freezing cold

gods it is freezing and my gas ran out and its too cold to get dressed and go out to credit gascard! well shall have to get dressed in a mo; going to our staff do an taking kez. hope yoyo turns up then he can pay for us; [penance for his many sins] an we can drink and he can drive us home!

so i've remembered more but can't say anything yet. i reckon its STILL not the real beginning; and some of that stuff in the attic is just so horrific i CAN'T remember sit. but it looks like gay went up and down all my pasts and futures simply destroying and destroying. which doesn't just get me but everyone. so who must i be?

anyhow. where did i get to? well let's do ages. so i'm evidently the first; and that makes me god the fall guy. the one who gets punished all the time? confused because i get damned for being good, and never understood? thats why he destroys your memory. and half these 'evil' arseholes think HE'S 'good'...remember this is a kid he's doing it to. over and over. elohim must have worked out that the present terrible state of creation was something to do with me. so he meets me in the museum; and ever since i been remembering, forseeing. but its so huge and dreadful i could only do it in stages? thats why it took my entire life. no-one understood what was happening to me, mainly because i wouldn't tell them.

so now you see that Satan is actually quite young, only being created by seabreeze in this, the last creation by a Dove. so he's god the aunt sally; the one who gets the blame, the bad name and the hatred.? Yetzoah being known to some humans also as 'the Devil' under the name Yaldabaoth? so you see they didn't make themselves that way, their ideas are 1. just that, ideas. how can you be damned for ideas? 2. those ideas were put in them by the oh so holy seabreeze anyhow; and 3. some of yetzoahs ideas have been really helpful. such as money? writing? different maths? he's been man's teacher. not seabreeze.

the Doves themselves are young. the sea-eagles [the real good athers', now only helping the evil] are 2 nd generation. first is great father, who neither moves nor speaks. yet somehow i'm older. and i'm in all bits. several very young, weak looking little girls. now when i do have lives as a man; either as a god or whatever; i invariably win. i rule. and make moral laws, keep heaven unnaturally 'holy' and spend my entire existence struggling against terrible evil, and running away from problems? but i am god. and NEVER set eyes on gay. that tells me that under those conditions i'm god the patsy. set up to be the 'good god'....and the loser.

could it be that my core being, so far down i don't know it; IS god? AND that gay has gone back and forth in time and gods only know what else, ruining me? an because i'm somehow upside down, my conscious state is actually unconscious, so i don't know whats wrong? yes, i think so.

and it looks in the future; like this. there's millions of beings screaming and flailing about in darkness. they haven't even got anywhere to stand. they fight and fight, 'evil is the right answer'....and as i look there's a terrible shock goes through them all. before that shock theres some hope, though tiny. after it, none. and i know what it is. its my final death or destruction. all the lot of me so horribly destroyed there's no coming back. and all those devils fall. despair. they have everlasting life. infinite cruelty. and nothing else. but thats some way to go there's quite a lot before that. but its not a huge amount of time. still gay's next moves are to destroy the earth, r1 and r2. and me too, this nice lady in england who you all suppose wrong.

bet you believe alternately that i'm mad, the devil, a saint? all 3? i think i'm terribly injured, but still trying to get help. help me, you help yourself. anyhow stop hating. just stop. look at gays' 'engines'...its self-pity. self-pity is the opposite to pity. he and his slaves ALWAYS believe they been done out of something, and this self-pity, though its an absolute lie, is what fuels their cruelty to others. if you look you were told to hate satan [and now probably me as well] because he might harm you? but none of us ever have!

now some cretin will go on about the garden of eden! you weren't there! don't think he was either. hey, elohim pops in now and then. i'll ask him. think you'll find gay fucked up your 'bible' some time ago. there was a war of the angels; and elohim did dismiss one. but i dunno if it was the same god/angel. i doubt it.

in any case let's see how you like it! i damn you for ALL time to the most terrible pain imaginable FOR A SINGLE SIN. no. i will never forgive you. or even listen. your sin is an idea....an idea!
see? thats evil. isn't it? so think again.

just got time to put it in numbers. the old boy that my brent asked how old he was said '529 billion years? later that was the one brent asked to marry; which shows that at that point brent couldn't see. so that old boy said something about the killing of the ladygods...that dates that vent tp 529 billion years ago. so the fathers were all killed immediately before then. now first place really didn't last that long; maybe 2 million years earth-time? at most. so all first history was dead and destroyed by maybe half the time? call it 250 billion years. so from the time gay brought back parts of the fathers, all twisted and mad, to the time they made/built the first Doveswas not long. may be 1 million years, at the most. so there was 16 Doves, but usually in two's? whether always a good and evil pair i don't know. the last Dove, the one i met and united memory with in 1983, who i call father seabreeze; he only dates back with this his creation, some 31.5 billion years. but i guess. pretty sure its not exact; some of the Doves had shorter runs than others. so for arounf 32 billion years as a 'good god' i been opening up 1 universe after another? these mostly small affairs. and we begin in this cosmos then some 16 billion years ago?
but because of gay its gotten bigger? he got kay, a true begot of a father? so she an create? but he drove her mad and ruined? so back after the fathers were gone she made thosands more realities, all above the place of great father; so he has no control over them? she being unaware. and these you can't see, you have to open them. and they are full awful. above them, say 500 billion years ago; the quadrillion cube. and an awful long way above that, those strange lonely desert places where gay murdered my spirit over and over? over all that dreadful house. where what i see is poor kay alone with a massive black thing like clouds but with fangs an talons an screeching an blasphemies? an all around everything the orb, like a great grey spiders web. so you get an idea of the size and age of it all, our entire universe [r1] is at the bottom, along with others in a convoy...but theyt mostly empty, destroyed.

so its old and massive. and that thing just described is gay as he really is. you pray to God? he's whats up there...you understand its not going to stay like this? he wants more. besides, we can still understand it, once its been described. he is infinitely cruel. and what spirits don't undertand they fall down, give up. while we can still undestand, we might rebel. so he is driving us on and on into meaningless horror...so no-one ever will overthrow him.

that is your god.