day 2/3

my attempts are so feeble. now i see why gay drove me into being a lifelong smoker. i need breathing, deep and like taking in liquid light. but can't, lungs shot to hell. my kundalini may be dead; gay i think destroyed in me every help. but on the other hand the gods will help. they already are. so a lotcan be reinstated. we are lucky, we got enough time; thank gods for the king! he woke me and impassioned me and crash! i remembered the rest...now we repair what gay has broken. at any rate doing it 3 x a day is useless, my day broken up with duty, works, etc. so i do it as constantly as i may. abhava is easy; that is my state. its the maha bit. all i ever seen is evil, none happy powerful good thing...but thats what i have to find and be. as for turning into a male god, 1. vivek says the yogis can make 'bodies' for themselves, with 'made-minds'. i know thats true; then all i do is get in it! but anat has changed a lot in me. well all you can do is try. 2. gays real appearance is so horrific that the greatest fall in horror and beg for death the moment they are shown. now true beauty can do that, unsaddle another; except it is not horror or fear, but wonder. and i know i have it somehow. why, because in the last six months i've done it, suddenly shown it. but i know that gay hates beauty not that anyone has ever seen beauty. that father was killed even before he was properly formed. anyhow thats locked up in me; or was. its not important. only to be stronger, invulnerable, thats important.

anyhow first attempts truly feeble. keep going, contantly. i think vivek is wrong about 'never hate'. when i remember i do hate him. i hate and loathe the spiritlands, especially what they will become. and i am right; its all hateful. when i am in that state its right, not wrong! and it makes me energised, i can do much more...to force myself into a love i do not feel, a mercy i was never given, to allow any of it to go on; is hyocrisy and weakness. its not people/gods...after all they know nothing, are only trying to survive, do not see where they are going. its him, its cruelty, its the hell itself i hate. or maybe its not hate but wrath. whatever, its right, just and grants me a bloody good sword on them. amen. we start again.