pleasure and pain.

hm. was thinking yesterday; trying to summonn kundalini. noything. then realised there's no model even an imaginary one of a great, almighty, HAPPY. good god. as i sat here that me from the future stood over me again. definitely me. same grin, same feel of someone friendly. she/me told me gay killed that kundalini; so what happened before was something else. anyway she told me i've already [as a baby] done the lot. and gay took what he wanted, split my spirit, found the initial me's and enslaved them, and all the rest. so i don't need to do it all over again, and the damage within is rendered useless half this stuff can't work. so i can stop trying. okay. she reminded me i'm back from anat, that i know the history. i looked at her. face okay, natural smile, robes somehow like a long carigan; and yellow? yet not? and i saw it. she is the answer. perfectly black inside. and perfectly white as well. niether side can call her anything. no bad names. yet its niether substance nor clouds. like standing energy? so i will occasionaly do whatever. she shows me that she/i am still a graduate. will police/nurse them all. but don't need huge stature or wildly absolute powers which is just showing off. don't even know what powers she got. but i have to say that me [future] wasn't worried or troubled. and look, she turns up and helps! no charge, no demands, no threats, no price of future pain. i wonder how i shall become her?
at once relaxed. told the gods they shall see a graduate! i shall have to be powered, but once gay is down, his minions under right command, these gods can watch me PUT IT DOWN. AND WALK AWAY. something they never saw before. discussed [i mean gave them a bollocking] the Queen. invited ladychild in. if i can accept all these the lost evil, shall i reject ladychild, who was forced like them all.? of course not. so she knows her choice. and each time i look has crept a little closer. told all the kids what to do. and they have started doing it.

sad. sad. gt father i pitied, i apologized if it was sin, but looked on his suffering and thats what i felt. and gt father recognised something! that little me brent1 called out? she's the Queen. and gt father was seeing, like a slow tiny joy in him? but so cruel is gay. because i'm dying, and inside all changed, and the Queen is too young and too tiny. but at least gt father knows now.

anyway next job is to awake the god molecule deep down. gay made me uncs super-god? and then reduced that to a molecule? but its still there, alive. so thats me who must get big again. thats the me who can mend all this damage. all i can do is summon. and keep on summoning. the cry goes from deep unto deep. but i am so glad of that future me. she 'doesn't exist' because we not there yet. but repeatedly shows me she will. thanks be to god. i keep the faith still.

another lesson, quick because kerry/kids are on their way here. you know in the schools of magic you are given numbers? think of a pole. the numbers when you begin are 0 and 0? that is the first lie. to be a man at all your number cannot be zero. anyhow as you know more 'rise' the numbers on the left go up. to 100. which equals god? but these people are fools. the numbers on the right go DOWN. they say these are your levels of earth. so they are. andzero equals insect. the numbers left equal the status of your mind. the numbers right equal the status of your form.

so you see what a cheat gay has done? these wise in magic, yoga, they fools who only find out too late.

now we not fools, are we? so you see i just fucked up that. your numbers left have been rising as you read, understand, practise this my teaching. and now you know the cruel dropping of the otherside all you do is refuse! no. u man. stay that way.
now the evil evil don't. they want to be insects [hell is really heaven]. and the good don't know [the good are damned =insects?] but now we do. and say no.

my numbers both sides are nearly 100? for i aim at ipsissimus? which is what it is to be god? now you see why, i have explained. but refuse me every insect? i am not an insect. and my word is shan't. now gay is also ipsissimus. but he all black. and happy to be an insect. fine. but i am ipsissimus now, if only i can recollect and reconnect. and believe it! i aint black, but won't wear white. shows the dirt and atracts the wrong sort. nope. so if i turns up stark naked you lot will bloody like it. now my command to you is be the same. numbers both sides get you high, but not too high. there's a cheat at the top. remember that, and wait for me to sort it out. got that? then now you go and practise whatever, i need troops, i need men who can reason and work.the one thing i don't need is damn great insects!

just you get it into your heads. gay forced my development to ipsissimus. but he didn't do it himself! what he has he's stolen or forced? so then ask yourselves which one is god!and help you whoo understand. because you know i'm your friend. gay is your enemy. believe it! and find peace.

lastly i ment to write on pleasure and pain? i will next entry. got family at door. its an important lesson. don't mis it. will do it tonight.