their eyes are too vacant/silly/maniacal/'holy'or they won't let you see....AVOID. the first are evil. the second false. but what kind of eyes look we for? i think maybe....gentle?

one last thing. the evi-evil HATE music. ALL MUSIC, ANY MUSIC. dunno why. AVOID PEOPLE WHO HATE MUSIC. mind you religionists who insist on droning their mournful firges are showing .1 a sillyness 2. they have learned nothing. 3. are probably 'white' [not so nice really] 4. why are relgious songs miserable? because subcsly they know...